Sumbitch!

What if?

What if that whole "You don't do drugs: drugs do you" campaign was based on Yakov Smirnoff? Like perhaps one time he said "In Soviet Russia, drugs do you!" and those guys were watching it and said "Hey man, drugs do you! That would be a great anti-drug campaign!"

By the way, here is the man's website.

Yakov, by the way, I've been learning, is not just "In Soviet Russia" jokes. These ones are great jokes, accent or not.

Here are some more zingers by the ol' Soviet

" I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering."

"In Russia is freedom of speech. In America is also freedom after speech. "

In conclusion, Yakov Smirnoff is a great man with a brand of vodka named after him.

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Why is it Racial "Slur"?

Is it because a lot people get racist when they're drunk?
"See man, the chinks, ah shit, the fucking chinks man, fucking...made their chinese food, dude, they made it so hard to eat, I can't use these chopsticks man, get me a fork any day, why can't a find a chink with a fork?"

What Would Be Interesting is If George W. Bush Was Inspired By Johnny Cash

"Come on you gotta listen unto me / lay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be"

Definitely words that spoke very strongly to ol' prez. Do you think if Bush was tried for war crimes or something he'd run to Mexico, and they'd overtake him down in Juarez. What if he took a shot of cocaine and shot Laura down? Would the Secret Service cover for him? What if they secretly thought he was a douchebag, then they might not, they'd just arrest him and then protect Dick Cheney from clogged arteries and stuff, because nobody would take the trouble to kill Cheney, even though he's a Dick "with a capital D" as the saying goes.

"Early one morning while making the rounds / I took a shot of cocaine and I brought ol' Saddam down / went right home and I went to bed / I found the WMDs they were inside my head" ...or something.

That reminds me of "I found my friends, they're in my head. Good ol' Nirvana, release from the cycle of life. What if I don't want relief from the cycle of life? What then? WHAT THEN?

See, this is why Nietzsche is great. He's not a bland "life is suffering" motherfucker, he has grand plans. And although his advice may be terrible for society at large, it's great to have as an individual. It's the kind of thing you want to be doing but you don't want everyone else to be doing, but the great part is that a lot of Genealogy justifies that sort of viewpoint, Kant is full of shit.

Full of shit. Does someone have to be full of shit for you to beat the shit out them? Because otherwise there's no shit to beat out.

"Fucked the shit out of her". Does she shit come out when you do this? That's not a good thing. And if you're doing her in the ass, do you say "I fucked the shit into her"? I wouldn't know.

Anyway, enjoy. Life or such.

Do You Realize That George W. Bush Called Himself a Horse?

"Don't change horses in midstream"
Who's the horse? Why it's George W. Bush. Of course, Kerry is the one who looks more like a horse, and it makes sense because Bush took him for a ride. Don't change to the Kerry horse in midstream, they say. So America has reelected a horse as president instead of switching to a person. It reminds me of that town that elected a horse. And also of that Family Guy, with the "one-horse town"

Meg: Quahog, that one horse town
(horse is standing in middle of road by itself)
Horse: Hey, shut up! You shut up. No, you shut up. You shut up. You're the one talking. Well, there's no one else here. Okay, everybody just shut up! What's that? The wind.

Hear it

Also, if he's a horse, and the only horse, does that make us a one-horse country? How can we be the world superpower and also a one-horse country.

This just doesn't make any sense. Why did nobody question whether Bush was really a horse? It would be great if Laura came out and said "Well, Georgy may think he's a horse, but he's fooling himself he thinks he's hung like a horse. More like a cat."

Speaking of which, why do we get all the shitty first ladies? Laura is pretty good at cooking and teaching, her two jobs, and Hillary Clinton, well she is just a bitch. Also Theresa Heinz Ketchup is also a bitch, and she didn't invent the ketchup. As was pointed out to me by Mr. Storch, Obama, Obama has a pretty fine wife as far as political wives go. She's not incredible or anything but she's pretty good. This is why Obama should run for president someday.

Speaking of horse and George W. Bush, do you think he ever did horse? I think the farthest he went was coke myself, but I wouldn't rule out the ol' H.

What is With The "I Love the '90s" Thing?

Other than the great economy and some good movies, weren't the 90s a pretty shitty decade? I have a feeling they're not gonna be talking about the economy, and probably not very much about the good movies either.

Fun with Headlines

Washington Post Headline for Article:

New Term Sets Bush Dynasty

Political scholars say Bush is a name that belongs next to Adams, Kennedy.
– John F. Harris

Wouldn't it be a more interesting article if they said:

New Term Sets Bush Dynasty

Political scholars say Bush is a name that belongs next to Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, Kennedy.
– John F. Harris

And now for something more cheerful...

