Sumbeeatch!

Masturbation

"When masturbation's lost it's fun you're fucking [something]" - Green Day.

I never could quite tell what that word was, but every other word in the song I know, an entire song about jacking off, plus a kickass bassline.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it took me a long time to get around to this one. That was because it was supposed to be a good one, and I was trying to save it for a time when I had creative energy. But then I realized that wasn't going to happen, so I did it anyway.

Why do I want to write about masturbation? It's my favorite activity. Do you doubt it? What else have you done an average of more than once every day for four years, not because someone told you to, or you needed to, but because you wanted to? What else is fun no matter what the circumstances? Masturbation is great fun, whenever you do it, whether it be sitting in your bed in the morning too lazy to get up for school, watching porn in the afternoon, taking a shower at night, walking down the stairs to get a snack in the middle of the night, etc. It never fails. Every time you masturbate, you have an orgasm. You can have more orgasms in an hour than women in the old days had in their lives. And none of these metaphorical orgasms, it's a genuine orgasmic orgasm.

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I have to interrupt for second to say something before I forget

You ever hear people, when they're eating food they really like, say "it's like an orgasm in my mouth". Don't they realize that this really sounds like they're sucking cock, and somebody is cumming down their throat? Why do people say that unless they suck cock.

Once I heard a really hot girl said "It's like an orgasm in my mouth" when she was eating something, can't remember what, and I missed my chance to say "I'll have an orgasm in your mouth " or "I'll show you what's even more like an orgasm in your mouth" or "you want a real orgasm in your mouth?" It was either because I was too scared to say it, or because I was trying to decide which one. Ok, it was because I was too scared to say it. For some reason, the only people I can't easily make sex jokes around are people I want to have sex with. That and old people.

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But again, on how great masturbation is, let's list the benefits.

a) Orgasmically fun.
b) Free.
c) No negative side effects.
d) Healthy (prevents prostate cancer)
e) Healthy (prevents sexual frustration)
f) Healthy (exercises hand)
g) Easy to do.
h) Not much preparation needed.
i) Reliable. Works ever time.
j) Gives you something to do. Rodney Dangerield once said "I was so poor growing up - if I wasn'ta boy - I'd have had nothing to play with"

Yet, somehow, people seem to have something against masturbation. In 7th grade, when we were all claiming we didn't jack off, and it was the big insult.

There were all these puns, like when everyone learned the word masticate.
Everyone would say "do you masticate?" and the other person would say "no way!" and the guy who asked the question would say "you don't chew?" and then the other guy would be embarassed because chewing, unlike masturbating, was a socially acceptable custom.

Of course, nowadays, the exception is the person who does not masturbate.

Ya'll know who that is: A young man with a bald head, glasses, an obsession with wrestling, and aspirations towards world domination.

I won't divulge his name, but his name is in four parts, and, if each were turned to nickname form, he would be "Jimbo Clint Bill Trizzay".

Also, Curtis is madly in love with him. Or at least "intrigued to no end" by him.

Why does he not masturbate? Masturbation is a temptation for the weak, he says. He cannot believe that people would jack off so casually. A world dominatrix must not choke his chicken.

Let me relate a brief anecdote.

One day, during a violent outburst on the part of Jimbo, our computer science teacher, Mr. Evans, begins a discussion on why Jimbo is so angry. A lot of bullshit reasons are brought up , such as "he is stressed out" "he feels insecure".
I was laughing out loud in my seat that they did not know the true secret.

Finally, after some more horrible guesses ( "Maybe you don't appreciate blahdablah"), I had to reveal to these fools that they were foolish.

"No you're all wrong", I said, humbly. Then I realized that I could not divulge the true reason without embarassing poor Jimbo to the point where he turned into the incredible hulk, smashing all in his path.

But, it was because he didn't masturbate.

"Why do you do that?" I asked him.

"Discipline. Self control" was the reply.

Although he was, once, after a few hours of drink and prying, forced to admit that he was not as clean as he seemed.
"Ok, ok, I did...once", the man was reported to have said.

How Jimbo Clint Bill Trizzay can do that I can't (and/or don't want to) imagine, but as I once said because it was written on a piece of paper and a man with a camera was telling me to say it, "if you want to succumb to prostate cancer, be my guest".

Succumbing is bad, too.

It sounds like suck cum.

Anyway, on the opposite end of the spectrum is Diogenes the Cynic. He would see a really hot chick and just whip it out and starting beating the pole. Haven't you ever wanted to do that?

I know JRuss did, because last year in my math class, whenever certain girls would expose themselves, his hand would shake uncontrollably he pounded the desk and made a really loud noise.

