A Brief History of CiM
By Hobart Carleton
Historian (Professional)
The story of Cocaine in Motion begins, like most great tales, in the barren wasteland of Africa. I mean Alaska. Shit, my bad. Fuck. Anyway, as you already knew, early 20th century Alaska was torn by a longstanding civil war between the two dominating Eskimo tribes: the Foodoo in the north, who looked like regular Asians, with their magnificent cities of ice (north Alaska is the cold part), and the Dusali of the South, whose faces looked far more fucked up, and they were the ones that invented those fur hoods that current Eskimos are always wearing. Funny story, I actually bought one of those for my 2 year old daughter, it looked cute as shit. But like I was saying before, these tribes had been warring intermittently for as far back as far back as there is a record of greedy Eskimos living in Alaska (it used to be mostly Hispanics). You see, the Foodoo in the north had possession of Alaska’s great northern oil reserves: they harvested the oil, which they learned to refine and turn into gasoline. The power of gasoline, the Foodoo discovered, could be harnessed to get you real high if you put some of it in a bag and breathed deeply.
But the pleasure was short-lived: the gas-high only lasted a few seconds and was often followed by migraines and bouts of blood-vomiting. Kuldoon, the largest of the Foodoo and therefore by sacred law their king, quickly understood the implications of these horrible after effects. A transcription of Kuldoon’s speech addresses this issue directly:
“Children, young sons and daughters of Foodusu, why do you sit here with your suppliant crowns, vomiting blood all over the doorstep of my ice-palace? Surely this is no Kool-Aid palace! [hold for laugh] But do not speak; your vomit and blank stares tell me that you have been huffing gas, and are now suffering from the undesirable after effects of your actions. I know how you feel, I have been there. But I shall cure you all with my wisdom: if you keep huffing gas every ten minutes or so, you will never feel the gas hangover. All that I have spoken here is true: I am high on gas.”
This, then, was the speech of Kuldoon, and so the Foodoo followed his advice and developed a dependency on gas. All would have been well, had not the Dusali decided to build a fleet of snowmobiles. These snowmobiles would convey them with great speed around the countryside, enabling them to deliver mail and play high-stakes games of skill, like that crazy game where you have no shirt on and there is a big rubber ball and you keep it in the air by hitting it with your chest and the person that lets it drop gets executed—but on snowmobiles. That was a custom left by the Hispanics, but the Dusali improved it by adding snowmobiles. It is not surprising that the Dusali would build a fleet of fast moving vehicles, given their origins. The legend is this: that the Dusali rode across the Bering Strait on the backs of whales. It is unconfirmed, but I am pretty sure it is true: there is evidence of whales in Alaska!
Like all machines, these snowmobiles required a power source, and the Dusali had exhausted their other power source (unicorn bones). They prayed to their heathen gods, but to no avail- no more unicorns were found. I think this is probably because they were not praying to the real God (Jesus). So they sent teams in search of alternative energy sources, dragging their useless snowmobiles behind them, having heard tales of prosperous cities in the North.
Upon reaching the ice cities of the Foodoo, the bands demanded access to their gas. The Foodoo, knowing no other use for gas but getting high, showed the Dusali their ways. The Dusali, while thrilled at the prospect of getting high, never lost sight of their original goal, and a memo was sent back with one of the teams:
“These Foodoo have a product here that, when placed in a bag, can get you real high. I suggest we wage war on these people and their cities of ice, so we might steal this product from them and put it to an alternative use: I think that if we used it to get a caribou high, then we could convince the beast to take us to the hideout of its remaining unicorn friends. Then, knowing the location of the unicorns, we could capture and murder them for their bones.”
The plan was launched, and the Dusali began beating the shit out of the Foodoo with their hand-clubs. The Foodoo, a peaceful people, had no idea what the fuck was happening and just started crying and howling and shit. They were way too high for this, and had no defenses of their own. The Dusali quickly conquered their gas reserves.
Unable to access the reserves of their beloved gas, two young groups of Foodoo found themselves with a horrible gas hangover and a fear for their lives. Each resolved to flee their nation in search of safety, taking their “emergency gas reserves” (a red balloon full of gas) with them: and so began their madcap cross-country rush to defend their treasure. While one party manages to rent a plane, the others face different problems like tire damage, untrustworthy lifts, deep water, drunken millionaires, a zany British adventurer, little girl's bicycles, and last but far not least a mother-in-law from hell and her imbecile son!!!!!
A wild journey did ensue for the young gas huffers. Through incest and good old fashioned “hoofin’ it,” they kept their race alive, eventually settling in the east coast in the Washington, DC area. As is inevitable in this “melting pot” nation of ours, their Alaskan blood was eventually mixed with the locals through lascivious sex. Hint: more than 90% of human life is the direct result of lascivious sex! From this filthy act came the children of Cocaine in Motion, who were drawn to each other through local schools, sports leagues, and the great unspoken bond that is innate to habitual gas huffers. They would inevitably meet and clash with the children of Voodoo Samurai and Crazy Cracker Productions, but recent years have seen peace and even collaboration. What the future will hold? Only the Lord God Jesus Christ knows. But as CiM’s Austin Ladusky once put it: “I will keep huffing gas until the day I asphyxiate.”
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The DVD includes the collected works of Cocaine in Motion- over two hours of timeless video classics, including the critically acclaimed One-Acts Trilogy (Dead Child, Raw Milk, and How Junius Ruined Our Winter Break), as well as older short film favorites (White Boy Basketball, G Love Movie, Redemption). And if that isn't enough for you, the DVD also includes almost two more hours of bonus material- deleted scenes, cast and crew commentaries on each of the longer films, live sketches, and never before seen featurettes like the legendary Sammy Explains Life, and the Gary Holtzman Birthday Party tape.