In what was my first solo “holiday traveling” experience, I found myself stuck in the vast American strip mall oasis where car exhaust is their choice of hookah fruit. My train was delayed an hour or two, combined with my paranoia about the uncertainty of finding a cab in Richmond had me stuck outside of the city for at least three hours. This train station is a $15.00 cab ride of the city; if you tell the concierge at the nicest hotel on Franklin St. your name and room number, their “driver” will take you there for free. Stupid me and my fucking honesty, buts its never my money at least for now. While waiting underneath the cantilever or limo umbrella or whatever the fuck hangs out in front the nice hotel, I talked to the cape-adorned doorman about the Richmond flag and the folklore behind it. I didn’t have the balls to ask him what the fuck a “plateau boat” is, so I entered myself by looking at how the hotel stamps their crest into the large ashtrays, thinking about addiction, weight loss, bad teeth, and bubble gum. A $17.00 cab ride later (Thanksgiving tip, I’m so fucking charitable, hearing someone say “you do the same” was kind of close to thinking that someone actually cared about what I do, only cost two bucks). I had to kill time since the train was delayed. Waiting in line didn’t really kill time, it was like a failed suicide attempt, I was standing behind an overweight, bitchy white woman who spoke in that ghetto-arrogant tongue, demanding a refund for herself as well as her husband and three interracial children who had to stand on the train from Balmer’, what with her unreserved seats. I got my tickets and trekked out of the station to see what these strip mall suburban fucks do. And what do they do? It appears there’s nothing else to do there, but eat. Goddamn, this explains why Americans are fat, they drive because that shits too far to walk to, and there aint nothing else to do but eat. First thing I pass was a steak house advertising a $6.99 steak lunch, which created the train of thought “If yr really in the mood for a steak, make it one of those $30 steaks where a flamboyant gay actor struggling to make it on Broadway makes some great steak puns and offers like five different forks”, or just grill yr own steak you want to be cheap. But it could be all about the experience, like buying hash browns at Burger King so you can take a dump in the ball pit and not feel like you don’t deserve to be there. Then I passed a Hostess outlet store offering 69 cent bread, I had never paid attention to bread prices ever before, now I have something to compare nice bread to. I passed a bunch of chain fast food places and the supermarket chain that banned Gwar from playing in Richmond, and then I found what I was looking for: the two golden M’s, Mediterranean Market. Sweet. I gotta try it, and if it’s good, support the fuck out of it. It’s the kind of humbling storefront that I’m always looking for; several small round tables in the front of the store, walls of imported goods on two sides, fresh produce down the center. That sort of simple, all in one deli set up, like Vace if you could eat inside rather than have to straddle Taft bride or sit on a stoop, which aint bad, but on a rainy day in a hole outside of Richmond, VA, stoops are hard to find, and often covered with menthol cigarette butts and soiled NASCAR memorabilia. So I’m there in the market, I set down my bags, I know I want the gyro combo and I want to give their spinach pie a shot, I hadn’t eaten anything at all to that point in the day, it was 2:00 by then. The portly deli-man was talking in a foreign language, indistinguishable to I, maybe Dizard or Cortez could translate, but the non-English speaking was a good sign that the food was true and sincere and delicious, that it would be dense lamb meat cut right of the spinning vertical rod rather some mass-produced frozen shit that gets sent out to Greek Orthodox churches across the country. I drew this analogy on my legal pad that I was drawing boobs on to pass the time:
English : Bad : : Gyro : Good
