Sumbitch!

Help My Mission

There are lots of products that have a name that is a changed form of a common word or saying - I think that for the food products that have these kind of names, they are amusing when considered in the context of the original word or saying. For example
"The proposal is outrageous. It would potentially allow terrorists access to top secret information"
could become
"The proposal is Nutrageous. It would potentially allow terrorists access to Pop Secret information."

To me, at least, the second version is hilarious.

Help me compile a database of ways to change things to food items in this way. Then when it is done I will transform homework readings and stuff.

First tier substitutions.
outrageous ---> NutRageous
top secret ---> Pop Secret

Second tier:
Captain X ---> Cap'n Crunch and Captain Firstname Lastname ---> Cap'n Firstname Crunch
"Cap'n Crunch of the fifty-sixth regiment expects more casualties"
"According to Cap'n James Crunch, recruiters have struggled to enlist enough new soldiers"
Count Dracula ---> Count Chocula
"In Transylvania, the legend of Count Chocula still invokes fear in many villagers"

Your contributions will be welcomed.

Extension on Nas Comment

Is there any other time when people who change an art form comment on their impact within the work? It is these old school "Western Canon" types only as far as I can think of. Give me some other examples; then I will go into an opium den and smoke lots of opium and dream up a weird postulation about it that has no real basis but sounds intellectual, and concerns floating elephants or whatever.

Nasir Jones

I was just thinking of something - there is obviously lots of bravado in rap, and some of it is undeserved, but Nas says in Illmatic "I'm taking rappers to a new plateau, through rap slow"
and in Stillmatic "name a rapper that I ain't influenced" and he isn't bullshitting at all, right?

So...

Illness
I was sick this weekend...it wasn't bad but I had to be on the ibuprofens all the time or else I felt bad. And I was weak, at about 2/3 strength, and probably at 85% speed though I did not run. But the weird thing is: I did not eat much food. I was on, like, 1500 calories a day, and not of low calorie food for the most part. It was really weird to not be hungry.

Nourishment
What I found out was that even if it was not a physical need as much, I was still always thinking about the foods. Food is what is on my mind - food is what will keep me alive, and food is what will kill me, and there's a lot of cheap food over here for good prices, not just good New York prices like these superior bastards always try to say. There's a delicious and giant pizza slice for $2.75, there's a sandwich here called the spicy special that is Cajun turkey, pepperjack, grilled onions, mayo for $3.50 cold or $4.00 grilled - and it's delicious. We got some tacos, that, if you are minorly hungry, will fill you up for 2.75 - we got a breakfast places with not only very cheap platters but also, during the day, delicious burgers for good prices, starting at two for the basic burger and going up to 4 for a bacon cheeseburger with cheese on both sides and three slices bacon. There's a place that's got ten really good chicken wings (actually fried like chicken) for 4.99 with a cheese dip that has the cheese floating in oil like a good dip should be. And keep in mind this area is not even the best priced area. Sure, you can get better prices outside New York, but chances are a lot of people aren't employing them anyway, so it's the ratio of mind to matter, mind with matter under it, as they say. I don't mind, it doesn't matter.

The torta I am discussing below is similar in appearance to this, minus the decorated plate.

My favorite thing at the moment, though, is a torta. Let me describe these tortas. They got this delicious mexican bread, to start with, but on this bread, on the bottom they have beans and cheese, stringy cheese with perfect texture, and on top, lettuce, tomato, onions, and some perfect jalapeno, just at the right balance between spicy and mild with a little sweetness, plus they got avocados on that, and then in the middle is the meat, you can get some really delicious chicken, but my favorite is the milanese, which is breaded and fried beef.

Pretentious Movie Idea
Someone should make a pretentious movie about a married couple in which the husband works for a free test prep company for underpriveleged kids, and his wife works for an expensive test prep company for rich kids - since test scores only have value relative to other scores, they are undoing each other's work. Eventually they end up having sex with the kids in their test prep course.

