Sumbitch!

New Year's Eve

New Year's Eve is tomorrow.
New Year's Eve is three-hundred-thirty-second in the "Eve" line of women created by God. All Eves are rib-made, and collectable. They have come in various themes and styles, and New Year's Eve comes out tomorrow.
I gotta buy me one of those.

New Year's Eve is tomorrow.
A hundred kids will walk around with varying degrees of innebriation, kids I may or may not want to see. The fact that a bunch of people are in the same place with a lot of alcohol is very appealing, apparently. But if New Year's Eve is tomorrow, New Year's Day is The Day After Tomorrow, and thus a blatantly terrible movie. The one tradition people have for a New Year, other than eating stuff and being tired and writing the wrong date on their stuff for a few weeks, is making resolutions, which is basically a bunch of stuff you decide to do. This is because the winter is psychologically the best time to decide to do things. These are either things they have wanted to do, or things to improve themselves, or moral things.
One of the popular resolutions is going to the gym. "The gym" is an American myth of a good place to go. This is based on the assumption that you have to go to "the gym" to be strong or fit or attractive. Strong? John Henry didn't go to no motherfucking gym. Fit? Those million year old Japanese people must be fit to live that long, and I'm pretty sure they don't have room for a gym in Japan. Attractive? Marilyn Monroe wasn't in a gym as far as I know, as I am pretty sure the gym was invented in the 80s or 90s or whatever decade everything went to shit.
Well here is the advantage of the gym: it has things that can help you be strong, if you do not have a job in manual labor in which you are paid to do these things rather than paying to do them. I support the goal of myself being strong (not other people, since a lot of what apparently matters is strength/muscleness relative to other people), because it is good to be able to move things and fight people well and get shallow women, and do not mind physical activity so much, so as a consequence you would think that perhaps I would like gyms, but that could be farther from the truth if adjectives such as "very" were added in a way that made sense, like "I very much like gyms," but as it stands is still far from the truth, as I do not like those constructions, for reasons other than laziness which is what you might think.
There is a gym near Wilson High School, as many of you know, called the Sport and Health Club. The title brings up a contradiction: "Sports" are fun to play and watch, while "Health Clubs" are for bitch yuppies, and the word "and" joins them together. So is the place good or bad? A trip inside settles the question, as it is quickly revealed that there are no sports inside the Sport and Health Club. There are no hockey pucks, no goals or goalposts, no footballs, basketballs or baseballs. The only balls you will see are the balls that old men will indiscriminately hang in the air if you happen to walk into the locker room or restroom, and while it may be "sport" to kick them in the balls, you will soon notice it is easier to aim a kick at the balls when you don't actually have to look at the balls, so this is even more out of the question than it already would be.
But the villainy of the Sport and Health club goes beyond the dearth of sports and the glut of balls. There is the idea of the gym as a "community". A sign inside there has a picture of some asshole doing pushups and says "I want a gym that feels like a home away from home?" Oh yeah, douchebag? Well I want a gym that feels like a room that has some weights in it and nobody to bother me. I don't want to see you work out and I don't want you to see me work out. I don't want naked men hanging their balls around my home, nor showing off how many blocks or wheels or bars of metal they can move. I have no problem with moving blocks or wheels or bars of metal, but showing off what you can do is for assholes, just like nobody wants some kid to sit down and start doing math homework really fast on a chalkboard. They also find it necessary to wear shirts that do not have sleeves. If a small, thin piece of cloth is going to make it impossible for you to lift things, you probably aren't very strong, yet it seems to be the people who are already strong who wear those.
Now the douchebags are one issue, the douchees are the other. Some people like the idea of a gym as a place to meet people. Now there is one problem, and that is that there are three kind of girls that go to the gym:
A) Fat (and actually fat, not just "fat" in the overreactive way of like every non-skinny non-fat girl describing herself) chicks.
B) Buff and/or otherwise ugly, but not fat, chicks.
C) Intimidating chicks.
Now class C is the only one worth pursuing because I haven't transcended the "aesthetic phase" as that Swedish or whatever he is motherfucker Soren Kierkegaard would say, I'll be damned if I'm gonna spell his name with a line through the o, you can get a line through the o when we adopt your Scandanavian language but while we speak English we're spelling your namei in English, asshole. Anyway, even them, they may risk getting less attractive by overworking themselves and either downsizing parts that should not be downsized or inappropriately upsizing their muscles. But regardless, any attempt is useless because people who are not only more attractive but also more likely to have the necessary fakery and non-self-conciousness will get to her first, or if not first more sucessfully. So the bottom line is that the gym is far from a good place to meet people, as it is intimidating and filled with competition.
But anyway, back to this "home away from home" thing. One thing that makes it a "home" is that you have patronizing parents there, by the name of "personal trainers." These people are friendly and outgoing, and make you want to vomit. While they are not to blame for their asshole job, they are nonetheless there, so the fact that it is not their fault does not do much to redeem the gym.
Another thing that the gym has is showers, in case you don't want to take your shower at home, where you not only have privacy but also all your clothes. While it is true that not everybody has a shower or a home, everybody who pays for a gym membership should have both. However, taking a shower at the gym, besides allowing gay people to look at other men naked, allows stupid people to feel like they are spending more time at the gym, and getting ready to go to the gym, without actually doing exercise, and also makes them feel like they need a "gym bag" so that they can show everybody that they go to the gym, and drink vitamin water, which is basically a product consisting of one one hundredth of a three dollar jar of daily mutliples and a bunch of zero dollar stuff known as water, with an apparently two dollar fifty cent plastic bottle. That stuff is awesome.
Anyway, that's the gym for you, good thing they don't have that shit at college, Happy New Years.

