The first semester of college, it seems, is like most things in the world: it's bullshit.
But what manner of bullshit is it, that is the real question? Since everything is bullshit, it's sometimes hard to tell the difference between all the different types of bullshit, with various smells and contents, so I will lay down the various steps to the entire "college process" as I best understand them. I will try to not make this one redundant with the college guide already available on this website, so after I discuss being in college I will switch to the first person, as the general ideas have already been well explained.
However, because I am getting tired, I only have part 1: Getting there.
Looking at Colleges
You will go around looking at places to go to college based on things you've heard. This process is very unsubstantiated. There are two things you can do. First, you can go stay with a friend, and based on a combination of the people they happen to know, what they happen to be doing at the time that you visit, and how intoxicated you are, decide how you like it.
Or, you can do an "official college visit." You go to visit the campus, based on the assumption that from walking around it you can gain the "feel" of the place, and that you should perhaps judge lots of things based on how "pretty" the campus is, and what sort of generalizations you draw from the students. It is not entirely necessary for a college to be there, actually, you can pretty much go to any place with nice buildings and/or trees, and young people, and look at those things. While you are looking at things, you can hear people say things that are in booklets and books and online on their website, but they say the things so you don't have to read them.
Application
After looking at colleges, you can choose one to apply to.
First, think about where you want to live.
There are the following environments:
1) Inside a city.
2) Outside a city.
These can be futher narrowed down into:
1a) Buildings interspersed throughout a part of the city
1a)(i) Buildings interspersed throughout a cool part of the city
1a)(iI) Buildings interspersed throughout a lame part of the city
1b) A bullshit campus
1b)(i)A bullshit campus in the downtown area
1b)(ii)A bullshit campus in the non-downtown area.
2a) Way the fuck out in the middle of nowhere.
2b) "Just outside" a city
2b)(i) Somewhat near a city, claiming to be inside it.
2b)(ii) Somewhat near a city, not claiming to be inside it.
2c) In a "college town"
Next, decide the region that you want to live in, in order of popularity:
1) The "Ol' Traditional" Northeast.
2) The "Wack-Ass" West Coast
3) The "What Can I Say" Midwest
4) The "Too Close to Home" Mid-Atlantic
5) The "I Can't Stand A Place Where People's Politics Are Different" South
6) The "Really Wet" Gulf Coast
7) The "Buffalos Roam" Mountain States
8) "Don't Mess With" Texas
9) The "Nice Landscapes" Southwest
10) The MOTHERFUCKING RUST BELT (also will be part of 3)
Get some graph paper, and plot this location on a coordinate plane: for example, The University of Maryland would be (2bii, 4). Do this for every school you are considering. Connect the dots for a picture of Abraham Lincoln, and sell your "connect-a-dot" map to the Mini Page.
Here is where you will probably live: in a dorm.
Then, start doing applications. Here are some hints.
a) Bitch about how much applying sucks.
b) "Sell yourself" by somehow writing about how great you are. Note: This is impossible unless you are a complete douchebag or highly motivated or something.
c) Try to remember every obscure thing you did, and write it down on a piece of paper, and call it a fancy foreign word that isn't pronounced "resume".
d) Masturbate onto printer paper in the hopes that you will jizz a good college essay.
Next intsallment: more on applying, including the "common app" and "early decision", and also "hearing from colleges" "picking a school" and "orientation week".
Posted by icejew at December 21, 2005 03:16 AM1. RIP Minipage.
2. Mother fuckin' RUST BELT. What can I say? It's all true.
3. I really laughed when you wrote about jizzing onto printer paper/printing your personal essay. *sigh* *sigh* *sigh* If only I had a penis then I wouldn't have problems with anything.
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