Tautological Sayings
For the record again I hate tautological sayings, ESPECIALLY "a rose is a rose is a rose," because that's not only pointless logically, but also horrible grammatically, and beyond that, it sets a precedent for sayings infinitely long; once you've gone to three, and gone outside any reasonable confines of logic or grammar, you might as well say "a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose"

Facebook
With the merger of the high school and college facebooks, facebook is getting further from its already tenous connection to purpose, and just becoming basically a redundant myspace deal. Yes, I know Flavor Flav has a myspace page, but myspace is still some shit. It's getting too big to deal with, yet, horribly, also too big to quit.

Here's some statements, and traslations:
"We decided to do this because so many people requested it, and we think it will help people keep up with more of their friends."
"We decided to do this because we calculated that it would increase the amount of money we had"

"Over the next couple of months we are going to make it easier to find and keep up with friends, even after they graduate. Stay tuned."
"Over a short amount of time, we are going to become more extensive, in order to make more money, and more like myspace."

"Mark"
"Mark ZUCKERBERG, money-grubbing Jew"

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MOTHERFUCKER BECK IS TRYING TO GET AWAY WITH?

This little bitch remixed an entire album, and I already know THREE SEPARATE PEOPLE who HAVE BOUGHT OR PLAN TO BUY this shit. An album of fucking remixes. Man one remix is bad enough, but you already have the whole fucking album. Come on, Beck. First, get a full name. Then stop selling the same album to people a second time. Isn't there already enough production on your tracks? No? How much fucking production do you need, Beck? The first one is called Geuro, and the second Guerolito. Maybe you should remix your album again and call it Guerolitolito. Maybe some people will buy it a third time. I can't fucking wait until Guerolitolitolitolitolitolito drops. That shit is gonna be hot. Yeah, it's gonna be fucking great.

DISCLAIMER: I did download the album, which is like paying a small amount for it for the amount of disk space it takes up. I downloaded it with the intention to see what the fuck he was doing, but then I realized it would just make that bastard happy.
Tell me if you are planning to buy it - there may be an alternative.

John Brown's Body

John Brown's Body: Better song than band?

I vote yes. I'm basing this on only hearing thirty seconds of one of their songs, though.

If you disagree, name one song by John Brown's Body that is as good as John Brown's Body, which I might add JOHN BROWN'S BODY DOES NOT EVEN PLAY! They do not play the SAME FUCKING SONG they are named after!

I will listen to it and maybe you will convert me.

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS???

This just in: there is also a band called "Dem Bones" - my guess is the same thing applies.

CAPITAL LETTERS

WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THOSE CAPITAL LETTERS? THEY ARE SO CLASSY BY THEMSELVES, BUT WHEN THERE ARE TOO MANY OF THEM IT JUST MAKES THEM HARD TO READ; THEORY: IT IS NOT JUST THAT OUR LANGUAGE IS DESIGNED FOR TELLING APART THE LETTERS, BUT THE LETTERS ARE DESIGNED SO THAT THE IMPORTANT ONES LOOK COOL AND THE UNIMPORTANT ONES DO NOT IMPEDE YOUR READING.

Well, Shit

Let me enumerate the things that piss me off right about now:
Never mind.

What I just realized is pretty much all the problems I have are about not being a "go-getter."

What is a go-getter?

A go-getter is, apparently, somebody who goes to get something - for example, if someone goes to get something at the store, they are a go-getter.

I had a dog, a labrador retreiver. He was a go getter. I would throw a stick into the water, and he would go get it. He was a good dog.

So "go-getters" are not bad. I remember two distinct times I was a go-getter. One ended in success and one in failure but mild hilarity.

