April 16, 2006

Jesse's Blurbs

Although I haven't published anything up in this blog a while, and nothing of substance for even longer, I've still been writing a lilttle bit here and there, still doodling awesome spiral dealies in class and hating everyone in the lecture hall.

Over a couple months, my ex-roommate, Jesse, who was kicked out of the apartment for punching me in the face (because I "talk so much shit") wrote some of his blog entries on his myspace page, some of which I thought were kind of funny.

First to get to know the dude, its worth checking out what he wrote in his About Me Section

484224785_l.jpg

About me:
Shut up and jam is all I can really say about myself. I played basketball in the state finals, BIG SHOUTZ TO ALL MY DAWGSZ. I have two rings that are from championship rings. I used to go VCU in Richmond but that wuz some shit, mad happy to be back in MIDLO!!!! You probably can not read me. I am unreadable, you cannot tell anything from looking, so don't look. Yeah I got glasses, I'll take you one on one. suck my motherfuckin' DICK!!! I like to party, specialllly with some Sparks and some Captain's Morgan rum really watered down. Yeah, Holy Shit, we'lll go bass fishing maybe eat sum Little Caesar's pizzas. I hate faggotz and bullshit. I hate the grosesest peopl in the world. They got owned when I broke my lease and shit. I got driver's license (I hate the DMV, lol) and I cruise in my mom's Acura. Go to the YMCA, get sum Mickey D's afterwards U Know what I mean . . . . . So just give me sum respect and I won't have to sock you in the jaw, for real. I don't eat the box, so don't even think about asking.

Who I'd like to meet:

some anonymous bitch

Saturday, February 11, 2006
THINGS I EAT aka FUK YOU
Current mood: full
Hey, hey, hey, listen, just just shit shut the fuck up for a second. My room didn't stink because of me, it smelled shitty because of Nick fukkking Dahm(er, heh lol). So, I just wanted to clear that up. Oh a couple of other things I need to get out now sinz thats whut were doing:First ofall, YES I eat ice, fuck you its not bad for me, I like to eat ice, in the morning, at night, whenever I feel the fuck like it. Ice is what I eat, and I am one coooool, how cool, Ice Cool, Ah I aye. I don't why you don't like Dill pickles, they're the best, and like free at the rite jewish deli or diner, mmhmmm. Yessirrrr, free pickles for the JESSE FUGGGGGGIN' GARRISON. Alladins cheesesteak are also good, I like em nice and all. I think the combos is a good deal, the fries aren't the best but I like em, I'm a reasonable guy. (wobbling my glasses, heh wink wink). For real good, I'd have a Fresca, they don't always have it wherver you go, so I'm glad to get it. Sometimse I think a case of Fresa cans are like onnnn old Josh Gibson baseball card thats someone's zWhite Whale of what they spend their whole lives looking for that one thing. Not the life for me, every I want I can get in a plastic bag. except for the real thing love.pleazcomment "1" if ur trying to make out or whatever on Valentines, we'll get a cheesesteak combo, "park" in my awesome Acura. Hey fuk you don't get to talk all that shit about Acuras, ah!itslikeaHondabutnicerbetter itslikeaHondabutnicerbetteritslikeaHondabutnicerbetter itslikeaHondabutnicerbetter itslikeaHondabutnicerbetteritslikeaHondabutnicerbetter itslikeaHondabutnicerbetter!!!!!IT"S LiKE A FUCKING HONDASA!!!!BUT NICER!!!ACURAS ARE nicer, they're fucking deluxarious. fuck you, don't even have a job do you, shut up, don't talk all that bowlshit.so yeah, some bitch has gotta be my valentine. I'll be ur Tommy Lee for if just one night of goiing 100%

FAGITS

Current mood: angry
Category: Religion and Philosophy
I'm gonna write a blog about fagits becuz there always at my house. My moms boyfreind is a fagit, becuz everyteim hes at my house he tlaks about how COOL he is

Well listen my moms boyfriend. your a fagit. ill tell u who isent a fagit tho - MY DAD! yea, my dad is a caddy, fuk you, hes a rocket sceintist! He knows bout golf, rockets, biologoiy, ennui, whatever, hes fuckin genius! U kno what other fagits i hate is big fagits who eat up all my combos. Yo them pizza combos was for JESSE FUCKKKKKKIN GARRISON. An the groessest ppl in tha wurld, dont think i didnt here u ate my hunny bunches of oats

Now ima get sum mexcan food, burrito chimeechunga, taco salads, whatever i fuckin feel like! Fuk u fagits!

(wusup jenna u cute ass)


What Can You Say to the That, GAFs??//?

Current mood: thirsty
You smell that?
No, not my athletic deoderant.
No, not my rammin noodles, now, now
fucking smell that fing now, do you smell it?
Oh come on, what the fuck, don't you smell it?
Do you smell wrong or something you fagit?


Alright, I'm just going go a head and tell you sinz ur such a pussy and can not smell like a regular guy like me.... itz the smell of Summer time.


yeeeeaaahh, Summer time, like that Sub-lizzle song

its the smell of waking early, heading over to the golf course, sweat stinging my eyes and the parts of my face that are broken out, but I know Iam the best caddy around, because I do not take any bullshit from gay ass fags. Some people, maybe even most peopleare fucking idiots like on that show NEXT, but I'm is not.
its the smell of mcdonalds french fries steaming outta a bag in the passenger seat of my my mom's Acura, air condishininng all on, listening to some Metallica, thinking about StarCraft.

This wuz a tough year for me, a bunch of stupid crap just happened to me, and I did not daserve anything, so this is why summer is so good. Basketball, golf, mcdonalds, making money, saving that shit, wearing shorts like all the time.

call me, I'll be drunk my myself prolly in the basemint or just tired from working all day like 100% like a man I am does.

Posted by jruss at April 16, 2006 07:35 PM
Comments

I'll be this bitch's Valentine. He's got all the right moves: poor writing abilities, problems grasping his own masculinity, social tactlessness, and FAGIT.

This is a goldmine though. I got a good laugh. Plus I hate the DMV too, lol.

Posted by: Lindsay at April 16, 2006 11:53 PM

In reading this, I was contemplating how amazing a feat it would have been if this was entirely a fabrication, just your imagination. The thought process, vocabulary, and style is so consistent. Josh, you made this up. And you are a fucking Genius for it. By the way, I bet if this fucker ever found a valentine, he wouldn't even know how to give her the old Abe Lincoln.

Posted by: GRB at April 17, 2006 11:19 PM

i'm with g.baker on this one.

i remember starcraft. that shit was pretty tight.

Posted by: farbs at April 18, 2006 03:04 PM

This is fucking amazing. If this is real please post the Url for this shit. Pizza combos, hahahahha

Posted by: sleslie at April 18, 2006 03:17 PM

http://wwww.myspace.com/jessefuckingarrison

Posted by: JRuss at April 18, 2006 09:03 PM

one less W and we're good.

Posted by: jruss at April 18, 2006 09:05 PM

I still think you just designed the myspace thing, because there are some lines that really look like they're from your perspective. But then again maybe this dude really is really that ridiculous. The uncertainty is what makes this great (besides the hilarity).

Posted by: DHI at April 21, 2006 03:39 PM

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Posted by: adsafds at April 23, 2006 09:10 PM

my old roommate puched me in the face for not being a racist.

Posted by: laurel at April 26, 2006 02:39 AM

i done got evil and found jesus.
and your facts need straightening like coffee.

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