Therefore I am comissioning a study of the yuppie. Anyone who provides information will receive not only a small cash reward, but also free access to my final written analysis. Participation is fun and easy - you can study yuppies while you work, while you eat, while you move around the city, or even at your family dinner table if you have yuppies in the family. If you are romantically involved with a yuppie, you can study them while you participate in sexual intercourse!

If you wish to assist in the study here is what to do:
Contact me to get a code name and some manila folders.
Carry a notebook around. This notebook must be labeled with something like "Project Deltoid" and, if possible, stamped with "classified" stamps or the like.
When you see a yuppie, take notes on their behavior, including a physical description, activities, and any words overheard.
Preferrably, wear dark sunglasses while taking notes.
If you have a camera, take pictures of the subjects. Use the largest camera possible.
Contact me when you have compiled about a week's worth of notes, divide the notes by subject (even if it is only a few notes on each yuppie), and, if possible, place a (preferably black and white) picture of the subject in the folder along with the notes. Contact me to drop off the folder .
SUNGLASSES AND HAT (WIDE BRIM RECOMMENDED) ARE REQUIRED FOR ALL DROPS.

My job requires me to wear collared shirts.
Now, the problem with this is that I have two collared shirts. I have a grayish-bluish button-down shirt and a Texas Longhorns burnt orange polo shirt. Normally having two shirts would not be a problem: I would just switch off between them. Yesterday, however, I was caught ridin' dirty with a shirt. Now, how my shirt not gonna be dirty if I gotta wear it every day? But they were not happy, and then my problems were compounded when my shirt ripped.

So the sad truth is I am going to have to buy some collared shirts:

Let me explain something about my money spending habits:
I refuse to spend money on, to my recollection, only two products:

The first is bottled water. I refuse to spend money on it because water is free, and it is first because listing it first allows me to get back to my point.

The second product is clothing. Part of the reason I don't buy clothing is habit: my parents have always bought my clothes, and I have gotten clothing as gifts and giveaways, so I see no reason why I should need to buy it for myself. I believe that people should be clothed, and some day I will need to buy clothing because my old clothing will shrink or fall apart. But that day, that day has not yet come, and when it does, GOD HELP US ALL. The bastard could help us earlier, too, but he won't, the ol' bastard.

Anyway, other than habit, it's just the impracticality of it. What you get from having more clothes? You can get all the protection and non-nudity from the ones you have already.

What makes buying clothes even worse is that you have to try them on. Shiiiiiiiiiiit. This is not only time-taking-up, but it's not fun. I'll try out a car: driving is fun. Wearing clothes is not fun. If wearing clothes was fun, well then life would be a fucking fun festival of fantasticality and alliteration, would it not? But no, wearing clothes is not fun. And changing clothes is a bitch. What's worse is, you might have to change clothes like four, six, times in one trip. Damn. That is some shit. That's where the great invention of the NUMERIC SIZING SYSTEM comes into play:

THE NUMERIC SYSTEM: The numeric system of sizing clothes is great because it allows you to not try them on, and just get more clothes by choosing the ones with the same numbers as the ones you already have. This works for pants. For shirts, you go with THE FOUR LETTER SYSTEM, in which there are three basic letters, two of which can be modified by adding the letter X any number of times. Anyway, under this system, clothes-buying is the same.

Well, anyway, I must either compromise my ideals and purchase some clothing (hopefully at a thrift store - Georgia Avenue Thrift is the only one I know but there's probably a better one) or I must solicit donations, or I must steal clothing.

But my point is, if you get a green collared shirt, and you spill tabasco on it, and your boss gets mad, you can be like, "but I always have tabasco on my collard greens!"

I found this out when I went up to a Coke machine, pressed the button for Coke to make sure it wasn't sold out, saw that it was not, put in a dollar ("un dolar") and then another dollar because it required more than a dollar for a 20 oz Coke (unreasonable) and the change slot wasn't working well (shoddy) and then put in another dollar ("un otra dolar"). Then when I pressed the button for coke it said it was sold out. So I had to settle for Diet Dr. Pepper (the demographics rarely intersect for Diet and the Doc, I'd expect, so why was it even in there - the lack of Dr. Pepper around here is a subject for an editorial).

Anyway, I went to see this event, because I liked the idea of people working very diligently and quietly being surprised by a fucking marching band walking by and playing music. I was going mainly for the reactions. I wondered why they advertised it so heavily though, as that would seem to ruin the fun of it.

