I’m reaching deep and all I’m finding is a lazy boy who isn’t sure of much and realizing that there’s nothing unique in that. The whole leaving home, leaving DC, leaving friends thing is hitting me like Guinness apparently hits you; like fifteen minutes later, it hits you like running into a wall while your head was turned because you were checking out the fruit stand girl in her soccer shorts, and then there’s a wall in my face and my nose is flattened, my teeth splinter and I spill my milkshake. Its possibly the worst nosebleed ever. It was a pretty good milk shake, it was a chocolate milk shake made with chocolate ice cream, not vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup, when I say chocolate, I don’t mean something that has chocolate syrup in it, I mean rich fucking chocolate, and that’s what I got but I also just walked in to a wall. In a fit of worthlessness a couple nights before I left for Europe with the fellas, I composed a rant inspired around the idea of [me] being as valuable [to the world] as kick ass t-shirt (Gunther Presents Ladder Mania?) because it seemed in a world of lovers and solid meaningful friendships, that all I had going for myself could be put in the same box as an expressionless purple gorilla promoting Werner ladders, it’s a yellow t-shirt, I think it’s a 50/50 blend, its an extra-large. I found it at a Goodwill with my dad. That’s what I do, I go to various thrift stores with my dad, I enjoy the activity, it works out well for both of us, I can look for funny/comfortable t-shirts and cheap records and my dad can find navy blue button down shirts that he’ll never button the top two or three buttons of and he can find random shit in the toy section that “could be a rocket”. There I am with my dad at the Goodwill, he asks if I think that shirt will fit me, my self esteem shrivels, I quit shirts and go to the records. They’re on the bottom shelf below the books, so I have to get down to brose, bend over and wonder if the crack of my ass is visible, and if it is who is looking and why or I get on my knees like a machine-tanned, strung out girl in porn poses for the money shot, rather I’m just looking for records. I’ve had some good luck at that Goodwill, got ‘Combat Rock’, ‘For Those About to Rock”, “Kind of Blue” for 15 cents each one day. I had good luck that day, I was wearing my Fort Reno shirt, I had a good time even though I lost my bet on whether it would sink or float. Something about self-worth. Well, it was stupid to think of it like that, but it was the easy way out, anyway, in this rant I repeatedly mention how I would “shave off my nose” so that I could actually truly believe in the apparent truths in the world regarding my own worth and role; cutting off my nose was meant to show important these truths were supposed to mean to me, the method of removal was to face the sidewalk and grind that nose to nothing on the concrete. It was ridiculous and part of a longer absurd blog that was never published because it [I] was really fucking depressed, and there’s no room for unhappiness on the old BlogNo!!! We’ll shoot the moon before tears eat up this here bandwidth. I talked about cutting off my nose so that I could truly believe in these eternal truths about [my] value and role in the world in so forth, it was too dramatic, too much bullshit for something not that important. It was a lot like one of those new Coke C2 commericals, yeah a lot of bullshit, stupid concept, well that’s me, a tepid, watered down sweet beverage. I never meant to publish the whole “Add it up to t-shirt/shave off my nose” piece, but I bring it up because while my mindset has become something different, something that tries to dance around or numb itself to that sad worthless side of everything I come back to the image of my own broken face when I referenced walking in to that wall, that realization about leaving, that wall that hits me and destroys my face. So lets get over that. Its about me leaving home, leaving family, DC, friends, scene, establishments, memories, highs, lows, burritos. So we’ll take one, and we’ll take eight. And we’ll see eachother Thanksgiving.
Posted by jruss at August 10, 2004 01:51 AMdamn fine entry-- twas about time.
i still have no idea where you were going with that 'shave off my nose' bit. couldn't you have just said 'unravel one of my nuts' or 'peeled off my skin'? i understand that your nuts can be unraveled, and isn't it the same general concept? why the nose?
Posted by: sw at August 10, 2004 09:31 PMJRUSSS. You write the best blogs ever. I'm going to miss you this school year bro.
Posted by: Ambrose at August 11, 2004 09:57 AM
don't fret.
alcoholism kills the pain.
and the nose bit was hilarious.
