Sumbitch!

Marketing Things To Children Which Harm Them

It has always been said that using the impressionable state of a young mind to sell products is one of the noblest ways in which an individual can serve his community. Therefore, I find it necessary to do the moral thing and help everyone out by giving ideas for leading people to engage in often self-destructive activities.

TV:

Adventures of Captain Morgan Captain Morgan is the name of the swashbuckling hero of this children's adventure show. He is brave and heroic and always has a big ol swig of his bottle before battle. All the crew, after they win, has a healthy serving of grog. There are also a few children who travel with him and fight by his side. One of the kids is mean and annoying. He is very self-righteous and preaches to the others about how the grog is evil, and he never drinks the grog. The other kids ostracize him, and he is made to walk the plank.

Also, there is a villain in the show named Old Crow. Old Crow is very rich and old and wears a gold monocle on his eye and an emerald ring on his finger and kills people with a cane and smokes big cigars. He is evil, and is always laughing and enjoying himself, he is drunk all the time, and is an undefeatable foe. Kids who want to be badass and evil will turn to Old Crow Whiskey in an effort to emulate the most villanous character they know, Old Crow. The Old Crow label will use this picture of the anthropomorphic avian rogue on their bottles, so that the connection is clear.

Another idea, and one even more lucrative than the above, is to invade the biggest source of childhood happiness - the Happy Meal. The trick is to pay McDonalds a royalty to package their happy meal fries in a square carton with the logo of your cigarette brand on it. They associate the carton of fries and the carton of cigarettes with the same feeling of joy, and by the time they are eight or something have moved on to the real thing.

Another idea is to get a nicotine gum company to start making non-nicotine gum for kids. Then, for a few months or so, you "accidentally" put the nicotine in the gum. When the government finds out, the gum will be discontinued, leaving the nicotine-hungry kids to run to the cigarettes.

Really the point of this was to show my picture of Old Crow. For some reason anthropomorphic crows are enjoyable to watch for me

Coming tomorrow: The Greatest in The World (Places Edition)

Posted by icejew at February 21, 2005 12:36 AM