The one that ended in success was when I wrote that one act for Wilson - I decided to do it the night before the auditions started, and then the next day gave the script to the producers. They said I couldn't do it, but I went in to the auditions and wrote it on one of the chalkboards and brought some scripts, and after a short discussion I was allowed to do it. The thing was't even in its final form yet, and was being rewritten as I did the casting.
Now this was uncharacteristic in that:
a) I usually not only take refusals as final, but take statements as refusals that aren't necessarily so.
b) I had an irratiional but persistent belief that I was going to succeed - usually I have an irrational but persistent belief that I will fail.
So I'm not sure what made this different. Maybe if I can find out, I can "unlock" the "keys" to "open the door" of "success" and having "unlocked" the "keys" then use the "keys" to "unlock" the "door" by "inserting the key" and "turning the key" and "pushing on the door" so that "the door opens" and then "walk in the room" of "success" and have a nice "room" that I can do stuff in and maybe there's already some "furniture" and a "TV" and maybe even a "refrigerator" with some "food and drinks," and at the very worst I can "sublet" the "room" for "money".

Now this time, not only the eventual success, but the process of doing this was fun. This is also uncharacteristic - usually I hate doing shit like that. But I am thinking about it, people who are go-getters aren't all just soulless boring assholes - though there are a lot of those that are go-getters. There are also the people who are cool like the Han Solo type motherfuckers, who are "go-getters". It's a different style.

I can only really be bold when there's no great benefit to me for doing so. I generally have no problem saying or doing things that amse me, but pretty much any time there's any direct benefit I can't do it. This is a seemingly self-destructive technique, which sounds pretty cool. Self-destruction is pretty cool I hear. Look, look, suicide. I sliced myself with a fucking axe. I chopped my ankle off. The pain relieves the numbness of life. It also really fucking hurts. It's hard to run on a stub leg. Fuck. This sucks.

As I have said before, suicide is for suckers. Why you wanna die? Living is better. It's about that simple. Even if your life sucks. If it does, just say "fuck it" and do what you want or something.

That said, even thogh people who commit suicide believe in foolish things like the idea that honor benefits you somehow after you're dead, or that shame is worse than death or other such nonsense, ways to commit suicide that are "cool" do exist, although anyone who tries to use them should note that there's zero benefit to being cool while dead.
The first is things that are really difficult and demonstrate skill.

Here's one: Jump off a building or bridge, with a noose around your neck, and a lasso at the other end - while in midair, throw the lasso so that it hooks around something and you get hanged at some very high speed, snapping your neck and leaving you swinging around wildly.

Two more examples:

Throw a long throwing knife very high in the air - look up towards the sky. The knife hits you directly between the eyes and goes all the way through to the brain stem. You need really good knife-throwing skills for this to work in terms of accuracy and the right spin, and a good arm to throw a knife so that it comes down with enough momentum to go through your skull all the way to the brain stem. You also have to hold your head at the correct angle to do it.

Rewire a Hawk antiaircraft missile to fire directly at some stationary target, on a timer system. Climb on board the missile, and when it launches, somehow manage to hold on despite its massive acceleration and the air resistance you encounter at its high speed, so that you die in a fiery explosion at Mach 2.4. Remember that not only do you need inhman ability to hold on to the missile, but you also need to be good at enough at physics to take into account the effect your own weight as well as the drag created by your body has on the missile well enough to hit the target accurately - these effects will increase as the missile continues to decrease in mass as it burns fuel.

So these are pretty badass - stupid, useless, but badass. I promise I will be impressed if anyone commits these kind of suicides, because they're not easy, and can't be done without great ability.

The other kind of suicide that are cool are ones that take great calmness and discipline, and intimidate people - example - the Chinese warriors who cut off their own heads to show how brave and obedient the army was in combat.

So yeah, I admit suicide can be cool, but know that this coolness is worthless.

My point is, I used to worry about being an asshole by being a go-getter, but I realize there are ways to be a "go-getter" that don't involve being the kind of asshole I don't want to be.

Fuck it all, or like most of it anyway

Back to the ol "fuck everything" sentiment that keeps starting to creep back and then rushing up when I notice it, too swiftly for me to do anything even if I see it coming. I kinda sort of saw it coming this time, I almost stopped it but here it is again. Fuck. You can't reason your way out of these things, you don't know enough to, because you can't stop the fact that in this state all unknowns evaluate to the worst case, and given the number of unknowns that is a lot of thinking things are bad; the fact that you know it's a matter of perception doesn't help the feeling, or even the conclusions; I am incapable of judging anything correctly right now.