Were it a movie, the script would look like this.
Mr. Jeffers: "Why doesn't Nora do this problem?"
Nora: (gets up and plants legs far apart, ass firmly in front of class, near blackboard. Leans forward to do problem, exposing thong. Camera zooms in on ass)
(banging noise from left. Camera zooms out, pans left, JRussell is leaning forward pounding desk with hand, making a ring with index finger and thumb.)
(Camera goes back to Mr. Jeffers, fades to that guy in the credits of Boondock Saints "Where can I sign up? [censored] I'm bout to get my [censored] on. I'm bout to get bizzay, you know, I'm ready to get bizzay" *)
(cuts back to JRussell moving up behind Nora. Cheesy slap bass tune starts playing...)

Well, so it stopped being true when it switched to Boondock Saints. But that's how I first came to know this Russell character. And that's also an illustration on how everyone has the urge to masturbate now and then.

*thanks to Chuck for noting the resemblance.

The reason Diogenes was great was because he had no inhibitions, he did whatever he wanted despite what society told him. He would see a really hot chick over by the forum and he'd just start pulling his train (as Tommy "Tbone" Moore says for "pulling [one's] chain") and pretty soon some dude would say "What the fuck are you doing?" And he'd say "That chick over by the pillar...in my mind" And some bitch passing by would say "Excuse you! You didn't just ejaculate on my toga, did you?"

To which he would reply "Sorry lady, next time I'll ejaculate in your throat"

And he would, too, because he was a pimp despite sleeping in his barell. But he died of eating bad pussy. Well, raw octopuss. Close enough, fonnickly.

But most of us do not have the balls to do that. Well, we have the balls to do it, not the social confidence (or in the case of Mandel, penis size confidence. I kid, Mandel. I know nothing of your wang's dimensions. But as you are a fan of random insults...)We just do it whenever we have the oppurtunity. Basically, whenever you're alone, you should masturbate.

Of course, a big mainstay of the masturbation business is porn. Porn is, generally, very sexy, in that it involves sex and is arousing. It consists of people having sex, or posing in positions they would use in sex. The idea is, you would like to have sex with these people. It is great stuff, really. Most people will like to see lesbians having sex, because there is no man taking the action away.

However, some disagree, as Saul (I mean...the anonymous man whose name consists of letters on the left side of the middle row of the keyboard) brought to our attention:

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it's not me, but have you seen that movie with jenna jameson having lesbian sex on various cars ?? it's sweet.

by the way, trevor once said "i can't jerk off if there's no cock in it"
Posted by: fgsdgfdg at March 18, 2004 06:07 PM

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So, Tbag likes cock. Not that he's alone, just that most other people who like cock are women.

But I sort of see his point, in that it helps to see what exactly you are gettting. To me, lesbians with dildos are the correct solution. That way, there is all females, but you can see what you'd get. Good stuff.

I've heard some people knocking porn, for various reasons.

a) It turns women into sex objects.

Bullshit. The women's primary role in porn is sex, true, but that doesn't change everyday relations with women. Yes, when we watch porn, we usually aren't considering the full range of the women's emotion, but when people watch sports, they don't consider the full range of the men's emotions either. Nobody complains about men being reduced to "sports objects"

What I'm saying is, wanting to have sex with women is perfectly compatible with respecting them as people. At worst, porn breeds the mindset that when women are naked and posing seductively or when they are having sex, that they are primarily important for sexual purposes. So I guess women will be viewed as sex objects during the time at which they are having sex. How many women are having sex every time you see them? Very few. In fact, very few are having sex any time you see them.

b) You become reliant on visual stimulus.

This is true if you jack off only to porn. I have a simple rule. Each time you masturbate to porn, polish your rod to your imagination twice. That way you can have the best of both worlds.

By the way, all this masturbation stuff goes for ladies, too, except that for you all it is not quite as common or easy, but you can do a greater variety of things. Of course, it is easier for women to get real sex, so it's not quite as necessary. But it is hot.

c) It is immoral.

Immoral, schmimmoral. This is why religion is a bitch. They take the most fun, free, healthy thing that human beings have (masturbation), and put it off limits because some big guy doesn't like it. And they take one of the best forms of entertainment and say it is sinful because it leads to temptation. You know what? It's damn fun, and we like it. To them I say "tempt this". (this talk reminds me. A hot girl once said to me "I'll beat your stick" and is yet to follow through on the offer. Yes, she misspoke. But I am still dissapointed)

So, masturbation is yet to gain mainstream acceptance, but we will work for it, we will jerk for it.

In the winter one acts, where I played a monkey (as well as a smaller role as a janitor), I tried to insert a simple gesture into my act, and was strictly censured (censored, too) by my director, the same woman who said in her own act "My vagina wants sex. It looooves sex".
Double standard?

I dunno.

Well, I'll update this with hyperlinks for you ADD kids tomorrow. For now, it's off to you know what....

Oh, in case you don't know what, I'm off to masturbate.

Posted by sw at April 15, 2004 10:35 PM