August 24, 2004
this ain't no metric nation
Oh man, look at me now. A college kid, a fucking dumbass college kid. I haven’t started classes yet; in one way I don’t want classes to start for a while because I kind of enjoy the purgatory I’m in now. So far all I’ve done is sleep a lot in my bed with the universal America college student extra-long sheets and fine ass fucking comforter. I think I sleep a lot because my room is quite cold, I think its set at 65 and I believe the cold makes you sleep a lot, you ever heard of an insomniac Eskimo? Thar you go. I’m basically eating two meals a day, one between 11 AM and 1 PM, the other between 6 PM and 8 PM. I’m still whittling down the best hours when the lines are short and well, when the prime poon is there. These college girls walk in determined intimidating packs. Fucking college students.
The first strangers I hung with were a group of students in my cell block or dorm phase or whatever the fuck they call it, a group that called me over from my path as I walking home alone to my dorm after seeing the Queers my first night in town. On that walk home I had feared that I wouldn’t talk to anybody my first night and that I would stay up watching Ren & Stimpy til I passed out in that really fucking comfortable blue chair with the rainbow dots. Oh man that chair is crucial. Think of the kind of large, soft chair with a wooden chassis that you’d expect in the “lounge” area or maybe in the quiet section of a well-funded New England public library, yeah, one of those. I’ve got one of those in my room, it’s a fucking chair. Since my roommate moved in a day after me, I wanted to steal that chair and put it my room from the living room in the suite and he’d be none the wiser. But I didn’t. I haven’t. Yet. So I was walking home from the Queers show contemplating my lack of friends in a town that I moved in to like six hours earlier, figuring maybe I should pull of John Lichman and start chain smoking and growing a beard, eventually fucking a Panda in the ass and writing a memoir about that includes several bum fight fantasies and so forth. But someone called out to me “Hey”. What the fuck, are they talking to me? I did the classic looksidetosidepointingmyfingertoseewhotheyarecallingtobecauseitcouldntfuckingbeme, but there was no one else and they called again “Yeah, you, come on over”. So I came on over, tripping on the little muddy hill between the sidewalk path and that part of prison. They asked where I was going as if I was supposed to meet them and was trying to avoid them. They invite me in for Jager-bombs (Jagermeister and red bull); nevertheless, I didn’t get a Jagger-bomb while I was there. Jagermeister seems like sham to me. I first heard about it because East Bay thrash bands like old, old Metallica, Megadeth, Nuclear Assault, and so on used to talk about how Jagermeister was so brutal and it created this whole meathead “CRUSH, KILL, DESTROY”-mentality, how it was strong and fiery, how it would make these denim-vest hessians beat up hippies, whip out their balls, and like piss on waitresses. With a preface like that I had to try that at some point, so when I was eleven or twelve, I gave a taste, it was of course, the official drink of Ozzfest 2000, you had to be twenty one to get a free shirt, so all I got were free condoms and dental dams. I was fourteen, Nissan Pavilion blows. Oh, yeah. Jagermeister. It’s not fire, its fucking puppy dog, old man with no teeth, licorice. I don’t like licorice and I can’t stand old men with no teeth. It was fire-breathing dragon blood, it didn’t make we want to smash tables over a hooker’s face, and when I was twelve, that’s all I wanted to do. That, and become an astronaut. According Michael Bay’s ‘Armageddon’, spacemen and scumbags were one of the same, things have never been different. So, Jagermeister is a sham. Lowlife metalheads adore, so do high school nerds-cum-college fratboys, but that ain’t me, oh it aint me, I aint no senator’s son. So they were drinking Red Bull and Jagermeister, I was eating cheese poofs out of one those giant plastic barrels. They ask where I’m from, I say DC. They tell me that’s where they’re from also. Oh yeah? Well, they’re Bolling Air Force dudes helping this girl move in. Do I know where Bolling Air Force Base is, they ask. I know what it is; that’s where sixth grade heart throb Katie Bopp lived. She had a government ID badge that she worn on a lanyard before it was cool to wear lanyards, popular rumor was that her dad was in prison and that was her pass to visit her dad in jail. That was during a time in elementary school when the only kid who knew a conjugal visit was; Danny Guilfoyle knew what one was but pronounced wrong. I wanted to bring up Katie Bopp to these dudes because I figure that you know, the Air Force dudes fuck the air force brats. Its presumed that Katie Bopp is involved with at least one large black man, these dudes were not black, well except for one. One dude was black, he reminded me of the likable Aaron Booze from Wilson, only this fellow was not as likable, not that he was unlikable, but he was no Aaron Booze I tell ya’. This black fellow was wearing a trucker hat with an embroidered patch bearing the logo of interstate(?) 295, with the word ENDS under it. They ask me if I’ve heard of a local group in the DC-area called 295-Ends. I tell them no. Bands with numbers in their name are generally not good, with a couple exceptions (7 Seconds, Five Maseratis, 1905, assorted ska super groups, Dave Hillyard and the Rocksteady 7). They performed for me, the girl whose suite it was, Casey, an asian dude named Steven who was remarkably eating a bowl of rice throughout the night, his woman and some other girl. So it was three preppy white dudes, and a black dude playing acoustic guitars and the black dude was playing electric bass. They played light Matchbox 20 pop music that wasn’t really my thing. I found myself in a situation that I didn’t want to ever find myself in, pretending to like a shitty acoustic pop group out of respect for the girl whose suite it was, a group of fucking soldiers decked in Abercrombie, agh, what the fuck am I doing here? I know why I was there. It was the barrel of cheese poofs, the king of cheese poofs, cold beverages, and someone to talk to. They played a song called ‘Smoke on the water’ that wasn’t the Deep Purple song; at that point I decided to leave. I mean, I was just at a Queers show, I had my socks rocked off from the Queers’ opener ‘She’s got no teeth’ to the highly appropriate ‘This place sucks’ to ‘Kicked out of the Webelos’ and a Screeching Weasel cover. I was set from that point in the evening. I walked to Seven Eleven and they were operating on the slurpee machine in the parking lot. It was like watching a small child suffer a massive head wound, the slurpee machine laid in the parking lot, leaking fluid, wires all over the place. I had to leave the site. I left that suite with the acoustic so-called rockers, and went back to my dorm, the girl Casey, who is indeed a very nice girl, has that Southern niceness, the “Where are you going with saying Hi to me?”-kind of niceness, she gave me her number but it’s a 757 area code and I’m not quite sure what a 757 number is, but I know I can only call 804 (Richmond) numbers from my dorm phone. So I have yet to call her.