This will hopefully be published in The Beacon, in response to the ridiculously inadequate Steak 'n Egg review from earlier this year:

How To Win At Steak 'n Egg

An old Swahili adage is recounted: “to win at life, one must win at Steak ‘n Egg”. The elder who coined this phrase was incredibly prophetic, for it was to be several hundred years before Osman and Joe’s Steak ‘n Egg Kitchen was created in the Tenleytown region of Washington, D.C.. Osman Barrie and Joe Vamboi, both formerly from Sierra Leone, came together to run the Wisconsin Avenue location of Steak ‘n Egg in 1998, and have created a beauty, a place that not only serves delicious and reliable food at any time whatsoever but a place that represents the peak of human society, where people of all classes, races, ages, ethnicities, occupations, backgrounds and states of sobriety can come together to enjoy great greasy food. Steak ‘n Egg deals not in snobbery or resentment but in camaraderie and patty melts; it is a place that affirms life, a place that is quintessentially representative of what is great about D.C.. Whether it’s the lazy daytime and (relatively) early evening gang, the bustling after-midnight crowd, or the very-early-morning working crowd getting their day started, Steak ‘n Egg has good people in it. In the increasingly gentrified (Container Store? Container Store?) Tenleytown, Steak ‘n Egg is needed now more than ever, and will always be one of the greatest places in Upper Northwest. The Beacon has covered D.C. before, but for a Tenley-located school, there can never be too much coverage of Steak ‘n Egg. And even if you’re among the underclass of humans who looks down on Steak ‘n Egg, there’s a good chance you’ll end up there sometimes
Despite its glory, Steak ‘n Egg can turn into a pitfall for your wallet if you’re not careful. For one thing, you have to add 10% tax and then 15% (at least – these people put up with a lot, especially with the late crowds) tip, which amounts to 26.5% on top of whatever you see on the menu, and for another, many items are expensive. Luckily, it is a place full of remarkably good deals, as well as several dishes well worth the money when your bankroll is swelling. What follows is a summary of the best items available:

If you are low on cash but high on marijuana, you’re probably hungry and not able to afford much food. Fear not, for Steak ‘n Egg offers several products for people like you. One of the best of the inexpensive items is the Hash Brown with Ham and Cheese, which is the classic Steak ‘n Egg circular hash brown topped with a slab or two of American cheese and squares of ham. It may not be pretty, but it’s a simple, tasty, and reasonably filling, particularly for its 2.29 tag. If you prefer chili, though Steak ‘n Egg’s chili is not perhaps the best in the business, that can replace the ham and cheese, or, if you are feeling fancy, you can nab this hash brown with onions, ham, cheese, and chili all up on it, for a price of only 2.99. For more 2.99 dishes, direct your attention to the Egg ‘n sandwich, which is served on an English muffin with egg, cheese, and bacon, sausage, ham, or scrapple. You can get a biscuit instead of a muffin for no extra charge, and the sausage is the most filling of the four toppings. The Steak ‘n Egg biscuits are good and buttery, and are recommended for this endeavor.

The single item menu offers more than just hash browns (which can also be purchased un-topped or un-yun-topped for 1.29 and 1.49, respectively); in other hash-named items, the corned beef hash (crispy on the outside, soft on the inside, salty throughout, and filled with small pieaces of potato) is a good deal for 2.99, and a single egg and toast runs 2.29, 2.99 for two eggs. If served sunny-side up, the eggs can be slit to allow the yolk to be soaked up by the toast, leading to a delicious butter-bread-yolk concoction. If you’re not an egg person, you can buy yourself cereal for 1.99, or biscuits and gravy (highly recommended) for 2.59. Single servings of meats, however, run a bit steep. The stars of the menu are still the ham-and-cheese hash brown and the egg ‘n sandwich.

If you move it up a notch, there are several more great items to be discovered. Though not exceptional when untopped, the burger runs at a reasonable 3.89. Pancakes, waffles, and surprisingly good French toast run for a little over four bucks each, and the “killer cakes” are still 3.95, and are delicious with chocolate chips (which unfortunately are extra).

If you’re not too worried about cash, and just want something good to eat, get the 5-something-nine patty melt. If you don’t know what a patty melt is, you should, but it’s basically a burger combined with a grilled cheese sandwich. The patty is cooked, then the slices bread (rye) of bread are laid on the griddle while cheese is melted on top of them. Add grilled onions, and place the burger in the middle, and you have a magnificent creation.

