Sumbitch!

New Year's Eve

New Year's Eve is tomorrow.
New Year's Eve is three-hundred-thirty-second in the "Eve" line of women created by God. All Eves are rib-made, and collectable. They have come in various themes and styles, and New Year's Eve comes out tomorrow.
I gotta buy me one of those.

New Year's Eve is tomorrow.
A hundred kids will walk around with varying degrees of innebriation, kids I may or may not want to see. The fact that a bunch of people are in the same place with a lot of alcohol is very appealing, apparently. But if New Year's Eve is tomorrow, New Year's Day is The Day After Tomorrow, and thus a blatantly terrible movie. The one tradition people have for a New Year, other than eating stuff and being tired and writing the wrong date on their stuff for a few weeks, is making resolutions, which is basically a bunch of stuff you decide to do. This is because the winter is psychologically the best time to decide to do things. These are either things they have wanted to do, or things to improve themselves, or moral things.
One of the popular resolutions is going to the gym. "The gym" is an American myth of a good place to go. This is based on the assumption that you have to go to "the gym" to be strong or fit or attractive. Strong? John Henry didn't go to no motherfucking gym. Fit? Those million year old Japanese people must be fit to live that long, and I'm pretty sure they don't have room for a gym in Japan. Attractive? Marilyn Monroe wasn't in a gym as far as I know, as I am pretty sure the gym was invented in the 80s or 90s or whatever decade everything went to shit.
Well here is the advantage of the gym: it has things that can help you be strong, if you do not have a job in manual labor in which you are paid to do these things rather than paying to do them. I support the goal of myself being strong (not other people, since a lot of what apparently matters is strength/muscleness relative to other people), because it is good to be able to move things and fight people well and get shallow women, and do not mind physical activity so much, so as a consequence you would think that perhaps I would like gyms, but that could be farther from the truth if adjectives such as "very" were added in a way that made sense, like "I very much like gyms," but as it stands is still far from the truth, as I do not like those constructions, for reasons other than laziness which is what you might think.
There is a gym near Wilson High School, as many of you know, called the Sport and Health Club. The title brings up a contradiction: "Sports" are fun to play and watch, while "Health Clubs" are for bitch yuppies, and the word "and" joins them together. So is the place good or bad? A trip inside settles the question, as it is quickly revealed that there are no sports inside the Sport and Health Club. There are no hockey pucks, no goals or goalposts, no footballs, basketballs or baseballs. The only balls you will see are the balls that old men will indiscriminately hang in the air if you happen to walk into the locker room or restroom, and while it may be "sport" to kick them in the balls, you will soon notice it is easier to aim a kick at the balls when you don't actually have to look at the balls, so this is even more out of the question than it already would be.
But the villainy of the Sport and Health club goes beyond the dearth of sports and the glut of balls. There is the idea of the gym as a "community". A sign inside there has a picture of some asshole doing pushups and says "I want a gym that feels like a home away from home?" Oh yeah, douchebag? Well I want a gym that feels like a room that has some weights in it and nobody to bother me. I don't want to see you work out and I don't want you to see me work out. I don't want naked men hanging their balls around my home, nor showing off how many blocks or wheels or bars of metal they can move. I have no problem with moving blocks or wheels or bars of metal, but showing off what you can do is for assholes, just like nobody wants some kid to sit down and start doing math homework really fast on a chalkboard. They also find it necessary to wear shirts that do not have sleeves. If a small, thin piece of cloth is going to make it impossible for you to lift things, you probably aren't very strong, yet it seems to be the people who are already strong who wear those.
Now the douchebags are one issue, the douchees are the other. Some people like the idea of a gym as a place to meet people. Now there is one problem, and that is that there are three kind of girls that go to the gym:
A) Fat (and actually fat, not just "fat" in the overreactive way of like every non-skinny non-fat girl describing herself) chicks.
B) Buff and/or otherwise ugly, but not fat, chicks.
C) Intimidating chicks.
Now class C is the only one worth pursuing because I haven't transcended the "aesthetic phase" as that Swedish or whatever he is motherfucker Soren Kierkegaard would say, I'll be damned if I'm gonna spell his name with a line through the o, you can get a line through the o when we adopt your Scandanavian language but while we speak English we're spelling your namei in English, asshole. Anyway, even them, they may risk getting less attractive by overworking themselves and either downsizing parts that should not be downsized or inappropriately upsizing their muscles. But regardless, any attempt is useless because people who are not only more attractive but also more likely to have the necessary fakery and non-self-conciousness will get to her first, or if not first more sucessfully. So the bottom line is that the gym is far from a good place to meet people, as it is intimidating and filled with competition.
But anyway, back to this "home away from home" thing. One thing that makes it a "home" is that you have patronizing parents there, by the name of "personal trainers." These people are friendly and outgoing, and make you want to vomit. While they are not to blame for their asshole job, they are nonetheless there, so the fact that it is not their fault does not do much to redeem the gym.
Another thing that the gym has is showers, in case you don't want to take your shower at home, where you not only have privacy but also all your clothes. While it is true that not everybody has a shower or a home, everybody who pays for a gym membership should have both. However, taking a shower at the gym, besides allowing gay people to look at other men naked, allows stupid people to feel like they are spending more time at the gym, and getting ready to go to the gym, without actually doing exercise, and also makes them feel like they need a "gym bag" so that they can show everybody that they go to the gym, and drink vitamin water, which is basically a product consisting of one one hundredth of a three dollar jar of daily mutliples and a bunch of zero dollar stuff known as water, with an apparently two dollar fifty cent plastic bottle. That stuff is awesome.
Anyway, that's the gym for you, good thing they don't have that shit at college, Happy New Years.

Oh by the way, when I wrote and published this New Year's Eve was "tomorrow." The day doesn't change at midnight in terms of normal people. When it's past 12, don't say "today" to refer to "tomorrow." The day changes at sleep, and if you don't sleep, you are not only killing yourself and day starts at sunrise. Official time is really arbitrary.