Sumbeeatch!

Cohenspiracy Theory

I know at least JRussel is a fan of crazy ideas, as evidenced by his post on John Titor, and I got a crazy idea of my own. Unlike John Titor, the subject doesn't have a popular part of the female anatomy (albeit one that only is good when it comes in pairs, or, for some people, threes) in his last name, but it does involve some people whose last names are in the first word of the title of this entry. That’s right, the Jews. The Cohen Jews.

First, I’m gonna bore you with a brief anecdote. I was asleep last Sunday night after doing some stuff not not including watching a fine video by the name of “Bad Girls: Lockdown” when I had this dream in which this hot girl who looked kind of like a combination of a girl I actually know and Janine , started hitting on me, and I followed in my car to her house (she asked me to, don’t get no crazy ideas) to have sex (because that happens in dreams), and I was rounding Tenley circle when all of a sudden, breaking the YIELD TO TRAFFIC IN CIRCLE rule some UPS truck hit my car and wiped me out.

What can Brown do for me? Ruin my chances, it would seem. But the point of the story is that before I was obliterated by this delivery vehicle, I saw the Cohens, Saul driving and Danny passengering, rolling in a black station wagon going the opposite way (for some reason Tenley was a two-way circle in the dream). I had never seen Saul’s car, and didn’t know who he rolls with. On Monday, I park on Chesapeake and start walking towards school, and see a black station wagon on the other side of the street. Out of the driver’s side Saul Cohen, and out of the other passenger seat, someone very short, later confirmed to be Danny Cohen.

This prophetic dream renewed my suspicions about the Cohen Family:
· For awhile, I thought the Cohens were brothers. They are the only two major Cohens, hang out together, go to the same school, are Jews, and have been together in this manner since elementary school , in which they were in a play in which …

· Saul was Danny’s father. I found this very believable both because of the significant height differences and, from what I know of them, which is probably less than most of you do, because of their personalities. Saul is contemplative and makes wise remarks, I can sort of see him as a father figure, it ‘d be cool to have him as my father except for the first 9 years of my life I would have received absolutely no guidance and for the rest I would turn out really messed up. Danny, on the other hand, is an energetic young boy who likes to jump and play Frisbee and is so excited about ice cream that he literally skipped (he says ‘walked’ but we know how it was) to the new ice cream store the day it opened to be the very first one to get ice cream, and also supports Macintosh as an act of rebellion against his dad. So it’s obvious that Saul is Danny’s father, which means Saul must have got laid at a very young age (and, as a rarely reliable but often full of shit source told me, no times since). What poor lady had to carry the child of Baby Saul? None, actually, because, like a seahorse Saul was the one to get pregnant. This theory is confirmed by his...

· middle name. As I found oot aboot a month ago from the man himself, Saul’s middle name is Danny, which a naïve person would think meant there was a Danny Cohen inside Saul Cohen. But his name was assigned at time of birth, which actually means there was a Danny Cohen inside of Saul. What happened is stunningly obvious. Danny Cohen burst from the chest of Saul, like that little alien in Spaceballs, to emerge into the world. Here’s a drawing I made to illustrate the situation:

of course, ask the Cohens and they’ll deny it, but they’re Jews, and those people denied the Holocaust. They’ll tell you it’s all coincidence, but it’s more like COHENcidence if you ask me. Something’s going on with those two. God must have been sending me a message with that dream. Must have been working with the Cohens, because I’ve seen them together. I didn’t know He had the power to alter dreams. . An investigation of the true God and the disciples He anoints may be in line.