Another amazing burger-related item is the Smoky Mountain Burger, topped with two patties, bacon, cheese, grilled onion and savory barbeque sauce as well as the standard lettuce and tomato. It runs about 7.50, but it’s a very good eat, and a guaranteed fill, and it is served with hash browns. Although neither you nor your arteries can afford to keep it up, the Smoky Mountain is something to be admired, and something that every Steak ‘n Egg customer must try (and since everyone should be a Steak ‘n Egg customer, the clear implication is that everyone should try it). The namesake Steak ‘n Egg breakfast runs 8.99 these days with hash browns, 2 eggs, toast, and a good ol’ slab-o-steak. Though the steak is not what you’d get in an expensive eatery, it is juicy and tastes good with the Montreal steak seasoning and the breakfast accompaniments are solid. Also, for a small fee, the biscuits or bagels can replace the well-buttered white bread toast. You have to be high rolling to afford the big breakfast, but they’re quite satisfying, from the standard steak ‘n egg to the three-egg-and meat Paul Bunyan to the 10 oz. T-Bone version of the steak and egg breakfast.

A last clear winner on the menu is not a food at all, but rather the house coffee, served for $1.25 a cup with refills. It’s good solid coffee at a good price, and something you can enjoy over the course of a big breakfast or the middle of a long night. Unfortunately, if you don’t order food you don’t get refills, but if you are ordering food and could use a boost, be sure to place the order. The order for coffee. In case you were confused.

So to review, the winning dishes at Steak ‘n Egg, in order of cost :
Coffee
Hash browns with ham and cheese
“Egg ‘n” sandwich (particularly egg ‘n sausage on a biscuit)
Burger
French toast
Patty melt
Smoky Mountain Burger
Steak ‘n Egg breakfast

Enjoy Steak ‘n Egg. If not you are a horrible person.

Misguided Protest

No, I'm not even talking about the Inauguration Day rallies this time, it's this "Not One Damn Dime Day"

Here is the suggestion

Inauguration Day, Thursday, January 20th, 2005 is "Not One Damn Dime Day" in America. On "Not One Damn Dime Day" those who oppose what is happening in our name in Iraq can speak up with a 24-hour national boycott of all forms of consumer spending. During "Not One Damn Dime Day" please don't spend money. Not one damn dime for gasoline. Not one damn dime for necessities or for impulse purchases. Not one damn dime for anything for 24 hours.

There's no rally to attend. No marching to do. No left or right wing agenda to rant about. On "Not One Damn Dime Day" you take action by doing nothing. You open your mouth by keeping your wallet closed. For 24 hours, nothing gets spent, not one damn dime, to remind our religious leaders and our politicians of their moral responsibility to end the war in Iraq and give America back to the people.

What people don't realize is that big business is not at all affected by an ephemeral protest. One day is nothing. They are not living by the day, they are living by the quarter, and for any corporation other than fast food chains, you're just going to buy these products later. You're not going to avoid needing gas for the car, or necessities - they get the money back. And any major chain that relies on impact purchases will have the ability to absorb a single day.

Here's one response to it posted on a website.

Economic boycotts DO make a difference. Doesn't anyone remember Martin Luther King Jr.? He used peaceful boycotts that affected economics to achieve HUGE political change. I will be at the Vigil and not buy a thing on the 20th. 40 million dollars are being spent for the inauguration. Think of all the much needed military equipment for the troops or tsunami aid that could be purchased with that money. It makes me sick! --JC

That is fucking ridiculous. The King boycott worked because King understand what a boycott needed to work. It needed mass participation and, most of all, endurance. The first few days, hell even the first few months, they were not able to do shit. The protest worked because they stuck with it and made actual sacrifices over SEVERAL MONTHS. King knew how to get shit done, because he had real action, not symbolic meaningless action, that required real sacrifice, not just symbolic action, and real risks. People today don't realize the degree to which people in Montgomery actually had to put in an effort.

Anyway, aside from the "you are fucking not M.L.K." rant, if you look at the actual effects of the protest, the businesses you are hurting are places that actually hang on day by day, places like A.K.A. Frisco's. It's true that an economic protest could lead to real change, but only if you get a significant segment of the population to stop for MONTHS. This day of Jew-like miserliness seriously only hurts the weakest of local businesses. It doesn't send a message to Bush at all.

Idealism is fucking great and all, but this is a stupid protest. Me, I'm gonna be going down to Five Guys or something, maybe I will buy something from CD exchange, I might even fucking go to....McDonald's. If you like to feel like you're making a difference to corporate America and not care if you really are, go ahead and do this, but I guarantee you it won't do shit. If I don't spend my money, it will be by coincidence.