I woke up at 8:45, due to hunger, but with a weird feeling that will prevent me from eating food, I don't feel like taking in food but I can't sleep with these hunger pangs, I watched the Arrrested Development I downloaded, and that was funny - the problem is that I can only have enjoyment while directly doing things fun - and you can't go around constantly having fun all day, and when you're not having fun, right now at least, things take over. Not only pessimism but anger at myself for acting like an idiot the past - the past is all anger, the future is all dim and shit.

This is sounding like what they call "depression" but I don't feel like a depressed person, or whatever. Fuck it. I don't know what I mean. What I mean is I don't think I'm "unhappy" even though I am right now, in general - and experientially, I don't really want to trade with anyone else. But still, right now, this all sucks. It will pass. Time murders everything, the saying goes, or should.

We're a bunch of forward looking motherfuckers, and when we finally get what we want, shit has nowhere to go but down. I mean fucking mortal existence. I hope I get as much as possible but then everything's fucking gone. That's why you can't look forward too much - it all goes to nothing. Everything is nothing in the end, and that's pretty fucking horrible, and that's pretty fucking immutable. As much as any problem seems bad, mortality is a bigger problem and unsolvable. I'd like to believe some bullshit about not dying or whatver else people say to make themselves feel good. "Death doesn't hurt" "You don't know you're dead" Yeah, I know, idiot. That kind of shit is like world scary, experience scary. Death is profoundly scary, scary by nature. Whole different level.

I think to some degree, a functioning human conciousness relies on blocking out things like mortality - a full perception of it would be too overwhelming to live with all the time - there are a lot of mechanisms for shutting it out if you need help, though. Religion, morality, apathy. Aldous Huxley writes about how the human mind naturally keeps some "doors to perception" closed. Alright, pointdexter, maybe they should stay closed, eh?

Don't try your bullshit on me, kids, and elders. Don't nobody try no bullshit.

This is one of those "free writing" things where I just write about how I was feeling and see where it goes. I go through a bunch of conclusions and they sound good when I'm making them. Then I come back and read stuff and I realize I am retarded - this is because I am retarded, that I go through this cycle so much. And also why I am posting this. To delete it when I am no longer feeling like a bastard.

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Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

fuckity fuck fuck fuck

Melanoma

I'm gonna go get some melanoma, so as to get to sleep. Gonna try that shit out. Better than the ol "Nyquil plan" would be, and hopefully more effective than the "glass of half and half" plan, although that one does allow me to feel smug about taking the free half-and-half for the coffee machine. There is also milk, but everyone knows half and half is more delicious. Of course, half-and-half is one of the most vague names ever. It could be half gasoline and half ammonia, and we'd have no right to complain. On second thought, I am just hearing, maybe that ambien, ambience, that might be the better ticket. Some of the asians here say that all of the asians never sleep - competitive advantage, but it sounds horrible. Evolution doesn't take happiness into account? No, it probably has nothing to do with that.

Well I was in the doldrums yesterday evening, the place you might know from The Phantom Tollbooth, and I managed to get out of it, by doing the "Inaugural Address" of my radio show, which was a lot of fun, I had one listener but it was just listening to music, and talking. It's the illusion of the audience that facilitates it - it wouldn't work to just sit in a chair and talk. Played a sort of bullshit, but fun, show, started out with Ghostface who is the third-most-played artist on the show. But anyway, it felt good, and then was followed by trying to sleep until 5:45.

Today, I got a triumvirate of good news bears, though.