Oh by the way, when I wrote and published this New Year's Eve was "tomorrow." The day doesn't change at midnight in terms of normal people. When it's past 12, don't say "today" to refer to "tomorrow." The day changes at sleep, and if you don't sleep, you are not only killing yourself and day starts at sunrise. Official time is really arbitrary.

Next intsallment: more on applying, including the "common app" and "early decision", and also "hearing from colleges" "picking a school" and "orientation week".

After considering these factors, forget them all and just go with your gut.
Now that you know where you want to go,
Schools offer something called early decision, which allows you to avoid applying to other colleges. This is useful because it saves time and effort, and prevents the bankrollers of your operation, your parents, from second guessing your choice. There is also something called early action, which is basically the same thing except less useful, because you will still have to apply to schools on the off chance that you change your mind, but you can use it if you don't know where you want to go.
Fact: The previous paragraph contained no jokes.
There is also something called rolling admissions, which is a way for overachievers to apply earlier to schools than necessary. This is nice because it allows you to "relieve stress," to use the douchebag term that is all over magazines in the dentist's office waiting room, and cartons of tea. If you often feel stress, it is a scientific certainty that you will die at age 34. Do not "stress" over this, however: if you live to be 34 you lived longer than Jesus, who was well-documented to be a sucker. It is equally well documented that people who say they feel "stessed-out" are douchebags. I hate them.
Another way to save time at the expense of schools finding out what they want is the Common Application, which apparently now is available at schools people are applying to. These are the advantages of the common application:
A) If you apply early to a school and don't get in, you are stuck with that essay.
B) It doesn't prevent schools from requiring a bunch of shit, because they ask for "supplements"
C) It makes it easier for people to teach specific essays.
This is why the Common Application is known as "The Breakfast of Champions" Kurt Vonnegut was paid $175,000 by General Mills for the naming rights to one of his novels. He is a sellout.
But speaking of doing essays, that is something that is necessary to do in order to apply to college.
A common topic is this: Why are you so fucking great?
This is easier to answer if you have no soul or suck your own cock on a regular basis. In this case, instead of jizzing out a new essay, you can vomit your own jizz onto the paper and hope that a nice self-appreciating paper shows up on it.
However, if this is not the case, then this will be the most painful part of the writing process; every time you say something good about yourself, you will feel like stabbing yourself in the arm. You can usually resist this urge, but just to be safe it is reccommended to not have a knife in your hand while you are writing your essay, though this is of course the most common way to write essays.
Another part of the form is the extracurricular activites. "Extra curricular" means either "much more circular than normal" or "not part of the curriculum" so technically anything you can do, including jacking off and eating, could be listed here. However, an important detail is missing. The activitiies must be bullshit. Well, hopefully you will not engage in any bullshit activities, but most activities listed in this section are bullshit, that is basically done for the purpose of getting into college. Other things done for the purpose of getting into college are sabotage and admissions officers.
Besides the essay, some facts, some short questions that are hard to get wrong, and the extracurriculars, there is one last part of applying to college: the interview...
Coming up next...Interview, "after you apply", and a breakdown of college life

District

of Columbia.