How did I pronounce gyro? Some slur between Ja-Eye-Ro and Year-Oh, to show I was down but not necessarily sure of how they said it. One of the women there asked “You like the gyro (Ja-Eye-Ro)?” I wasn’t sure if this was some of that Lebanese humor that I got through Patrick Abdel-Nour (I mean, ridiculous lying) but either way I was getting a gyro and the menu also promised a cool mint candy also. Several minutes later, I got my damn gyro, and let me tell you this. It was a damn good gyro however you choose to pronounce it. Hot meat with the right balance of soft delicious flesh and the proper amount of crunch, the tomatoes were fresh and most of all the onions were grilled, gone was the acrid buzz of uncooked cold onions. The one disappointment was that the promised “cool mint candy” was just a peppermint patty. But I ate it, chewed the cool mint (and low-fat as the silver wrapper flaunts) and contemplated the glories of life while the industrial refrigerators buzzed, then a soccer mom totally broke my calm with her whole “I want three gyros, beef gyros, all the tops on the side, except for one with all the tops inside with no onions”. She confused the portly deli man. I told him that I liked the onions and got a baklava for the road, which I ate inside and looked at the variety of hookah products they were selling. Like I said in the Flying Shark comments somewhere; hookah is the new mesh hat, or popped collar or flex fit baseball cap that you keep the holographic sticker on. Usually I’m quick to say fuck the trend and do whatever it is that I think I’m doing in life, but while I’m not a real hookah-horny motherfucker like so many kids are these days, I think it’s a good social wave for American youth. Where does hookah come from? Why, the Middle East. Oh man. All the dumb impressionable, trend-loving, thoughtless American youth, smoking hookah listening to Petey Pablo, wearing black ski masks, smuggling hash in their mommy’s SUV. Imagine the day. Its not going to happen, but I want to emphasize that all the kids are feeling sooooooooo bad ass smoking hookah, its not even that fun, not worth my three bucks. I mean, maybe if the smoke was colored like bright purple or it ACTUALLY GOT YOU HIGH, then maybe it’d be an enjoyable activity to partake in, but I’ll sit there and drink Turkish coffee, maybe get some of that Sha-war-ma, listen to the wild beats and fundamentalist shrieking, loiter amongst the Armani-wearing Arab trust fund kids were their clean, shiny hair and those shoes that are square in the front. Of course there’s my problem, why I’m too fat to get laid. Eating when there’s nothing else to do. All the asshole kids with the active sex lives and stupid hats, they’re all smoking, so they’re not getting the falafel gut, the kind of gut that swallows penises (penii?) whole. The old cancer v. diabetes challenge. A moot point if the liver is destroyed first, totally fuckin’ moot if I lose all my money gambling or on hookers or bullets. Choice of sin, I guess. I mean its all about choices, its just a fucking prelude to innovation, but like in motion man. A fuckin’ freak show. Someday I’ll find a point, where it will make sense, then this will be heroic, but for now I need to find a source of free rolls of toilet paper, because I sure as hell ain’t paying for it. Now I know why those shits have locks on ‘em. Fuckers like me.
grilling your onions is essential: it makes them delicious.
Posted by: farbs at November 30, 2004 01:49 AMdude, armani arab hipsters are ridduculus, they always hang out in groups of fucking 10 0r 12 and never have chicks with them. and they all have crazy metro clothes whether they are valet guys in Freindship Heights or some sheiks son.
Posted by: sleslie at November 30, 2004 03:39 AMYeah, grilling makes many vegetables that would normally be mundane or even bad delectable.
Posted by: DHI at November 30, 2004 02:56 PMIt may not get a tightly rolled roll, but get an empty roll (by empty roll I mean the cardboard tube inside), tape the free end of the paper that is locked in to the tube you have, and start rolling up, transferring it from one roll to the other like a cassette.
I imagine this would work.
Posted by: DHI at November 30, 2004 06:05 PMdiscoe, you are an evil genius.
Posted by: farbs at November 30, 2004 10:07 PMI feel like I just watched a little short film of your life. A CiM little short film with relatively bad sound so that it's mainly the "industrial refrigerator" hum that everyone is speaking over. I love it.
Posted by: Lindsay at December 1, 2004 01:49 AMexcept for onions (which are good either way), grilling makes vegetables worse. i'll need to see some examples to the contrary
Posted by: dsa at December 1, 2004 11:05 AMgrilled peppers are bomb.
and while I'm not a fan, zucchini and squash look way more appetizing when grilled.
JRussell hit the nail on the head, except grilled zuchinni actually is good, but the grilled peppers, yeah, they are great, and mushrooms as well (all though technically they aren't vegetables, who the fuck cares?). And really I meant onions, peppers, and mushrooms, the ones I will put on a sanwich, which outnumber tomato which is better fresh and lettuce which cannot be grilled, although if tomatoes are served solo or with breakfast they are better grilled, but I think they might only do that in Ireland.
