Sumbitch!

Susan Von Buran Resolves To Buy A Teapot

Susan was so shocked at the plight of her gold teapot that she remained speechless for several seconds, before she realized what she must do: retrieve the teapot before the water damaged it further. She set out to get it back the only way she could. "Fanny!" she screeched "get that teapot out of the pond!" Fanny did not respond. Fanny was not in the house anymore. Fanny was ordered to get that teapon out of the pond this instant or Fanny was fired. Fanny was fired. Already. Susan gradually became aware of that fact, and realized that maybe she had made a mistake in firing Fanny. She sought to rectify this mistake, but first she wanted her teapot back, so she did the only thing she could think of... she bought a new one.

It was not easy for her to buy a new teapot. It was not a matter of money, even though it cost 80,000 dollars, which was a lot of money to pay for a whole tea set, let alone a single pot. On the other hand, it was less expensive than an equal amount of cocaine. Although Susan Von Buran was vehemently opposed to drugs, she had once purchased a kilogram of cocaine for 50,000 dollars, believing it was a very high grade makeup to be applied to the nose. She deduced that it was high grade from the price and that it was probiscus powder from hearing a woman refer to the use of the product as powdering her nose. Not wanting to seem ignorant or poor, she proceeding to discuss how she used the powder before every social engagement, and railed on the cheaper, less pure brands, which, she had gathered, sometimes came from Mexico. She never liked the cocaine; it always fell off her nose, and sometimes gave her headaches, but she had a strange attraction towards its application, and continued to buy more. However, this day she was not buying cocaine. She was buying a teapot. And it was not easy for her to buy a teapot, because to do so she had to go outside.

Going outside was something Susan Von Buran did often, but when she went outside she was still surrounded by four walls; her courtyard was, while "outside", was still inside her house. She told herself that, since her courtyard had water, birds, and an open roof, she could get anything there she could get outside of the building. An exception to this rule, she told herself, was a new golden teapot, though the old one was, in fact, available in the courtyard. However, because (she determined) it was impossible to retrieve such an item from the botton of a pond, a new one had to be purchased. So Susan Von Buran unbolted her door and stepped outside, carrying in her purse 80,000 with which she would buy a new golden teapot.