"Retrospective Essay"

The first semester of college, it seems, is like most things in the world: it's bullshit.
But what manner of bullshit is it, that is the real question? Since everything is bullshit, it's sometimes hard to tell the difference between all the different types of bullshit, with various smells and contents, so I will lay down the various steps to the entire "college process" as I best understand them. I will try to not make this one redundant with the college guide already available on this website, so after I discuss being in college I will switch to the first person, as the general ideas have already been well explained.

However, because I am getting tired, I only have part 1: Getting there.

Looking at Colleges
You will go around looking at places to go to college based on things you've heard. This process is very unsubstantiated. There are two things you can do. First, you can go stay with a friend, and based on a combination of the people they happen to know, what they happen to be doing at the time that you visit, and how intoxicated you are, decide how you like it.
Or, you can do an "official college visit." You go to visit the campus, based on the assumption that from walking around it you can gain the "feel" of the place, and that you should perhaps judge lots of things based on how "pretty" the campus is, and what sort of generalizations you draw from the students. It is not entirely necessary for a college to be there, actually, you can pretty much go to any place with nice buildings and/or trees, and young people, and look at those things. While you are looking at things, you can hear people say things that are in booklets and books and online on their website, but they say the things so you don't have to read them.

Application

After looking at colleges, you can choose one to apply to.
First, think about where you want to live.
There are the following environments:
1) Inside a city.
2) Outside a city.
These can be futher narrowed down into:
1a) Buildings interspersed throughout a part of the city
1a)(i) Buildings interspersed throughout a cool part of the city
1a)(iI) Buildings interspersed throughout a lame part of the city
1b) A bullshit campus
1b)(i)A bullshit campus in the downtown area
1b)(ii)A bullshit campus in the non-downtown area.
2a) Way the fuck out in the middle of nowhere.
2b) "Just outside" a city
2b)(i) Somewhat near a city, claiming to be inside it.
2b)(ii) Somewhat near a city, not claiming to be inside it.
2c) In a "college town"
Next, decide the region that you want to live in, in order of popularity:
1) The "Ol' Traditional" Northeast.
2) The "Wack-Ass" West Coast
3) The "What Can I Say" Midwest
4) The "Too Close to Home" Mid-Atlantic
5) The "I Can't Stand A Place Where People's Politics Are Different" South
6) The "Really Wet" Gulf Coast
7) The "Buffalos Roam" Mountain States
8) "Don't Mess With" Texas
9) The "Nice Landscapes" Southwest
10) The MOTHERFUCKING RUST BELT (also will be part of 3)
Get some graph paper, and plot this location on a coordinate plane: for example, The University of Maryland would be (2bii, 4). Do this for every school you are considering. Connect the dots for a picture of Abraham Lincoln, and sell your "connect-a-dot" map to the Mini Page.
Here is where you will probably live: in a dorm.
Then, start doing applications. Here are some hints.
a) Bitch about how much applying sucks.
b) "Sell yourself" by somehow writing about how great you are. Note: This is impossible unless you are a complete douchebag or highly motivated or something.
c) Try to remember every obscure thing you did, and write it down on a piece of paper, and call it a fancy foreign word that isn't pronounced "resume".
d) Masturbate onto printer paper in the hopes that you will jizz a good college essay.

Next intsallment: more on applying, including the "common app" and "early decision", and also "hearing from colleges" "picking a school" and "orientation week".

Isn't it Grand?

It is exciting times in college, the first time we are actually blowing through significant portions of our life, this is serious dying going on, this is the first time we are dying for real, not only with the passage of time but with our eating and drinking and smoking, but as bad as we end up, it will be pretty much how businessmen in Tokyo live, in a little coffin, well they bury them alive might as well in their work, they're living zombies and no wonder they have to get off on kinky porn and giant meaningless lights and karaoke, this is a misinformed view of Tokyo, but then again when Tokyo on Acid: The Mission takes place, killing the participant unless he tries very hard to survive, which he will do out of sheer fear of death, then he will have in fact made himself more alive with this struggle, and also be scared out of his mind and rendered crazy, Tokyo is a place of life and death, firebombings in Tokyo supposedly killed more people than Hiroshima but that's bullshit trendy shit to say, it's trendy to say radiation didn't kill but it killed enough to put it over a candy bar, a One Hundred Grand that is, well over, and Hiroshima itself says it's like half a million which may be too much but it's not just psychological, Hiroshima bomb did kill over a hundred thousand people, how's that for a height comparison, I wonder what would happen if some robot plane hit a building in Tokyo, would the Nagasaki and Hiroshima surivors call them pussies?

