Sumbitch!: I Ain't No Uncle Tom

December 06, 2005

I Ain't No Uncle Tom

Uncle Tom's Cabin Poster for Website.jpg

It's hard to tell how much of my criticism of sellouts and high-earners and true assholes and fakers is just slave morality because they're doing much better and I could get back on top if they acted like I said they should act.

But it's not, I don't think.

And besides, if I am a slave, I ain't gonna be no Uncle Tom and just say massa's right.
But I'm not a slave really.
They don't own me.
They just are better than me on their own terms.
It's not a good analogy, slave morality.
But it is the concept.

But I ain't no Uncle Tom, nor no Job neither. I don't got patience. But I'm also not John Brown. I don't got revolution sized balls, those are like watermelon sized balls, not that big.

I forgot where I was going with this.

All the way to the bank.

That's where they're going.

That's where they're laughing.

Something horrible...all the way to the bank.

The us/me v them philosophy really helps to antagonize people.

Jester didn't get any ads besides our WBAR connection on our first try, here is the new ad campaign:

Have you thought of advertising in the Jester?
No? Well that explains why your shower sprays tap water instead of glacier water, and your bathtub is filled with water instead of money - you don't have the business sense to grab a chance by the udders and milk that chance for all it's worth and churn the milk into CHEDDAR!
Well we'll spell it out for you: the Jester is that moocow, and the udder is the ad space we're selling, and the milk is the extra business, and the cheddar is the money you'll be making, and the crackers are the crackers that the money will be spread too with trickle down economics just like the milk trickles down your mother's chin except that it's semen instead of milk because she has to suck cocks to pay her mortgage because you don't have the business sense to make enough money to pay for her. Your mother's dead? Dirty slut that she is, she probably died of AIDS, and you could have afforded to buy her delicious AIDS cocktails with TOP SHELF TREATMENT LIQUORS if you had only had the business sense to be an investor in the Jester?
Why, you ask like an imbecile, is the Jester so great?
First, the Jester is a COLOMBIAN TRADITION, like cocaine. Did you see Scarface or the "Life of Rayful Edmond"? Because I want a copy of that movie because it's hard to find and I want like an idiot to see a "D.C. thing", and also coke is profitable, but the Jester is legal and so is EVEN MORE LUCRATIVE.
Second, the Jester is available for free to ANYONE IN THE WORLD who wants it. There are $6 billion people people in the world, and we only ask ONE billion for the ad, giving you a profit of SIX MINUS ONE billion dollars.
Third, the Jester NEEDS YOUR HELP. The Beatles said they liked to get high with a little help from their friends - if you are our friend, you can can get high on our supply of COLOMBIAN TRADITION!
So grab the udder, that quadruple long-titty/flaccid-phallus, and squeeze it for all it's worth, dairy farmer. The opportunity is ripe for the picking.

Well I had no idea it was gonna end up like that but it did.
Aight.
Good night.

Posted by icejew at December 6, 2005 04:08 AM

Comments

i saw the rayful edmond DVD at potomac video one of those times i was home.

Posted by: farbs at December 6, 2005 12:31 PM

a) Good to know they have it there.
b) How was it?

Posted by: DHI at December 6, 2005 01:49 PM

i didn't rent it

Posted by: farbs at December 6, 2005 05:47 PM

Oh right I read "saw the DVD" and thought you saw the movie and not the DVD itself.

Posted by: DHI at December 6, 2005 06:46 PM

that movie is pretty terrible

Posted by: adsfdf at December 7, 2005 05:36 PM

Really? I sort of thought that might be the case because nobody talked about it after the initial hype, but I was still hoping it would be good as I hadn't heard anybody say otherwise.

Posted by: DHI at December 7, 2005 08:18 PM

Its true; its not as good as its street cred feels.
the whiteboyshrieking"rayful, like grateful"doesn't match that sick vid. get rid of that. so DC, bring it up, "go-go" in all caps, mention mention something two? oh, two.

Posted by: jruss at December 10, 2005 12:11 AM

The question I want to know is, Is the Jester online? 'Cause I'd read it then, and might even click on an ad banner or two.

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