On the other hand, maybe somebody will get some balls and organize an actual effective protest that requires some real sacrifice and actually LASTS SOME SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF TIME. I'd be all for some kind of significant action, but the youth of today seem to like hip, idealistic, and ultimately useless symbolism.

Latin, oh?

Here is a question that has bothered me for a long time: How did Hispanic people get sole possession of the “Latin” title? Italians and Grecians are not in America considered “Latin” peoples, even though the influence of Latin-speaking Romans was as strong there as anywhere else, if not stronger. France is as much a romance language as Spanish, yet French are not considered Latin either. Even English is heavily Latinate. Pretty much all of America that is not Asian or African is “Latin America.” I have nothing against Hispanics, but I don’t understand where everyone else lost their Latin influence.

Want Archives?

The following three steps require the assistance of the webmassa. I got the rest.

1. Connect to your FTP server; then open the directory where you installed Movable Type.

2. Create a new directory called import, then open that directory.

3. Upload the file containing all of your entries into the import directory.

"The Nazi"

I have thought of the idea of a person called "The Nazi". Nazis are all that is on his mind. He starts talking in a slow German accent, but often goes into shouting Nazi slogans at the top of his lungs. He is a registered member of the Nazi party. For example, here is a conversation he has on election day.

"Hey, who are you voting for?"
"Are you kidding good comrade? Ze Republicans is loves Jews. Ze Democrats is Jews. Ze Green Party is ignores Jews. I VOTE FOR ZE NAZIS! Ze Nazi party is ze only party that ADDRESSES ZE JEWISH PROBLEM!"

"The Nazi" will see you on the street and will be very friendly, but must always add something Nazi to the conversation.

"Hey, nice day isn't it?"

"Yes, you are right. It is very nice day...TO EXTERMINATE THE LOWER RACES!"

"The Nazi" will sometimes go to the theater.

"So, The Nazi, I see you're coming to the theater with us. Do you like acting?"
"Yes, I love acting. ACTING TO CARRY OUT THE WILL OF THE FUHRER!"

He has been known, on occasion, to attend Diversity Workshop meetings at Wilson.

"And what I say is, do you not realize that blacks, hispanics, jews, all is equal...EQUALLY GOOD FOR ZE GAS CHAMBERS!"

He has a strict moral code, and despises Nietzschian philosophy.

"You see, zis Nietzsche, he is not good German, he has no morals. Good German needs morals. Morals to DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO ELIMINATE THE JEWISH SVINE!"

He encourages multicultural tolerance meetings

"I think I has good idea to settle problems, idea is we gets all ze Negroes, all ze Spanish, all ze Asians, and ze Catholics, and ze Jews, and ze white people who wants to get along with ze ozzer races, and we gets zem togedder, and has a meeting where zey can talk about and settle ze differences AND ZEN WE KILL ZEM ALL!"

He likes to talk about his friends.

"Yes, see, I am very friendly, I have many friends, there is my friend Joe, my friend Sara, my friend Steve, my friend Jane, my friend Bill, and MY FRIEND ADOLPH HITLER!"

He greets everyone with a heil, but if you do not heil back, he gets angry:
"CHONSON!"
"Eh?"
"CHONSON! WHY DID YOU NOT RETURN MY HEIL?"
"Sorry?"
"WHEN I HEIL, CHONSON, YOU HEIL BACK! HEIL HITLER!"
"Heil!"
"Good job, Chonson. You are good citizen. I was worried that you DID NOT RESPECT MEIN FUHRER!"

And so on. You get the idea. "The Nazi" is not a real person, or a character in anything, just a person you should imagine the existence of. When you think of an everyday situation, think "What Would The Nazi Do?"

Where To Go From Now?

Saul Cohen is God, and as God, is responsible for all the shittiness in our world. Go blame him for everything that goes wrong. Here is an example of a way Saul fucked up: the closing of A.K.A. Frisco's:

Yesterday I parked my car in the very familiar McDonald's parking spot, first on the left, that I had been using an average of 2.3 times a week for the past few months, and did something very unusual. I walked into the McDonalds and got some food.

This is unusual, of course, because of what I could not do: I could not walk out of the parking lot, cross the street, walk up the steps, and go to A.K.A. Frisco's knowing I would get a delicious "baker" with the five dollars I had in my possession.

The loss of Frisco's has finally hit home. My place to go after school is gone.