First, I was checking Wu-Tang tour dates, and I saw the GZA is doing his own show at the BB King the week after the Wu Show. Even better, tickets are only $19.50, which is a bargain for seeing a Genius in action. Nothing like the Clan to hang your problems. Two Wu shows in eight days is pretty fucking good.
I'm thinking of doing what Saul suggested next year for WBAR, as I don't have as broad a range of music posessions and knowledge as is necessary for a good "real" show, doing a Wu-Tang show. I could include affiliates and people who worked with them (Nas, MF Doom) so as to variety it up enough. Problem is, have grown up in NW, do not know enough about what they are talking about to talk, so I would have to shut up and play music a lot more. But on the other hand I could play clips from Kung-Fu movies and stuff. Who knows. Just an idea.

Ok, so next after this, there is, in the dining hall, some southern cooking. Yams, biscuits, fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, catfish nuggets, fried okra. Got some root beer, and sweet tea. And they didn't fuck it up so bad like they usually do for food.

When I get back, I started wondering when baseball season starts, and, "Lo and Behold", as they say, what is this? The Nationals open their season here in New York. Opening tickets are a ripoff though, so I might go for the Thursday game instead, but anyway, I will go to at least one game, show those New Yorkers some DC pride.
Also on the Nationals front: the lease was approved! Hopefully we can get an owner now, and maybe even a starting shortstop and a full rotation of pitchers.
Bad News Bears: My Nationals towel has been missing.

But other than that, things are looking up, maybe. Gotta go to the store to get some SKIN CANCER!

I Can't Sleep

Insomnia is some bullshit, but the real culprit is my late clases, and the sleep patterns I've fallen into. Not being able to sleep, when it's past four, is ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous.
What is also ridiculous is this Hewitt dining hall at Barnard. Now there is better food there, but they patronize you - you can't serve the food to yourself, you have to ask for what you want, and if you want two of what they consider an entree, they repeat themselves and say "[side 1], [side 2], or [side 3]" but angrily.

Let me tell you why I am mad about this: a few days ago I was in there, and they had fried catfish and they also had roast chicken, and I could only get one (small portions for each, by the way). Well I went for the catfish, and then they asked me what side I wanted. I got some refried beans even though nobody eats refried beans with catfish, because the other shit was worse, and didn't eat them. There was another thing next to the sides, some stewed portabellos and zuchinnis.
Well I like portabellos and zuchinnis, and I asked if perhaps I could get some. The woman angrily said "[crusty] rice, beans, or [some nasty shit]." Then I said "beans, but can I also get some of those zuchinnis?" because the zuchinnis were more common in the mixture than the portebellos, I used that shorthand. I suppose in retrospect "zuchinnis" was the wrong word because it was only pieces of zuchinnis, and I would not have received multiple zuchinnis, same deal for the portabellos.
Anyway I couldn't get them because they were apparently the "vegetarian entree" and so I was pretty mad because fuck that one entree bullshit, I'm a man with a (meal) plan, and vegetables ain't no entree I ever heard of, so I said "so if I come back in line and hide my plate and wear a greenpeace suit and some shit can I get some vegetables?" and the woman just looked angry. It was pretty stupid to say, but I was mad, and I couldn't think of anything clever to say, and so I ended up with that lame stupid shit.
Anyway the same vegetables were at this other place by the salad bar anyway, so I got them. And the catfish was very good, and I also got a sammich because the sandwich people don't care if you already have an entree.
NOW HERE'S THE POINT
I mean, people in college are adults, by law. They are supposed to learn indepenence. Now when someone's trying to act like your mother it doesn't help that. Not only is it insulting, it slows things down and is inefficient. They never come close to running out of food there anyway.
It's only my problem like once a week, but at Barnard, they have to deal with that shit every day, and these are supposed to be "strong Barnard women," which is not what they are going to become if they are treated like babies. Now women being strong is probably not altogether a good thing, and as the popular "joke" goes "in general, Barnard girls are bisexual and fat," but sometimes even women need freedom. And if they don't care, at least give freedom to the men who come into the dining hall every once in a while.
Fucking nazis. Except the dude there who looks kind of like the ODB. He's cool.
But seriously. Ain't no reason you shouldn't be allowed to get catfish, chicken, portabellos, and zuchinnis, all of them. It's a fucking meal plan.