I won't ever get Japan fully, but that kind of honest observation isn't welcome here, here it's hate speech, people can't differentiate, gotta speak on cultural divides don't have to hate based on them, the more significant cultural divide, however, is with people, fucking people, I can't be like most of them, not that I'd want to be but it seems weird all the same, especially when I like all people, though I hate them also.

Yeah but it's all so good nonetheless, very good, and that it is good is for serious.

You can't prove a negative but sometimes you can't say a positive.

Rugged Man the RA

R.A. The Rugged Man, the crazy white rapper who steals hats, should become a resident assistant because of his initials. He would scare those troublemakers and take no shit.

"So, when it says 9-11 minutes"

Here are the minutes on 9-11

Plane crashed into building.
Building caught on fire.
Plane crashed into other building.
Other building caught on fire.
Plane crashed into geometrically-shaped building.
Geometrically shaped building caught on fire.
Building fell down, vertically straight down.
Other building fell down, in same manner.

Live From New York

Instead of living for it.

Holy Fucking Shit

Alfonso Soriano?

I Ain't No Uncle Tom

It's hard to tell how much of my criticism of sellouts and high-earners and true assholes and fakers is just slave morality because they're doing much better and I could get back on top if they acted like I said they should act.

But it's not, I don't think.

And besides, if I am a slave, I ain't gonna be no Uncle Tom and just say massa's right.
But I'm not a slave really.
They don't own me.
They just are better than me on their own terms.
It's not a good analogy, slave morality.
But it is the concept.

But I ain't no Uncle Tom, nor no Job neither. I don't got patience. But I'm also not John Brown. I don't got revolution sized balls, those are like watermelon sized balls, not that big.

I forgot where I was going with this.

All the way to the bank.

That's where they're going.

That's where they're laughing.

Something horrible...all the way to the bank.

The us/me v them philosophy really helps to antagonize people.

Jester didn't get any ads besides our WBAR connection on our first try, here is the new ad campaign:

Have you thought of advertising in the Jester?
No? Well that explains why your shower sprays tap water instead of glacier water, and your bathtub is filled with water instead of money - you don't have the business sense to grab a chance by the udders and milk that chance for all it's worth and churn the milk into CHEDDAR!
Well we'll spell it out for you: the Jester is that moocow, and the udder is the ad space we're selling, and the milk is the extra business, and the cheddar is the money you'll be making, and the crackers are the crackers that the money will be spread too with trickle down economics just like the milk trickles down your mother's chin except that it's semen instead of milk because she has to suck cocks to pay her mortgage because you don't have the business sense to make enough money to pay for her. Your mother's dead? Dirty slut that she is, she probably died of AIDS, and you could have afforded to buy her delicious AIDS cocktails with TOP SHELF TREATMENT LIQUORS if you had only had the business sense to be an investor in the Jester?
Why, you ask like an imbecile, is the Jester so great?
First, the Jester is a COLOMBIAN TRADITION, like cocaine. Did you see Scarface or the "Life of Rayful Edmond"? Because I want a copy of that movie because it's hard to find and I want like an idiot to see a "D.C. thing", and also coke is profitable, but the Jester is legal and so is EVEN MORE LUCRATIVE.
Second, the Jester is available for free to ANYONE IN THE WORLD who wants it. There are $6 billion people people in the world, and we only ask ONE billion for the ad, giving you a profit of SIX MINUS ONE billion dollars.
Third, the Jester NEEDS YOUR HELP. The Beatles said they liked to get high with a little help from their friends - if you are our friend, you can can get high on our supply of COLOMBIAN TRADITION!
So grab the udder, that quadruple long-titty/flaccid-phallus, and squeeze it for all it's worth, dairy farmer. The opportunity is ripe for the picking.

Well I had no idea it was gonna end up like that but it did.
Aight.
Good night.