Sumbitch!: Poems

March 12, 2005

Poems

As some of you may know, the following poem appears in a glass case outside Wilson's gym:

I went to a party, mom,
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, mom,
So I drank soda instead.
I felt really proud inside, mom,
The way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, mom,
Even though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, mom,
I know you're always right.
Now the party is finally ending, mom,
As everyone drives out of sight.
As I got into my car, mom,
I knew I'd get home in one piece,
Because of the way you raised me, mom,
So responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, mom,
But as I pulled onto the road,
The other car didn't see me, mom,
And hit me like a load.
As I lie here on the pavement, mom,
I hear the policeman say,
The other guy is drunk, mom,
And now I'm the one who'll pay.
I'm lying here dying, mom,
I wish you'd get here soon.
How come this happened to me, mom?
My life bursts like a balloon.
There is blood all around me, mom,
Most of it is mine.
I hear the paramedic say, mom,
I'll die in a very short time.
I just wanted to tell you, mom,
I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, mom,
The others didn't think.
He didn't know where he was going, mom,
He was probably at the same party as I,
The only difference is, mom,
He drank, and I will die.
Why do people drink, mom?
It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now, mom,
Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, mom,
I don't think that is fair;
I'm lying here dying, mom,
While all he can do is stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, mom,
Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven, mom,
Write "Daddy's Girl" on my grave.
Someone should have told him, mom,
Not to drink and drive.
If only they would have taken the time, mom,
I might still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, mom,
I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, mom,
Because when I needed you, you were always there.
I have one question, mom,
Before I say goodbye,
I didn't ever drink, mom,
So why am I to die?
This is the end, mom,
I wish I could look you in the eye,
To say these final words, mom,
I love you and goodbye.

Yes touching and all that. Or ridiculously over-the-top sentimental and terrible. But here is the point.
I started to drive away, mom,
But as I pulled onto the road,
The other car didn't see me, mom,
And hit me like a load.

It seems like the drunk guy had the right of way. Note that he didn't swerve into the wrong lane "the other car didn't see me", implying that this personified intoxicated automobile just continued going straight. If this sober guy was pulling into the road, and hadn't started going yet, he was not yielding to traffic already on the road, thus driving unsafely. His precious mom should have taught him to YIELD TO MOTHERFUCKING TRAFFIC ALREADY ON THE ROAD!

Florida has an "Office of Right of Way". I have no idea what the hell their mission statement means, but apparently they are concerned with more than just determining when to yield right of way.

However, this organization, does address the problem of this poor sap. And they have some relevant information: Right-of-way violations were responsible for more non-fatal injury accidents in 2002 than any other improper driving behavior. . That's right. More than the drunk guy. Yeah.

Even people in New York realize that this guy was wrong. "A vehicle entering a roadway from a driveway, alley, private road or any other place that is not a roadway must stop and yield the right of way to traffic on the roadway, and to pedestrians. "

Yeah. So don't be a dumbass. There's more than one car in every accident that involves more than one car, and that is a fact. Also, there's almost always more than one driver. So while Mr. Drunkenstein shouldn't have been drunk, Mr. Sodaberg should have yielded the right of way.

And if he had done so we would not have had to read his poem.

Even though the poem was not written by the same guy who died in the crash, if there was such a guy.

Because you would have more pressing problems than bad poetry if you were dying.
Note: I just realized the speaker is a GIRL not a GUY. Replace all gender-related references to the speaker in the poem with the female form. Also note that though she was bleeding after the crash, she was already bleeding every once in a while before it. Because she was a female. And females menstruate. This also explains why she can't drive...

...because she's dead. Thought I was gonna say because she was a woman. Nope. That's why she couldn't drive when she was alive

Posted by icejew at March 12, 2005 11:32 PM

Comments

how long did you spend copying this entire poem down? and why was that poem written by such a whiny bitch?

Posted by: farbs at March 14, 2005 02:40 AM

It took about 15 seconds, I searched for the title online and cut and pasted.

Posted by: DHI at March 14, 2005 07:59 AM

you didn't answer my second question

Posted by: farbs at March 14, 2005 12:06 PM

new theory: the narrator of the poem IS a guy, but he is a tranvestite or a transexual, and the line "write 'Daddy's Girl' on my grave" is him coming out to his mother. this would explain why the narrator did not face more peer pressure to drink: there were no dudes trying to get him drunk in order to bone him, because he is a dude, not a chick.

Posted by: farbs at March 14, 2005 12:08 PM

The origin of the poem is difficult to ascertain; leading theories include the belief that it arose spontaneously from the feces of several sentimental poems.

Another ridiculous thing about the poem - how come it's "Daddy's Girl" when she is only addressing the mom? It seems like she is blowing off her mom, who is the one she bothers to talk to. She just wants to piss off everbody, doesn't she? She won't talk to her dad, and she won't be her mom's girl.

Also, the transvestite theory is most probably true. It makes sense, it does.

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