Make your arguments for Chipotle, you bastards, but it was no Frisco's and whether or not you know it is irrelevant, I know it, I have grown sick of it, I enjoy the food there but it's definitely not a top option. Plus it's not five dollars. "The Wizard" Samuels summarized it beautifully in a sonnet he wrote for English class, how the loss of Frisco's had destroyed Tenley, how he had grown tired of Chipotle and how Frisco's had provided refuge, how he loved the various delicious items there, how five dollars no longer was a viable amount of money for lunch. He put it a lot more eloquently than me.

Anyway, save your arguments on Chipotle, that is for another day, another day in which everyone gets pissed at me. We'll have that discussion later, but this is about Frisco's. Here is what I could buy for five dollars in the past, known as "The Golden Age"

Kong Lobo - Amazing blend of chili, cheese, sour cream, crisp red onion and bacon, amazing Meltdown, and whatever those great green things were served over potato. Fucking great. And it was filling. It was a thing of beauty. Saul, your commentary is not wanted here.

Redwood - What's better than roast beef, cheese, and horseradish? Adding ranch and potatoes. This fucker was good when you got that hunger for the ranch in your mouth, they have a lot of ranch.

Santa Fe - That famous chicken was famous for a reason - it was not as good as the Kong Lobo. But it was still great. For five dollars, the quality was near unmatched.

If you got a few more bucks, you could grab exploded potatoes (which are unequaled anywhere and also I still haven't gotten any of those sw has if he still has any left) on the side or get one of the many great sammiches (I liked the embarcadero, with its half pound of roast beef along with some really good cheddar and horseradish)
And though the bakers were the stars, rather than the sammiches, the sammiches did represent the only viable sammich place in the area, unless you expand the range of the area to include Wagshall's, but I don't, Wagshall's is in Spring Valley or somewhere like that.

Only a few people still in Wilson will miss Frisco's, mainly consisting of myself, The Wizard, Big Jew, J Do-ran, N. Morison, Frosty the Snowman, and a few more friends and associates of the above, but what it meant to those few was so much.

Let's review the Tenley options now, with a 5 dollar budget.
McDonald's: Yeah, you can get a lot of food, but the quality is pretty shitty. I like McDonald's, I eat there a lot, I enjoy the food, but McDonald's is McDonald's. It's not the kind of place you can go to a few times a week and savor the food.

Chipotle: You can get a quesadilla or something lame like that. This is not a meal. It is what you get at Chipotle when you're too tired to go somewhere else and a lot of people are going to Chipotle.

Steak 'n Egg: You can get the plain burger there, but this burger is not so great. Breakfast food after tip usually exceeds five, but I think one of the items can keep it under. There is the Egg 'n Sausage, the best value there, or the Corned Beef Hash or Biscuits and Gravy, but still it doesn't quite cut it. And also a bunch of terrible people will say "Ooohh, Steak 'n Egg is gross". In case of encountering such a person, evaginate their vagina. Or castrate them with a Steak 'n Egg knife. The method used depends on the gender of the person.

Subway: You can get a half-assed ham sandwich or something. Why would you want to do that?

Mayflower: Chicken wings, fries, and mambo sauce. This sort of fits into the McDonald's category in terms of great, enjoy eating, not that high quality.

Popeye's: It won't be filling for five. And quality again.

Krupin's: Hahahaha! Like I would ever eat there. I think about three times I've walked in and looked at the menu, seen the prices and left. I keep forgetting how fucking expensive it is. Answer: really fucking expensive. I just included this "option" to show how fucking expensive is.

Fresh Fields: Get a poor man's meal like a bunch of samples and a 28-oz. net weight (NEVER GO FOR THE EIGHT OUNCE! YOU MORE THAN TRIPLE YOUR BREAD FOR A FIFTY CENT INCREASE IN PRICE) baugette. It is filling but not that satisfying.

Fuck you, The Market. You killed a hero. You killed it!

Back Up and Running

Saul Cohen is God.

Thanks to him, Sumbitch is finally, after a trip to Korea to fight the Chinese in the Vietnam war, up and running again. Things you can expect in the near future:

1. Better quality than any shit that was ever on that terrible livejournal.

2. Worse quality than Sumbitch's early days. I'm convinced that those are never coming back.

3. A few more of those horrible (great?) Sumbee posts.

4. Jokes about the tsunami, the holocaust, and/or the events of September 11, 2001.

5. Terrible hyperlinks.

6. Pictures edited in mspaint.exe

5. Several more closings, shut-downs, and embargos. Just kidding! Those are done now. Hopefully. No really, I'm pretty sure they are done.