Sumbitch!: The Quest for the Taco Burger

March 14, 2005

The Quest for the Taco Burger

I am a person who often is inspired by ideas of food to have food. This is because of a very simple concept – thinking about food gets the brain on food, which is a sort of tautological statement, but once the brain is on food, it thinks about things it can do with the food, such as eating it, and then does whatever it can to procure such food, such as killing other people who are eating that food and taking theirs, or purchasing it. You can have food on the brain, even brain food on the brain, or brain on the food on the brain. All these are possible. However, they are not what is being discussed in this here arcticle.

What is being discussed is the taco burger. What is a taco burger, you may ask? To get the answer, you must look to the book Fearlesness and Loving in Wilmington. This is a book that does not exist. It does, however, exit. Exit from this writing as something being discussed, understand? Anyway, the point is, of all the books I read too late, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is the only one in which taco burgers are discussed. I read it too late, by about four days, to read it while Hunter S. Thompson was alive. Consequently, at the time of his death, I knew nothing of his works. Thus, I was not very unhappy at the time, and later on I was more focused on the book being great than him being dead. So I avoided the death having any negative consequences. Suckers. You all did things in the reverse order. Anyway, though I am new to the world of this man's writing, it has already started to influence me, in ways that will soon be detailed.

To get to the point taco burgers are discussed, in the following manner:
Duke: Taco burger, what's that?
(Sound. of diesel engine truck. -Ed.] Att'y: That's a hamburger. with a taco in the middle.
Duke: A taco on a bun.
Att'y: I betcha your tacos are just hamburgers with a shell stead of a bun.

“That’s a hamburger with a taco in the middle” is one of the most influential lines of literature I ever read. As soon as I read it, I left. About three seconds later, my eyes lit up and my stomach brain started thinking about how delicious this burger with a taco in the middle might potentially be. I also lost about 60 dollars in poker, from up 30 to down 30, because I was reading during the game and was very distracted. I started reading when I got up 30, and stopped when I was down 30, and then made about 28 back to only lose two dollars. But that book was to cost me more money yet…

…the next day, I could not get this taco burger out of my mind. It was such a strange and delicious concept. The day after, I had had enough. I parked at the McDonald’s on Wisconsin, and, as I had often done when Frisco’s was still in the district, walked right into another restaurant. This restaurant, far from Frisco’s, was a Taco (actual text from a non-ironic project on Mexico hanging on wall at Wilson – “This is a taco because people in Mexico eat tacos” Bell. A Taco Bell Express. I expressed my interest in buying a taco, and, $0.99 to Taco Bell and $0.10 to the fair city of D.C. later, had my prize. I brought this back to the McDonald’s, and ordered a double cheeseburger. I split the two burgers, and inserted this taco in the middle. What I experienced, when I ate it, was great – something that tastes better than both the taco and the burger, what with the contrasting forms of ground beef, the crunchy inside and the fresh veggies and the cheese mixing so well, and was reasonably filling, so that it fit into “medium-large snack” category, which is good for two dollars.

Later that day, I grew hungry, and returned, but on a different location, this time on the Connecticut Avenue rather than Wisconsin, and got a double cheeseburger at the Burger King drive-thru (more expensive than the McDonald’s) and a taco at the KFC/Taco Bell up the street from the place. This was better, but not worth the added cost. Also the percentage improvement to the burger given by adding the taco was smaller.

Today, I had my third and far from final taco burger, at Union Station, utilizing a Johnny Rocket’s Rocket Single and a Burrito Brothers single taco. This was very pricy. Both items were being had for the first time. I had jalapeno-doused onions and green chile sauce. It was a ridiculously good meal.

Still, it seems that the best use of taco burgers is for very cheap burgers and tacos, to greatly improve the flavor of both when one does not satisfy. Still, one day, when Five Guys moves to Tenleytown to give it a so-necessary good American eatery, I will have a Five Guys / Chipotle taco burger, and that will be the best taco burger ever.

Posted by icejew at March 14, 2005 11:27 PM

Comments

does the taco filling not just fall out of the side of the taco?

Posted by: farbs at March 15, 2005 01:20 AM

No that never happens. It stays in there pretty good.

Posted by: DHI at March 15, 2005 08:01 AM

i applaud you

Posted by: dfsafd at March 15, 2005 12:49 PM

nonetheless it seems like a pretty unwieldy sandwich

Posted by: farbs at March 15, 2005 01:42 PM

Actually it's pretty easy to eat. Try it.

Posted by: DHI at March 15, 2005 06:12 PM

my curiosity in this case is not nearly strong enough to overpower my laziness

Posted by: farbs at March 15, 2005 07:48 PM

You fucking kike.

Posted by: DHI at March 15, 2005 08:15 PM

we still doing the taco burger bit?

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