Posted by: DHI at December 1, 2004 02:41 PMalso grilled corn can be excellent, though this is not the standard. cooking vegetables can be a tricky thing: the worst thing you can do is take a crisp delicious vegetable such as a carrot and cook the shit out of it until it becomes mushy crap. but grilling vegetables (such as for a fajita) can be an excellent flavor-circulator, and stir-frying, such as the asians do, often makes for a delectable vegetable.
Posted by: farbs at December 1, 2004 06:35 PMDude, ... Grilled tomatillos (a often over looked yet wonderful relative of the tomato). Tomatillos are a little bigger then ping pongs and come in shades of yellow and green. the are so good. Perfect size for a kebob.
Posted by: sleslie at December 1, 2004 06:47 PMtomotillos grow in sack.
Posted by: JRuss at December 1, 2004 07:04 PMYeah, those fuckers ARE good. Don't see 'em that often, though.
Posted by: DHI at December 1, 2004 07:24 PMbest salsa at chipotle.
Posted by: JRuss at December 1, 2004 07:52 PMi gotta agree with saul believe it or not
i can't stand grilled vegetables in most cases, it gives em a horrible flaccid texture and often corrupts their fresh fleshy flavour.
i dig them PORTABELLOs and shit though. but the charm of green and red peppers was always, for me at least, in their succulent snap and robust watery flavour.
Posted by: sw at December 1, 2004 08:27 PMAL DENTE, motherfuckers
Posted by: sw at December 1, 2004 08:28 PMyou guys are leaving out cheese completely. it's essential. a good cheese can make sirloin of the most fetid meat.
australian cheddar was at 2.99 a pound at Calvert Woodley's until my dad kept buying it by the 8-pound block. they noticed we got wise to their specials, so they upped the price again.
BUY GOOD CHEESE. Amercian is utterly prosaic. Gruyere is great.
Posted by: c-dog at December 1, 2004 09:08 PMYes, I hear Calvert-Woodley has great prices on... cheese.
Posted by: DHI at December 1, 2004 09:09 PMdamn right
Posted by: bones at December 1, 2004 09:11 PMyes, discoe, that, too.
the funny thing about that sentence is all the commas are right. except sometimes people leave them out before and after too.
Your sentence makes no sense: Great prices on cheese and cheese? Cheese is the same thing!
Portabella mushrooms, though, those are great, I'm sorry to hear you don't like grilled peppers, but remember, you're not sucking a cock, you do not need a turgid structure, you are eating food, you need grilled flavor. I guess this, like your love of rice, is another irreconcilable difference in food.
Posted by: DHI at December 1, 2004 09:21 PMit makes perfect sense, because of what you were thinking when you wrote your comment.
and don't butcher the comma thing. its only funny (albeit minutely) because it was unintentional and so short.
Posted by: c-dog at December 1, 2004 09:45 PMi should have said "grate" instead of butcher. i gotta keep my eye out for those dealies.
Posted by: ca@c-w at December 1, 2004 09:47 PMmushrooms are always terrible. grilling peppers makes them way worse. the only vegetable that i can think of that is really improved by cooking is spinach. is that even a vegetable? and like brocolli and green beans but you dont grill those motherfuckers
Posted by: dsaf at December 1, 2004 10:26 PMwait none of these are really grilled except maybe peppers. are you talking about like whole onions on a grill or something? or chopped up on a pan. that's how im thinking.
Posted by: sfda at December 1, 2004 10:27 PMI think you miscontrued my cheese comment, but I'll let that slide, just know that the commas was nothing intentional, just a common thing in comments in which you attempt to cover a lot of shit really quickly. Seriously. For evidence, look at my post of Dec 1, 2:41 PM - quite clearly there is the same comma use, fool.
Chopped up on a pan is considered "grilled" by me, it is one of those flat grills, like grilled cheese sammich, you know, yeah, I don't know how you don't appreciate mushrooms, and spinach is better raw unless there's a lot of tabasco on it cooked.
