February 27, 2005
100% Accurate Formula For Happiness
When you are forty, you can use this simple formula to calculate your happiness.
(Total Dollar Value of Cars Owned) / 25
+ (Value of House) / 50
+ 1000 * years of college attended
- 2000 * years of college attended past expected number of years to graduate
+ 1000 * years of graduate school attended
+ 500 * (25 - (undergrad college's rank in US News & World Report)) (if total is less than 0, add zero, do not subtract)
+ 500 * (25 - (graduate college's rank in US News & World Report)) (if total is less than 0, add zero, do not subtract)
+ 1000 * (wife's attractiveness on 1-10 scale)
+ 2000 * (number of children with > 3.5 gpa)
- 2000 * (number of children with < 2.5 gpa)
- 1000 * (number of illegal drugs used)
- 5 * (number of times marijuana or any illegal drug was used)
- 5 * (number of times alcohol was consumed to excess)
+ 5 * (number of times wine was consumed in small quantities)
+ 100 * (value of most expensive wine ever consumed)
+ (annual income) / 10
This number shows your relative happiness, as scientifically proven, it is a direct correlation. The higher the number you aim for, the more likely you will be to achieve happiness. A completely free market society is guaranteed to have a higher total number for all its citizens than any sort of socialized system.
February 24, 2005
William Zantzinger - A "Friend" of All
The dude went to Sidwell!
Says a lot for promoting diversity and peace.
February 21, 2005
Marketing Things To Children Which Harm Them
It has always been said that using the impressionable state of a young mind to sell products is one of the noblest ways in which an individual can serve his community. Therefore, I find it necessary to do the moral thing and help everyone out by giving ideas for leading people to engage in often self-destructive activities.
TV:
Adventures of Captain Morgan Captain Morgan is the name of the swashbuckling hero of this children's adventure show. He is brave and heroic and always has a big ol swig of his bottle before battle. All the crew, after they win, has a healthy serving of grog. There are also a few children who travel with him and fight by his side. One of the kids is mean and annoying. He is very self-righteous and preaches to the others about how the grog is evil, and he never drinks the grog. The other kids ostracize him, and he is made to walk the plank.
Also, there is a villain in the show named Old Crow. Old Crow is very rich and old and wears a gold monocle on his eye and an emerald ring on his finger and kills people with a cane and smokes big cigars. He is evil, and is always laughing and enjoying himself, he is drunk all the time, and is an undefeatable foe. Kids who want to be badass and evil will turn to Old Crow Whiskey in an effort to emulate the most villanous character they know, Old Crow. The Old Crow label will use this picture of the anthropomorphic avian rogue on their bottles, so that the connection is clear.
Another idea, and one even more lucrative than the above, is to invade the biggest source of childhood happiness - the Happy Meal. The trick is to pay McDonalds a royalty to package their happy meal fries in a square carton with the logo of your cigarette brand on it. They associate the carton of fries and the carton of cigarettes with the same feeling of joy, and by the time they are eight or something have moved on to the real thing.
Another idea is to get a nicotine gum company to start making non-nicotine gum for kids. Then, for a few months or so, you "accidentally" put the nicotine in the gum. When the government finds out, the gum will be discontinued, leaving the nicotine-hungry kids to run to the cigarettes.
Really the point of this was to show my picture of Old Crow. For some reason anthropomorphic crows are enjoyable to watch for me
Coming tomorrow: The Greatest in The World (Places Edition)
Dude, Those Crows
Really, for some reason whenever I think of a cartoonish crow I get a happy chuckling feeling inside, oh those silly crows. I can't explain it. It just really makes me happy to think of them crazy crows.
February 15, 2005
I Don't Know What Happened To This Post
Line Up for Remaining Nights
Thursday, February 17, 2005
A Father’s Sacrifice
Don’t Mention the Dream
Personal
INTERMISSION
The Fifteen Minute Hamlet
Spanish Monologues
The Actor’s Nightmare
Friday, February 18, 2005
God
The Fifteen Minute Hamlet
A Father’s Sacrifice
INTERMISSION
Historia de un Flemón
Spanish Monologues
The Actor’s Nightmare
Saturday, February 19, 2005
God
Don’t Mention the Dream
Personal
INTERMISSION
Historia de un Flemón
Spanish Monologues
A Father’s Sacrifice
Yes, a cut and paste. Anyway, here are the shows for the One Acts. Watch them. Well, watch Actor's Nightmare and Father's Sacrifice, the ones with the posessives, the possessives are very important. Historia de un Flemon, it is not the history of Mr. Fleming, this is dissapointing, it is not even in English, this is doubly dissapointing.
No, you're not getting a real post. I ain't no quality man. That was a thing of the past. I'm talking sabertooth past.
This Cut And Paste Is Probably More Interesting, and Takes None of My Time
Wilson Senior Nick Morison described the closing of A.K.A. Frisco's as
"some low rent [feces-related expletive]" but it was in part the high
rent which forced the Tenleytown lunch establishment out of business.
The San-Franscisco-themed Frisco's, which operated across the street
from the Wisconsin Avenue McDonalds a few blocks south of Wilson,
served up sandwiches and "bakers" (baked potatoes smothered in various
combinations of ingredients) to hungry Wilson students until January 7
of this year. Employees told Beacon reporters that the month before it
closed, the owner of the Tenleytown franchise invested much of his own
money in hopes of saving the business, to no avail.
The restaurant, which had been reviewed by The Beacon last
summer as one of the best cheap food places in the area, was a
favorite among a few Wilson seniors tired of the rest of Tenley's
either limited or overpriced cuisine, mainly because it offered large
portions of higher-quality food than could usually be expected for
under five dollars. The bakers, which rose 25 cents in price a few
months prior to closing but still remained under $4.96 after tax,
included the Kong Lobo, in which the potato was drowned in chili
topped with shredded cheddar, red onions, green chiles, sour cream,
bacon, and Meltdown, the house hot sauce, and the Santa Fe, with
tomatoes, sour cream, and a uniquely marinated chicken that was a
favorite of many students. Senior Aaron Willis was a fan of the
Redwood, which topped the potato with roast beef, melted cheese, ranch
dressing, green onions, and horseradish; Senior Jason Doran preferred
the B.A.R.T., which substituted ham for the roast beef and dropped the
horseradish from the dish and 25 cents from the price tag. Favorite
sandwiches included the Alcatraz, with turkey, avocado, honey mustard,
and alfalfa sprouts, and the Embarcadero, with a half pound of roast
beef along with cheddar and creamy horseradish.
In the waning days of the restaurant, Wilson students past and
present gathered to mourn the loss of the venerable establishment and
enjoy their favorite items. Former student Sam West, a lover and
friend of the restaurant during his three years at Wilson, felt its
loss sorely. "With the closing of Frisco's we lose not just an eatery
but a friend," West told The Beacon "in its intimate atmosphere and
simple meals, pretense took a back seat to soul, and its affordable
menu kept scores of Wilson students heartily fed through many cold
winters. It will be missed. The Kong Lobos especially." Although
Frisco's is now gone from D.C., it has not vanished from the earth
entirely. The franchise in Frederick, Maryland is still operational
and thriving, open until 7 pm on weeknights. Frisco's aficionados with
a free afternoon are free to travel up the road to get a taste of the
good old days; several current seniors plan to take a road trip,
involving trips to the ol' A.K.A. as well as reasonably priced
entertainment, such as Minor League Baseball, skeet shooting, and
bowling, offered by the Maryland suburb. During the weekdays, however,
Frisco's remains out of reach, though never out of mind.
I also included, in the version that was printed the The Bacon, directions to the Frederick location