JRussell's BlogNO!!!!

hello shit?

Apparently, my wisdom teeth are coming in sideways (the X-rays looked like some lonely bastard got bored at his cubicle and decided to use photoshop to make his teeth go sideways) so the man is saying I have to get ‘em pulled. Being a dumbass teenager, my first reaction to this was “Whoa man! VICODIN”, which isn’t really that sincere of a statement despite all the spit flinging enthusiasm, because I have never done Vicodin or any other designed drug, pill bullshit, but I’ve heard from seasoned “poppers” (Kitt, Saul, I’m sure Hunter Thompson mentioned it at one of our many meetings) that it creates a mellow or superawesome or euphoric state, something along those lines. I’ve been interested in pill drugs ever since, well, since I played Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, where you can walk in to a giant pill and then everything gets slow, prolong yr hooker killing experience while rocking out to ‘Raining Blood’ or that Frankie Goes To Hollywood song; sure made me want to pop a pill. A lot of the bohemian girls are pharmaceutical drugs, I remember going over to Lauren Hind’s house when I was fourteen wearing my Tibetan Freedom Concert shirt, its the house connected to my dad’s house, they’re like conjoined twi- fuck it, like Siamese twins, where apparently a bunch of “older” girls were all on speed while Julian and Andres Hakim (MIA?) passed a forty bottle, offering me the warm spit remnants, I didn’t drink anything, but I sure felt fucked up, must have been sitting on that upstairs porch at night without a sweater. Inside the room, a young Josh Scall “dry sexed” some girl, I don’t remember who she was but I guess she was hot, but I had never seen a thing like that before (still haven’t) so I stood there and watched Scall’s scrawny arms get to work on the girl who was like (FUCKING WOW!) two years older or something. I eventually grew bored of just watching (story of my life) so I went over to that brass poled bed frame and shook it, I figured it would help him “dry sex” her. I was then distracted by a magazine size ad on the wall for the Dropkick Murphy’s “Gang’s All Here” album, I was intrigued by it because this was long before my immersion in punk rock. The only thing I knew about punk rock was that it apparently meant shaving yr head and skipping class to buy Exploited shirts at Smash, I remember a Fat Wreck Chords compilation being integral to joining the punk rock club or something also. Soon the hostess, in a speed conceived frenzy ushered me out of the room and I walked down the hallway; I could easily tell my way around because her house is a mirror image of mine, so left is right, dirty is clean, hairy golden retriever is small dog that wears a diaper and scares itself when it tries to shit in the diaper so it shrieks something that could be sold on a day-glo orange cassette around Halloween time. The speed girl gave me a whole bag (!) of Hershey kisses and put on Rocky Horror Picture Show and left, did Jules score? That’s what I thought was going to happen. Eh. That didn’t really go anywhere, but those bohemians were all about speed I hear, but speed is like the total opposite of Vicodin right? Am I even spelling it right? So I’ll probably end up either not having any surplus pills due to pain in the jaw or I’ll sell them to Burke kids for a cheap price and they’ll call me a fat moron for selling the pills cheap and being fat rather than getting one of those Burke chicks to blow me for providing them with such cheap drugs; I know how those kids work, I’ve seen their dance parties and their newspaper. At least one truth holds between the two tribes, Reuben Rosenthal is not funny, but he’s a big fucking joke, much like me, only I heard Reuben got a lot of poon when he changed his name to Max E. Rection or something, I don’t have the self-esteem to change my name, don’t have that cred, never had a Bar Mitzvah to fill my bank account with feigned interest and Borders giftcards because I’m no jew, I’ll pull down my pants to prove it. See? Well, I mean technically, by Jewish law and shit I could be a jew, but that’s centuries ago in Eastern Europe, that side of the family left for a reason: to abandon Judaism and work at department stores in Chicago, the other half you ask, where are they from, that side is pure Whiskey-drinking, Indian-raping, greasy breakfast-eating Lynchville Virginians. So that’s what made me what I am, well not really, I think a lot of “me” comes from my dad taking me to see R-rated movies since I was three and feeding me sour cream & onion potato chips that we snuck in to the theater. The last movie I saw in theaters with my dad (Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind), we snuck in a Dr. Brown’s Cream Soda, a big bag of plain potato chips, white chocolate Toblerone and my dad was swigging from a gallon of milk throughout the duration of the film. Later that night I told my dad I was going to see a Mannequin/Excelone house show in College Park, but the was cancelled, so ended going to a burke party. I’ve been doing that way too much, where I tell my dad I’m going to a show and end up just partying up and having Scorpion drive me homel; in February I said I was going to see Black Eyes at the Warehouse and ended up on the ‘Spanish Steps’ in Dupont Circle with Eva, Huber, Scorpion, and fucking Downey. The rest of the teenage population all lie to their parents so they can get high and have sex with coked up sluts from California, but I pride myself in being honest with my dad, nothing noble because he doesn’t really care that much, he’d rather me be happy and comfortable than have to leave the concert early because he has work the next morning, because he doesn’t have work the next morning. So back to Vicodin. I’m getting my teeth pulled next Friday, which is relief, because I was afraid I was going to get them pulled this Friday, and in that situation, I probably wouldn’t have been able to go to MACROCK, but everything is working out and I think I’ll actually be able retrieve my lost wallet from the Wilson Office, I’ve confirmed that its in there, now I just have to get it back, but that’s a whole different story.