Posted by: DHI at December 1, 2004 11:25 PMi was talking about veggies on actual grills (wood, propane, charcoal) not some Pussy sauteed shit. you can grill all kinds of veggies on the grill. with onions you just cut em in half put em on there (since most vegtables are virtualy fat free you will have to brush them with melted butter or oil or they will get stuck to the grill real quick, it adds a nice flavor as well). i like to cut squash, eggplants and zucchini in half length wise. with tomatillos i usualy kebob them just put them on a skewer with meat (steak, lamb, venison).
Seriusly guys, grill some vegetables.
BBQ part II?
Posted by: JRuss at December 2, 2004 05:23 PMIn terms of kabobs you are correct. However, in terms of toppings, peppers and mushrooms are better sauteed, say what you will about it but it improves them. For zuchinni and squash and tomatillos, as well as onions (which are good almost any style), I prefer the grilling. And for lettuce and tomato they are usually better off without cooking.
Posted by: DHI at December 2, 2004 07:31 PMall vegetables are best raw!
ALL VEGETABLES ARE BEST CONSUMED RAW! FUCK YES! FUCKING YES!
DEBATE! DEBATE!
Posted by: sw at December 2, 2004 09:35 PMso the thing about stoops in VA... i feel that. only not in va. new yorks got a shit load of stoops, im not gonna lie. but somehow they dont seem to be for sitting on like the ones in dc. i guess its just that i have to learn the stoop/curb chillin etiquet new york style, but somehow it seems out of place here (at least on the upper west side) its right in there with the is peeing in allies cool here question.
Posted by: charlotte at December 2, 2004 10:30 PMBBQ Part II on a stoop?
Posted by: Lindsay at December 3, 2004 12:47 PMyou crazy al dente bastard. take a valium.
Posted by: farbs at December 3, 2004 01:55 PMI once was at a hotel the same time as a chef's convention; lemme tell you this, chefs party fucking hard. There was one douchebag who's name said his name was"
Allen Dente
It was a pasta necklace. That piece of shit.
Posted by: JRuss at December 3, 2004 02:38 PMhaving review the opinons presented here I feel obligated to add a few of my own. I will give to sam that raw vegetables can be quite delicious, under certain circumstances, namely those that involve their being added as a sandwhich component. In those cases, raw vegetables are awesome. On the other hand, however, I have to agree with the Saul-Sleslie-Mr.Poofyhair axis which holds that various forms of cooking are of of help to many vegetables and, indeed, give them a quality which allows them to be enjoyed on their own, outside of the confines of a sandwhich. I will give a brief summary:
boiled: carrots, potatoes (which are essentially inedible raw (anyone who mentions the non-vegetableness of potatoes gets a knee in the crotch)) oh and yams (not a vegetable but shut the fuck up) boiled and mashed yams sweetened with various holiday spices should be elected president.PRESIDENT! boiled spinach has a place as well. though I'd say that raw spinach in the form of a salad can be quite appetizing as well
sauteed: with onions here you can't go wrong. I can't really say much more. but I think that the sauteeing avenue should be investigated to its fullest extent by Mr. Leslie and Mr. Poofyhair.
grilled: very often, grilling shit just fucks it up. notable exception: carrots. but I will also posit that carrots could be improved on greatly by a few rolls in a frying pan.
on the issue of hookah and its status as a contemporary cultural artifact:
though I would say that I am an avid consumer of hookah (or "al-waha"), I do admit that, as it has manifested itself in america ("fi amrikaa") the practice has been reduced by many of its purveyors to that of a juvenile pastime for the upper
middle middle class. for instance, what's the deal with chicks smoking double apple shisah("fakhtaan") and dudes digging melon and mango and such like? seriously, that's a huge deviation from what's typically done over thurr. men are only supposed to smoke dat double apple, it's the manliest of the shishas. and what do we see now? we see a total bastardization of this tradition.
anyway. I think that overall the hookah phenomenon (juvenile and dumb because it doesn't get you HIGH, as JRuss pointed out) represents the first stages of the "arabization" of the West. Just look at Europe and the high percentages of arab muslims living there and influencing the European culture(s). In Europe it's been taken to a high level and has met with a more vehement reaction than in the united states because a) history of european nationalism b) rigidity of the european labor market, but the same thing is going on here. its inevitable that war leads to both the contact and the clash of civilzations, in terms of values and assumptions. neither huntington nor fukyama are completely correct or incorrect. hookah bars represent the first manifestations of the contact of American modernism and a wide spectrum of arab opinion and thought. the hookah bar represents a kind of subdued neutral zone in the fury that globalization has brought with it. Just think, for every gaggle of American Eagle wearing 'Ginians who sit and puff at Princes in Georgetown, there's got to be one or two of them who sits transfixed by the arabic music videos and asks himself "what does it all mean?"
we should all hope that he gets the answer right.
modernism has been raped a thousand times.
