Sumbitch!

100% Accurate Formula For Happiness

When you are forty, you can use this simple formula to calculate your happiness.

(Total Dollar Value of Cars Owned) / 25
+ (Value of House) / 50
+ 1000 * years of college attended
- 2000 * years of college attended past expected number of years to graduate
+ 1000 * years of graduate school attended
+ 500 * (25 - (undergrad college's rank in US News & World Report)) (if total is less than 0, add zero, do not subtract)
+ 500 * (25 - (graduate college's rank in US News & World Report)) (if total is less than 0, add zero, do not subtract)
+ 1000 * (wife's attractiveness on 1-10 scale)
+ 2000 * (number of children with > 3.5 gpa)
- 2000 * (number of children with < 2.5 gpa)
- 1000 * (number of illegal drugs used)
- 5 * (number of times marijuana or any illegal drug was used)
- 5 * (number of times alcohol was consumed to excess)
+ 5 * (number of times wine was consumed in small quantities)
+ 100 * (value of most expensive wine ever consumed)
+ (annual income) / 10

This number shows your relative happiness, as scientifically proven, it is a direct correlation. The higher the number you aim for, the more likely you will be to achieve happiness. A completely free market society is guaranteed to have a higher total number for all its citizens than any sort of socialized system.