Sumbitch!

Yuppie Study

I just lost $240+, along with a driver's license and college ID today, to my job. To recover from this, I am going to need to get money.

To get money, one must study those who make money. In modern America, the yuppie is humanity's most efficient money-making machine available in large quantities - it is the yuppie I must study: the more I know, the more I can figure out how to emulate them.

Therefore I am comissioning a study of the yuppie. Anyone who provides information will receive not only a small cash reward, but also free access to my final written analysis. Participation is fun and easy - you can study yuppies while you work, while you eat, while you move around the city, or even at your family dinner table if you have yuppies in the family. If you are romantically involved with a yuppie, you can study them while you participate in sexual intercourse!

If you wish to assist in the study here is what to do:
Contact me to get a code name and some manila folders.
Carry a notebook around. This notebook must be labeled with something like "Project Deltoid" and, if possible, stamped with "classified" stamps or the like.
When you see a yuppie, take notes on their behavior, including a physical description, activities, and any words overheard.
Preferrably, wear dark sunglasses while taking notes.
If you have a camera, take pictures of the subjects. Use the largest camera possible.
Contact me when you have compiled about a week's worth of notes, divide the notes by subject (even if it is only a few notes on each yuppie), and, if possible, place a (preferably black and white) picture of the subject in the folder along with the notes. Contact me to drop off the folder .
SUNGLASSES AND HAT (WIDE BRIM RECOMMENDED) ARE REQUIRED FOR ALL DROPS.

Tryna Get Some Collareds

My job requires me to wear collared shirts.
Now, the problem with this is that I have two collared shirts. I have a grayish-bluish button-down shirt and a Texas Longhorns burnt orange polo shirt. Normally having two shirts would not be a problem: I would just switch off between them. Yesterday, however, I was caught ridin' dirty with a shirt. Now, how my shirt not gonna be dirty if I gotta wear it every day? But they were not happy, and then my problems were compounded when my shirt ripped.

So the sad truth is I am going to have to buy some collared shirts:

Let me explain something about my money spending habits:
I refuse to spend money on, to my recollection, only two products:

The first is bottled water. I refuse to spend money on it because water is free, and it is first because listing it first allows me to get back to my point.

The second product is clothing. Part of the reason I don't buy clothing is habit: my parents have always bought my clothes, and I have gotten clothing as gifts and giveaways, so I see no reason why I should need to buy it for myself. I believe that people should be clothed, and some day I will need to buy clothing because my old clothing will shrink or fall apart. But that day, that day has not yet come, and when it does, GOD HELP US ALL. The bastard could help us earlier, too, but he won't, the ol' bastard.

Anyway, other than habit, it's just the impracticality of it. What you get from having more clothes? You can get all the protection and non-nudity from the ones you have already.

What makes buying clothes even worse is that you have to try them on. Shiiiiiiiiiiit. This is not only time-taking-up, but it's not fun. I'll try out a car: driving is fun. Wearing clothes is not fun. If wearing clothes was fun, well then life would be a fucking fun festival of fantasticality and alliteration, would it not? But no, wearing clothes is not fun. And changing clothes is a bitch. What's worse is, you might have to change clothes like four, six, times in one trip. Damn. That is some shit. That's where the great invention of the NUMERIC SIZING SYSTEM comes into play:

THE NUMERIC SYSTEM: The numeric system of sizing clothes is great because it allows you to not try them on, and just get more clothes by choosing the ones with the same numbers as the ones you already have. This works for pants. For shirts, you go with THE FOUR LETTER SYSTEM, in which there are three basic letters, two of which can be modified by adding the letter X any number of times. Anyway, under this system, clothes-buying is the same.

Well, anyway, I must either compromise my ideals and purchase some clothing (hopefully at a thrift store - Georgia Avenue Thrift is the only one I know but there's probably a better one) or I must solicit donations, or I must steal clothing.

But my point is, if you get a green collared shirt, and you spill tabasco on it, and your boss gets mad, you can be like, "but I always have tabasco on my collard greens!"