Posted by: JRuss at December 3, 2004 05:46 PMAlright alright, what about that grilled pineapple?! Good shit I tell you, especially with a porkchop or on a pizza. I know it sounds terrible but try it. Also, you can't claim that grilled veggies are better than raw veggies (or vice versa) without taking into consideration what they are being served with--Jeez.
Posted by: Alo at December 4, 2004 12:37 AMSeeing as the only people here who have been to a chef convention are Jrus and myself, I dont think anyone else has any business comenting on the culinary arts.
Posted by: sleslie at December 4, 2004 03:24 AMboiling carrots is a terrible idea, only tolerable at all in good chicken soup. a carrot's appeal is in its crunchy freshness.
Posted by: farbs at December 4, 2004 04:04 PMWell done, spokesman.
Posted by: DHI at December 4, 2004 04:31 PMEli, your inability to appreciate boiled carrots reminds me of your inability to appreciate female genitals as conducive to sexual arousal.
Posted by: dizardo at December 4, 2004 04:44 PMthat is not the viewpoint which was expressed by your mother last night during the time in which her genitals were quite conducive to my arousal.
Posted by: farbs at December 4, 2004 05:29 PMthat time being: ALL NITE LONG
Posted by: farbs at December 4, 2004 05:29 PMthat's not worth a comeback.
this is in start contrast to your mom, Eli, who is indeed worth coming back to in order to come on her back.
on a related note: when are we going to be able to debauch your pool?
Posted by: dizardo at December 4, 2004 07:45 PMDon't you mean "during which time"?
Posted by: DHI at December 5, 2004 11:04 AMNever mind
Posted by: DHI at December 5, 2004 12:45 PMyou can debauch my pool anytime you like as long as you are willing your testicles in sacrifice to Shrinkthor, god of the icy deep. translation: that shit is not heated.
Posted by: farbs at December 5, 2004 03:47 PMDidn't I pitch to you the idea of heating it directly with coals, or with rocks heated over coals, dumping them in the pool, as some ancient culture did? (Romans? Or was I incorrect and perhaps I just imagined that up?)
Posted by: DHI at December 5, 2004 04:42 PMi don't know if that would work for very long, Mr. Bee. Sure, the romans were able to sustain working calderia over natural volcanic vents and such like but what your talking about is more like taking a big stone, heating it over a large fire, and dumping it into a pool. it would warm up the water for a while but, in the end, you're really just left with a stone at the bottom of Eli's pool.
Posted by: dizardo at December 5, 2004 05:07 PMplease note that my historical knowledge is mostly just plausible lies
Posted by: dizardo at December 5, 2004 05:08 PMi think your knowledge, historically, is mostly just plausible lies.
Posted by: farbs at December 5, 2004 05:22 PMIf you get a big enough bonfire with a large supply of hardwood and a workman on the shovel, you can get a continuous supply of heat.
Posted by: DHI at December 5, 2004 07:24 PMmake it happen, discoe, and my pool is open for party.
Posted by: farbs at December 5, 2004 10:42 PMI have a crazy idea that depends on my limited understanding of physics, but may be right. You can siphon smoke uphill, right, just as you can siphon things lighter than air downhill? You get a bunch of cheap tin ventilation tubing, and build a makeshift stove at a location downhill from the pool. lead the end of the thing into the pool, but put a little up-and-down bend in at the end to prevent the water from running down. Then stick a 3-foot extension to the vacuum cleaner into the non-watered part of the ventilation system. Turn the vacuum on for a few seconds to start the siphon.