I'm going to watch Kaiju Big Battel.
There are seriously like four or five college-ruled sheets of the shaved off nose bit somewhere.
This was another one of those entries that was a lot fucking better the first time I wrote it, but my foot slipped in to the power switch, so in this quicker rehash we lost a detailed Violent Femmes homage, something about blowjobs, and haiku about baklava in heaven.
Posted by: JRuss at August 11, 2004 05:10 PMYou shaved???! You pussy. I might as well just call you JD # 2.
I like the entry brotha. Sure beats watching Garden State, or listening to new TBS, decade under the influence is pretty emotional.
Posted by: GRB at August 11, 2004 05:25 PMwell, my sense of humor is still intact because i still laugh like crazy whenever i hear "Hey guys! It's me-- Leonard!!!"
Posted by: Yeah, I'm Still Alive at August 11, 2004 07:08 PM Merced 99 [12:18 AM]: have you read jruss's blog?
Ihavegodinacage [12:18 AM]: yes
Merced 99 [12:18 AM]: it's unbelievable
Ihavegodinacage [12:18 AM]: yes it is
Merced 99 [12:18 AM]: he nicely really distills the angst I feel at leaving D.C.---my elbow is numb
Ihavegodinacage [12:18 AM]: that's an amazing blog, I wish it was updated with a full entry more frequently
Ihavegodinacage [12:19 AM]: It has the best writing on the site when it's in action
Merced 99 [12:19 AM]: leaving out the chaff----yeah, jruss has potential like whoa
SW, "shave off my nose" is much more original, interesting, and fun to think about than anything involving testicles could be - let it go.
Great entry, JRuss. This, by the way, is why I can't do reflective entries on my blog - this makes them look bad.
I think comparing yourself to C2 is indulging your anti-ego too much, come on man, you're one of the naturally funniest people anywhere and you know it, you're also a great writer and you know that, and don't pretend you don't know that most people who know you really like you and you're one of the most standout inviduals of this current wilson generation so don't bullshit that you think you're worthless, that kind of bullshit represents more of a lack of ego than you have, don't try fishing for these compliments because all though I guess you got them I'm telling you not to at the same time yeah whatever.
And because I'm not a fan of compliments and feel the need to balance praise with criticism, the eternal truths part was pretty much vague and confusing.
Posted by: DHI at August 12, 2004 12:36 AMThanks for the praise Discoe, it means a lot, but I wasn't fishing for compliments, and if SWest can tell you one thing, its that JRussell don't take compliments well for shit, but I really want to get beyond that whole hoodoo circus, because it seems like we're all decent writers and there's more delicious fish bread and broil.
But the thing to comment on is the fucking WILL DWYER COMMENT! Fuck yeah Will. I saw yr letter to Octo G. It made my day "you fucking dumbass", that's fantastic man.
Posted by: JRuss at August 13, 2004 01:00 AMI'm not saying you were fishing for compliments, just that you were sort of requiring them to be made whether you like it or not. Never mind, I'm not good at explaining it.
Posted by: DHI at August 13, 2004 10:42 AMI'm not going to comment on this entry's numerous glaring flaws
Posted by: Lukas Manneun at August 15, 2004 01:42 PMKlaus, we all know I'm a person of many flaws.
Posted by: JRuss at August 15, 2004 07:41 PMthis is high qual
its been a long time. and i thought you lost it it but i see it was just hiding behind a box of t-shirts.
Posted by: vix at August 19, 2004 12:18 PMsorry I didn't get to say bye man. get yourself back here as quick as possible.
Posted by: dizardo at August 22, 2004 02:17 PMWest,
if you read this, "hit me up" with an e-mail at
william.dwyer@usma.edu, cause i want to talk to you about the Republican Nat'l Convention. I think I am gonna be getting special leave to go because I was picked to be a volunteer by the Republican Senatorial Committee. Anyway, hopefully we'll be able to get together in the city.
As for JRuss, I should be back in DC on the weekend of Sept. 10. If you will be in town, things should get really crazy. YEAH!!!
Whatever, excuse that idocy.
Talk to you guys later.
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