I'm lazy and my leftist toe is giving me a hard time.

Read the Robert Johnson story, it's enthralling, more than any fucking picture of mine could ever be.

Relic of Summ-errrr?

quite a doffed motherfucker

About Eek-a-mouse & i

I don't you kids can remember or not (what with all yr brain damaging habits) but a while back we were using a peer to peer file sharing service called Audiogalaxy. It was a web based music search service, and in its prime it was one hell of a program. One of the cool things that it did was list artists into various genres, then listing the artists in that genre by popularity and the songs of that respective artist by popularity with the fan favorites or the singles at the top, giving you a fine taste of what the band offered or whatever. When I was 14 or 15, probably fifteen I want to be even more "reb" the kids who were all in to the Sublime song 'Smoke two joints', they knew all the words and eventually lived them or something close. Well, I was going to out-reb them, I was gonna find the most bad ass drug songs Audiogalaxy could find. Songs I downloaded during that quest for rebellious drug music included: Peter Tosh - 'Legalize it', Blue Meanies - 'Aquarium Bong', and Beck - 'MTV Makes me wanna smoke crack'. So those were the drugs songs I came up with at that point, but kids weren't singing along with me, they were still worshipping Sublime and licking a hookah named Albert or something. So I went home alone and continued to search the internet for even better drug songs, and I came across an overlooked masterpiece. It was a song called 'Ganja Smuggling'. The artist also had songs called 'Assinator', 'Hitler', and 'Neutron Bomb' so I was pretty sure he was going to be real bad ass despite his seemingly un-bad ass moniker, Eek-a-mouse. The (apparently live) song begins with a thick bumping bass, and a DJ figure talking about how "there are only two radio stations in Jamaica", then Eek a Mouse is presented and there's an indecipherable back & forth in patois ("say la la some say whoa whoa some say la la") and then in rolls in to the classic high pitched Eek A Mouse vocals (biddy biddy bong) and the immortal beginning "early early Sunday morning, it was a big ganja smuggling". It was a quite a track, it'll blow away those Sublime kids with the "girlfriends" pretending to be "drunk". I had to take another hit of Eek A Mouse, with drugs being the key word I downloaded a track called "Juicy and Weedy". And oh man!! What a fucking song that was. Musically it almost sounded the same, but what a groove. Juicy and weedy? Is it about a drink? a nugget of ganj'? A vagina? What is it about? Regardless, the fucker is catchy and I began singing at school. As it still is, the way to "show off" the music that yr in to at the time was to download it on a friend's computer when you were over there playing video games and shooting eachother pressurized weapons. I guess I downloaded it on Sam's computer and he dug it because he was in to it I do believe.