Here's why: THEY DON'T MARCH THROUGH THE FUCKING PLACE AT ALL. THEY JUST STAY IN ONE PLACE. IT IS ONE LITTLE ROOM, WITH HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE THERE TO WATCH, AND FUCKING SECURITY GUARDS so that people who are working have plenty of warning. Yeah, they say some funny things, but they do not march through the fucking mortubrary like they're supposed to.

Orgo night: a truly boring experience.

On the other hand, look how you can use the "or" sound and the sound of the root of the word "boring" to emphasize how boring things are:

Rabbi: Son, to become a man, you must study the Torah.
Kid: More like the BORAH!
Rabbi: Oy gavult.

Spanish teacher: Hoy estudiamos el pais de Portugal.
Kid: [upside down exclamation point] Mas como BORTUGAL!
Spanish teacher:[upside down exclamation point] Hay que cosa!

Sex education teacher: Today, class, we're going to have an orgy.
Kid: More like a BORGY!
Sex education teacher: Well nut in my ovaries!

Chemistry teacher: And the fifth element is boron.
Kid: More like BORON!
Chemistry teacher: More like you're a fucking moron!
Kid: I'm telling my mommy!

You get the idea...

Correction: it should be portuguesa/bortuguesa if I remember correctly.
Recorrection: no, that's the language. I think.
Final correction: I tried to find out for real, but google translate won't translate. So fuck it. Whatever. I don't care. Dude, nevermind. It is or it isn't.

There's a fucking Jamba Juice moving into Columbia next year at one of the dining halls. It should be destroyed. But because lots of people take words too harshly, let's be clear on what I'm saying:

I'm not saying I wouldn't be happy if the Jamba Juice were burned to the ground. I am saying I would be happy if the Jamba Juice were burned to the ground.

"It's not a Jamba Juice, Michael. It can't be that hard to break into"

I have hated Jamba Juice for a long time. Here is the first time my hatred came into play

My first weekend in college this girl who's a vapid pseudo-intellectual theatrical person suggested to the people hanging out on our floor that we should go to do something in New York. Well since this in theory is a good idea, and because she was attractive and that was all I knew about her, I was thinking that this was a good idea. So where we ended up going was a motherfucking Jamba Juice in Times Square. I immediately became disillusioned with this girl (100%) Times Square (98%), this college (50%), this city (50%), and this world (50%). That is how much Jamba Juice can influence my feelings towards things. So as relates to the Sopranos, I now respect Tony a whole let less after selling out to Jamba Juice than I did when I thought he wasn't going to sell out. What a fucking bastard.

So this episode has inspired me: I'm gonna burn the motherfuckers down. Misguided as it may be, I wish I would actually do it. Every Jamba Juice, Starbucks, Cosi, even the smaller chains in the same spirit, each and every Ollie's, Greenberry's, Caribou Coffee, up in flames, down in ashes. I really wish it would happen. They say you can't stop market forces. Well if one of the market forces is every one one of these bullshit sanitized yuppie chains gets burned to the ground while other stores don't, then the market will dictate that you should build the stores that you don't have to constantly pay to rebuild.

Oh, they'll get the last laugh. But really it's not just me that loses, it's everything I believe in.

Now when I read this, I thought sweeeeeeeeeeet.

Armed with this information, you can warn your wife or girlfriend that if they cheat on you, and you care enough, you can kill them and take the jail time. Also, they are less likely to try to stop you by killing you, because they know they are going to get 15 years.

Thanks, Take Back the Night.

Bout to do a John Brown research paper.
Unless it's not within the time period.

Coming soon...Robot in College The Movie.
Really?
Maybe.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monday, March 13 - Baltimore(BWI) to Austin(AUS)

Flight 2612
Depart Baltimore(BWI) at 08:15 AM and
arrive in Austin(AUS) at 11:15 AM

Wednesday, March 15 - Austin(AUS) to Baltimore(BWI)

Flight 207
Depart Austin(AUS) at 03:15 PM and
arrive in Baltimore(BWI) at 07:15 PM
..............................................................................................................
Return Reservation Number: 017-R0319dc
Return Date of Travel: Sunday, March 19th 2006
Return City: Washington, DC
Return Time & Place: Tenleytown, AU, 4520 40th St. NW @ 5:00 pm*
*(Between Brandywine St NW & Albemarle St NW (Corner Albemarle St. NW) Opposite Hollywood Video.
Metro: Tenleytown Station AU, Red Line*)

SPRING BREAK!!!

Maybe I should watch that show on MTV in which teenagers whose break is somehow not ruined by being ordered to do things and listen to MTV's music seemingly enjoy MTV festivities.