Would this work? It is pretty involved and likely not the easisest way to do it (if we get people working in shifts on the shoveling scheme we could do that), but the appeal of the idea is in its craziness. Just tell me if it works, from what your ivy league education has told you.
Posted by: DHI at December 5, 2004 10:55 PMor, if you want to put that much effort into it, you could probably just earn enough money to buy a heater for my pool.
Posted by: farbs at December 5, 2004 11:17 PMI'm pretty sure that wouldn't be a crazy idea, which would take all the fun out of it.
Posted by: DHI at December 5, 2004 11:38 PMit would be crazy if you earned the money in a crazy fashion, and then my pool could have a regular heater. where's your creativity? i know you've got a harebrained pool-heater-buying scheme in you.
Posted by: farbs at December 6, 2004 12:01 AMThis milk has bleach in it.
Posted by: Lindsay at December 6, 2004 11:21 AMLINDSAY YOU ARE A GENIUS! The most crazy idea would be to use a chemical reaction between magnesium and iron with salt water to create heat. Packets of magnesium, iron alloy, and sodium could rest on th bottom of the pool, with one-way valves allowing the water to seep inside the packets. Badabing! Hot water and no rocks or less fun, more practical methods.
Posted by: TheHerbephile, back by popular demand for clarity at December 6, 2004 12:51 PMBut then everyone in the pool would be salted, which would invevitably mean they would be eaten by sailors and fishermen (two groups of people who really enjoy salty meat)
Posted by: DHI at December 6, 2004 12:58 PMbehold, our new god
Posted by: dizardo at December 6, 2004 12:58 PMno, dude, i thought of that. thats why there are ONE-WAY VALVES. the sodium is in with the other chemicals in the packets.
Posted by: TheHerbephile, back by popular demand for clarity at December 6, 2004 01:03 PMthis message board has been raped. Dayam!
Posted by: Alo at December 6, 2004 02:16 PMDude, fuck chemistry, the most boring of all the scientist. Packets are quite mundane, though they may be efficient. Here are things that are a lot more interesting to see:
Waterproof stove. You bury the stove in the water, and have an intake vent above the surface, while you allow the water to flow through the chamber right below where the wood burns to become heated. The output vent, where the smoke goes, would snake around the pool before finally going up into the air. This would not only provide heating, but people would inevitably brush up against the pipe, causing cornballer-esque amusement.
Another idea: melt down tin, and have it poor in a funnel into the pool. As the tin pours in, it hardens, and if you use cookie-cutters and stencils, you can make all kinds of fun shapes and/or weapons.
Also, I'm fairly sure that if you get a bunch of ravers overheated by ecstasy and leave their corpses at the bottom of the pool, they will provide plenty of heat, although of course raver-corpses are generally to be avoided.
But a serious question involving the PHYSICS of your solution: how do you get the water to flow back out? Won't it always move toward the greater concentration of solutes, and thus either cause the packets to explode due to too much water or cause the hot water to stay inside the packets?
First of all, the valves could easily be controlled to prevent explosions. Only a tiny bit of water needs to go in, and its not supposed to come back out. Secondly, I got an even better idea:
Move to Iceland, where they have geyser springs with 110 degree water.
Then move the water back home. It'll cool down during the trip, but you can reheat it again with chemical packets.
Posted by: TheHerbephile, back by popular demand for clarity at December 6, 2004 02:44 PMlove the cornballer reference, though.
Posted by: TheHerbephile, back by popular demand for clarity at December 6, 2004 02:44 PMWhich brings us back to the previous discussion, in this form: How is corn best cooked? There are so many delicious ways--grilling, boiling, steaming, cutting off the colonels (white beard and all) and THEN grilling, boiling, streaming, megnesium-iron-sodiuming, raver-heating, geyser-steaming...
Posted by: TheHerbephile, back by popular demand for clarity at December 6, 2004 02:58 PMHilarious on the Fioricet.
I believe the word is "sodiumizing" not "sodiuming". It is also closer to the use of corn for initiation purposes.
My preferences is grilled, with a lot of butter. Butter is essential.
Posted by: DHI at December 6, 2004 03:25 PMGet a room you too.
I'm not saying have to go home, but you can't do that here.
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