Sumbitch!

Sumbee: How To Bee Cool

Hey kids, kidneys, kidney transplant hopefuls! Hope you had a great summer! Ol 'Bee, he went to the beach with a bunch of my best bee buddies and had bundles and barrles of fun!

People might say a lot of things about the Bee, but one thing the Bee was very surprised to hear is that some people think the Bee isn't cool! Beeswax! The bee is as cool as Coolio, L.L. Cool J, Cool Papa Bell, and Kool cigarettes all rolled into one! But don't smoke cigarettes, kids: just because the bee is cool like Kool doesn't mean it's cool to smoke Kools! A cigarette is for kids what a bear trap is for bears: something that leads to their death. Bears don't often die of cigarettes, and kids usually stay out of bear traps, but the reverse can happen all the time, and sometimes cigarettes do hurt bears like when they start forest fires and make Smokey (one of Bee's best buddies!) sad, and sometimes kids will get caught in bear traps when they wander in the wrong places! But you don't need cigarettes or bear traps because you can bee cool all by yourself, and Bee is gonna teach you how!

Cool people wear sunglasses. This is a big thing that you must have known since you were a kid from playing Mindsweeper: the smiley face always looked so cool in those shades! Shades is what cool people call sunglasses!

But it doesn't just take sunglasses to be cool, because anybody can buy sunglasses except really poor hobos, and even they can steal them! There are lots of different ways to get sunglasses! And there are also lots of different ways to be cool!

Some people say to beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yourself! Bee careful, however: this only works if you are cool yourself! If not, you will just be your own uncool self and people will make fun of you and be mean and not invite you to parties! So the easiest way to be cool is by some kind of group!

Mainstream Groups
These are for people that are really cool!

There are different types of these groups depending on if you are a little man or a little woman!

Men: There are two kinds of mainstream cool groups for men: The fraternity and the non-frat-frat-guy group! The difference between these is that some of them live in a house together with greek letters and drink light beer and throw parties for lots of people and "hook up" (this is a fun term that can mean anything!) with drunk girls, and the others hang out in a house together without greek letters and drink light beer or maybe regular beer and throw parties for people and hook up for drunk girls! These are both lots of fun! Just beeeee careful not to talk about things besides how much fun you are having and how much you like people and who you know, or the drunk girls might not like you! Also, beer is very dangerous! Even cheap light beer has as much alcohol as expensive tasty beer! Alcohol can do lots of bad things to you, like make you throw up and give you headaches and make you lose your judgeship! However, you can still be part of frats! All you have to do is get really good at throwing ping pong balls into cups, and you will make other people drink the alcohol and have it all to yourself! The Bee doesn't like to have to do this, so he just avoids it altogether, and that's the way most people should go, but the frat can still be very fun and cool!

If you are a girl, you don't have to drink or join a fraternity (which is greek for "The City of Brotherly Love!) to be cool! You can join a clique! A clique was invented, by the French, in 1801 by Le' Countessemena de Clique, which is pronounced "Leh Cow de Click" and means "The Countess of Clique"! All you need to make a click is a pretty girl, and then other girls can follow her! Remember one thing, though: it is no fun to be in a clique if you let everyone else hang out with you! Then people won't feel like they are special just because they around you and you won't be cool anymore :(. Be a happy queen bee and be sure to make your clique very exclusive for MAX COOLNESS FUN!

If you are worried about only playing with boys or girls, don't fear! Get your group to team up with a group of the other gender to make a fun supergroup! You don't really hang out together all the time, but if you are boys the little clickity-click will only hang out with your group when they hang out with boys, and if you are a girl the frat or non-frat group will only hang out with your clique when they hang out with girls!

Counterculture Groups

If you don't want to be in one of the mainstream groups, you can be in a counterculture group! The fun thing about these is that you can be different and have a sense of individuality! These groups are easier to join than mainstream groups because they usually like anyone who does all the things they want, which are more specific than mainstream groups so they are easier to follow!

After all, some people don't like Cliques. The rapster Tupac said about the Notable BIG
"First off, I [bumbled] your [bee] in the clique you claim" So it is better to be in a group!

Whether or not you do drugs, you can define yourself by it! If you do drugs, you can be a stoner, and if not you can be straight-edge! Either way, the main theme is that you either do or don't do drugs! To be a stoner, you have to smoke lots of marijuana always, and sometimes "trip" on other things, like mushrooms and LSD (this is what the Beatniks wrote "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" about) and staircases! You can listen to lots of hippie music and watch special stoner TV Shows and Movies! But drugs are dangerous and kill poor little Bees, so the Sumbee doesn't like stoning, even though that Forrest Gump song said everybody has to, he was talking about stones being thrown at you, which is just as dangerous but is not your fault! So it is safer to be straightedge! The straightedge group was started in Washington, D.C., our nation's capital, and as you can see from the straightedge movement, it is also the Capital of Cool! What is straightedge? Some people say "A straightedge is a tool similar to a ruler, but without markings". That's a mean definition, because tool is a bad word to call people, and straightedge people are too cool to be tools, and cool enough to stay in school! Straightedge people can enjoy life without the ability to draw straight lines, because they can just use a straightedge to help them draw them! They also enjoy life without drugs or alcohols or tobacco (tabasco is OK unless you are "hardline" straightedge) because they listen to hardcore music, which is like Rock n Roll but very loud and fast and without people paying attention to what they are doing! But in straight edge you pay attention to what you are doing, as long as you are not doing drugs! Remember, drugs do you! This saying means that drugs smoke and inject and snort people just as much as people do these things to drugs!

Hippies are another non-mainstream group! Hippies are known for their very rebellious politics! Every hippie has the same simple philosophy, as true rebels and free thinkers: lean as far to the left as possible. Not literally, silly! This means the "left wing", with communists and things, instead of the right wing with Nazis and elephants!

The other kind of counterculture groups are what the bee callsmean-ol-groups! There are punks and skinheads and goths! All of these are similar in appearance, with dark clothings and piercings and funny hair, but are different in beliefs! There are different kinds of each one:
Punks: There are two kinds of punks: punks in jail and punks out of jail! In jail, a punk means a smaller person that is friends with a bigger person, but they let their bigger friend decide what to do! Outside of jail, punks wear mohawks to represent the fact that the founder of the punk movement was a Mohawk Indian!
Goths: There are two main kinds of goths: ostrogoths and visigoths! Both of these are Germanic, however, and for fun they build churches with high ceilings!
Skinheads: There is only one type of skinhead, but remember that some people who are bald are not skinheads! They just shave their heads or are old and bald, and you must be nice to them and not call them skinheads or they will get mad and so will the real skinheads!

Well, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee well ol' b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-buddies!
It's time for "da bee" to "jet"

Posted by icejew at October 24, 2005 01:53 AM