The boys were filming 'Dead Child' and I had the part of well, myself as a clerk at Tiger Mart. During it I was supposed to sing a completely indecipherable version of "Juicy and Weedy" because it was so fucking entertaining or something. So there I was, eerily short hair, ungodly scrappiness for a 15 year old wearing a McDonalds apron digging through hot fries giving em the classic JucicyandweedyweedyhuiccydrinkJUiceinAbox. I think the first take was either too decipherable or not high pitched or something, with the ever present director's request "Do it like you normally do it, you fucking non-actor". But people liked the line was well liked and I got to spread the name Eek-a-mouse to the masses, I may or may not have used the Eek a mouse reference to touch a boob, it's all a blur. In 'Raw Milk', the Eek a mouse song 'Ganja Smuggling' is played while the JRussell character strides down Yuma St. on the coldest fucking day we could have shot, forever documenting the growth of my turkey-esque neck fat in a terribly terribly unflattering profile shot but what the fuck, let the ugly be ugly, love song for the unloved, blah blah blah I suck fuck, send love to me virgin girl. But 'Ganja Smuggling' most definitely grew on the One Acts cast last year, I distinctly remember watching kids during the show sing along to the song a couple shows in to the festival, but we only had like three shows due to snow any way right? Whatever, it was awesome that Milena was singing eek a mouse, it was a shame that the dicklickingest of 'em all, Robert Downey was singing it. While singing 'Ganja Smuggling' he was also assimilating the accent. .

Motherfucker.

But returning to Eek-a-mouse, I eventually picked up a new copy of 'Wa Do Dem' on CD for free back when the CD/Game Exchange managers would offer us free new CDs when we got a customer to special order CD, I don't know if that deal remains, regardless, I haven't gotten a SPO in a long time if the deal still exists. I played mp3s of Eek a Mouse enough that my sister asked me to make a mix CD with Eek a mouse on it, which really impressed me because I thought there was no hope for the girl, so I gave her the 'Best of Eek A Mouse' for a holiday present this year, and she listens to it. GOOD!. A vinyl version of 'Wa do Dem' came in to the store on a day that I either left early or didn't come in at all, whatever happened, I wasn't there when it came in, but luckily Sam didn't snatch it the way he'll snatch most of the of good reggae (upsetting Klaus who blames me for there being no good reggae at our store), so I got it, got it for free, it's a fun album, produced at King Tubbys by Scientist. So that's it I guess, I'd buy an Eek a mouse shirt if I found one eBay. Not really a ballad. more filler I guess. Gotta keep up with Discoe.

Orrin Hatch? Shwarzenegger? Kraftwerk???

Question #3: Arnold Schwarzenegger has recently said he believes foreign-born citizens who have been citizens for twenty years should be able to run for President. Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Ut) has proposed an amendment to allow it. Do you agree with Governor Schwarzenegger and Senator Hatch or do you believe that only natural-born citizens should be allowed to run for President?
Although people who weren’t born in the United States are allowed to eventually become citizens and hold the rights of any given American citizen, they should not be allowed to president. It is not an ethical or moral issue, rather one of national security; does America really want foreigners not only inside the government, but actually running the government. This idea has been grasped for centuries and it is the key arguments that the kings of Europe told their daughters while forcing them to procreate with their cousins and uncles rather than marrying their Flemish or Austrio-Hungarian lovers (e.g. “Keep the native womb of this country in native hands, charlatan!”). The case Orrin Hatch backing Arnold Schwarzenegger’s aspiration to be president only further proves the long-conspired plan to coalesce the good old Republican party and the renegade Austrian neo-fascist powerlifting/termination axis. If an Austrian-American can run for president, then all the non-American factions will want to run for president, Puerto Ricans, Eskimos, Hawaiians, sundry minority groups, and America just is not stable enough right now can not take that risk.
The President of the United States should be someone that is intelligent and be quite the role model for all Americans, how could someone who isn’t American be any type of role model for Americans unless they happen to have been in The Who or invented French fries? America has enough problems already with foreign affairs, alienating and enslaving much of the world, the last thing American needs is a fruitless marriage/alliance to a small worthless nation, what America needs is the three essentials: Isolation, Inbreeding, and Ice cold beverages. If one looks at the path of American pop music in the last fifty years, they'll notice that the sound of pure American rockabilly has died out and pop music is nothing more than European electronica without the jumpsuits and submachine guns on the decahedron of a dancefloor! This has to end. America must resist this European invasion with their scooters and stripy pants and muscular presidential nominees.

Free Press

They've given me total control of the next issue of the Wilson newspaper. I want to have fun with this one so if any of ya'll have any writing or illustration or found images, send 'em over, make this one hell of a high school newspaper. If you want to be part of this journalism process, you know drinking coffee, getting the shakes, eating chinese food at Wilson after janitors have left, feel free to stop by. Seriously though, I'm looking for journalism blowout, write whatever you want, I'm in charge.