I sleep a lot. It takes a teenage riot to get me out of bed. Two meals a day. Drink lots of water. I really enjoy walking around Richmond in the pleasant autumn-y weather. I walked down to Carytown and bought some records and headphones from Plan 9 Music, check it out if you’re ever down here, which you’ll never be. I got a Miles Davis Live at the Blackhawk in San Francisco and a Stan Getz live album with Austrud Gilberto and Jobim which rules. Today I went to a used book store called Chop Suey, got the Slaughterhouse Five for $3 and a book by Gus van Sant for $5. I’m going to see Defiance: Ohio tonight, one the few truly folk punk bands in existence, should be a good time. I’ve decided it be a good idea to not eat the French fries at the Cafeteria, not because they blow, but its just better for me to not eat a lot of French fries, onion rings are okay, French fries, only for special occasions. A day late and dollar short already.
very nice post. I have been in situations like that before, you are in a place where being social is so easy, and you are by yourself. What an odd occurrence, for these people to see a scenester and call him over. Keep the posts up.
No breakfast?
Posted by: dcohen at August 25, 2004 12:05 PMyou callin' me a scenester?
Posted by: JRuss at August 25, 2004 12:30 PM
you forgot to say you'd become a blogger and a film critic. need to do that before fucking the Panda in the ass and eating goldfish with midgets, son.
come the fuck on.
and expect a drunk call sometime around Saturday.
Dan Whitener is a fucking wimp.
Posted by: JRuss at August 25, 2004 03:27 PMI am eagerly awaiting future memoirs on your life. Because if you could write a book about your life and have it sound like this entry, I would be very proud to say that I knew you and didn't even need to know J.D. Salinger.
Posted by: Lindsay at August 25, 2004 03:56 PMtoo sweet, child.
Posted by: JRuss at August 25, 2004 06:38 PMI remember meeting J.D. Salinger once, he kicked me in the spleen and stole this branch of basil I had picked from some unsuspecting neighbor's front-yard garden.
Posted by: GRB at August 25, 2004 07:54 PMThat's a fallacy. JD Sallinger hasn't talked to a single person in our lifetime. Its the truth.
Posted by: JRuss at August 25, 2004 08:33 PMwait did some acoustic rock band call you over and make you come in their fucking dorm room and listen to their music? i can't imagine anything more awkward than that
Posted by: adsfd at August 27, 2004 01:11 AMInteresting. We smoked lots of pot my first day
Posted by: Lukas Manneun at August 27, 2004 03:25 AMReed's too expensive.
It sounds awesome.
I'm not rich nor am I smart enough to go there.
Posted by: JRuss at August 27, 2004 09:06 AMI also enjoyed your entry. Everyone here worships John Mayer and acoustic guitar playing "heart throbs."
Posted by: Alo at August 27, 2004 11:53 AMNick Drake?
Posted by: JRuss at August 27, 2004 02:52 PMYes. Nick Drake. I did some searching throughout Bloomington and found out that all the rock acts play at a club called "Uncle Festers." How has Richmond been otherwise?
Posted by: Alo at August 28, 2004 05:19 PMWhat's the deal with getting to college? You get there a few weeks before classes start and move in?
The cold is good for sleeping, it's really hard to get to sleep when it's warm and easy when it's cold, I think the most comfortable conditions for a human to be at (for sleeping) are when it's cold in the room but you have ample blanketing and such. I think the reason cold is easier to sleep is that your body doesn't have to use as much food when you sleep that way. Because that's what calories are: THINGS TO USE. Fucking dieters don't know what they're fighting against. With no calories you have no fuel, and even though you can go farther below the e than you think you still die out eventually. I'm gonna go eat what's in my freezer/fridge.
Posted by: DHI at August 28, 2004 11:36 PMyou move in a week before you start classes.....
i am on a weird diet now, it is true, no calories, no energy... although i naturally produce eNergy so I am still able to kick ass as normal.
Posted by: dcohen at August 30, 2004 10:18 PMat least you got 7-11s down there
Posted by: sw at August 31, 2004 02:16 AMthat shirt is, in fact, blue
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