Haymarket

The History Department and Students for Economic and Environmental
Justice present:

A May Day Event

"The Dramas of Haymarket: Three Artistic Approaches to Telling the
Tragic Story of the Bombing that Divided Gilded Age America."

-The novelist: Martin Duberman, author of "Haymarket: A Novel"
-The playwright: Zayd Dohrn, author of the play "Haymarket"
-The historian: James Green, author of the new history book, "Death
in
the Haymarket"

A Roundtable discussion with readings by the authors moderated by
Eric
Foner, DeWitt Clinton Professor of History.

May 1, 2006
2:45-4:15 pm
Lerner E568 J.D. Satow Room

For more information contact nsg2010@columbia.edu.

PRESENTING
HAYMARKET
BY ZAYD DOHRN

SHERIFF: IT SURE IS HOT TODAY
SHOPKEEP: HOT EVERY DAY

(A SHADOW COVERS THEM ALL)

SHOPKEEP: WHAT IS THAT SHADOW
SHERIFF: MY EYES

(THE GILDED LAMPPOSTS THAT LINE THE STREETS BEGIN TO SHIMMER IN THE
WANING LIGHT)

THE CITIZENS: (MUTTERING)

SHERIFF: HALF OF YOU RUN THIS WAY, HALF OF YOU RUN THE OTHER WAY
A MIDWIFE: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? WHAT OF THE BABIES BEING DELIVERED
SHERIFF: MAAM WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS BOMBING IF IT DIVIDES GILDED
AGE AMERICA

(THE FIRST BOMB STRIKES)

SHERIFF: AND THEN ILL WED YOU
SHOPKEEP: NO NOT MY MARKET NOT MY (LOOKS DIRECTLY AT AUDIENCE)
HAYMARKET.

(CURTAIN)

What the Plot of the Movie "Million Dollar Baby" Should Have Been

I finally saw the movie "Million Dollar Baby" recently and was sorely disappointed. Here is what the movie should have been like.

The movie would open with a graphic shot of a woman giving birth. The baby emerges wearing a suit and he has a full head of hair. Gasping for air, he clearly already has a mastery of the English language and he shouts with great import "Orange futures! Invest everything in orange futures!" Then the doctor would turn to face the camera and there would be a zoom-in close up. The doctor would say, "Holy mackerel!" and then there would be an elaborate animated opening credits sequence set to ska music. It is to be assumed that the mother died in childbirth.

The baby quickly rises in the business world, despite initial skepticism from the Wall Street fatcats, who laugh and mock him when he walks into their private club and demands to be hired. They would say things like "Go home, baby." The baby shows them all when he seals the big oil company deal, and when the fatcats later seek his respect, the baby shakes his head at them. Somehow the fatcats all wind up getting covered in mud or gross poop at one point, and that should really please the audience because they were jerks all along.

The baby is a quick success, earning for himself the nickname "Million Dollar Baby" because of his propensity for earning large returns on his transactions. There would be many opportunities for jokes in these scenes where the baby could say things like "I would have gone in big on that Google IPO. Too bad I wasn't born yet." There should also be several scenes where one of his assistants says "You the man, baby" and then the baby would point at him in recognition, although he is on the phone with a client and clearly busy. But he makes an effort to acknowledge his assistant anyway because he is a good guy.

Then there would be some sort of problem or a moral conflict that would make everything seem like it was about to fall apart. Everything would come down to the line, and it would appear that Million Dollar Baby is in way over his head but in the end he pulls some wild trick and succeeds. Also in the course of this conflict he should meet another financial wizard baby who is female and they would fall in love, but there would be no physical relationship because nobody wants to see babies doing that kind of stuff. In certain lighter moments, though, it could be implied that Million Dollar Baby was fellated.

The final scenes should bear many similarities to Million Dollar Baby's initial rise to success, but we see that now he is working together with his love interest, and the name of his firm has been changed to "Million Dollar Babies." We see that Million Dollar Baby has just arranged to purchase a fledgling Major League Baseball team (this opens the door for a sequel, but the filmmakers would have to be careful not to repeat material from the movie "Little Big League"). The movie closes with Million Dollar Baby getting ready to throw out the first pitch on opening night. Kofi Annan hands him the ball and says "Go ahead, Million Dollar Baby. You've certainly earned it." The ball is the size of Million Dollar Baby's head which would make for a comical comparison, and the baby would say "What, are you fucking kidding me?" If the filmmakers didn't want an "R" rating, he wouldn't have to say "fucking."

Welcome to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing

BUREAU OF ENGRAVING AND PRINTING
Washington DC
Motto: "Nosotros, vosotros, trosotros"
Welcome to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing!

We have made some improvements recently, so please mind the following changes:

~ The coat-hangers on the wall have been removed, as results of our Spring 2004 focus groups have indicated that coat-wearing is falling out of fashion. Caution!: Please do not attempt to fix coats or other garments onto the wall where the coat-hangers used to be. They will not stay up. For the blind: please do not blindly try to put your coat up there.

~Our new mascot is Penny the money duck, so watch out for pictures of ducks that are now painted everywhere.

Fact Sheet: The Bureau of Engraving and Printing.

~Founded in 1861, the Bureau of Engraving and Printing is the third most boring government bureau in our nation’s capital, after the Department of Housing and Urban Development and the Bureau of Pamphlet.

~The Bureau of Engraving and Printing prints postage stamps and Federal Reserve bank notes, which I guess has to be done somewhere.

~There are over six fully automated machines in the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, two of which must be kept turned off and in storage at all times.

~It is told that the Bureau’s architects wanted to "create a building with several windows through which laborers can look unto the world outside." Needless to say, this ambitious plan failed.

~The first director of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing holds the record for "Longest time spent lying in state at the U.S. Capitol." That’s right, two whole weeks passed before his crushed body was dislodged from the congressional gear-room.

~Unlike Mitchell, South Dakota’s Corn Palace, the Bureau of Engraving and Printing recently removed its "Wild Bill Hickok: The Corn Version" corn-based diorama series, in compliance with a recent directive from the President of the United States himself prohibiting the display of interesting things in the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. If you seek the dioramas, they can be found at the Corn Palace, and also Torrey, Utah’s Museum of Irregular Wild Bill Hickok Dioramas, and the National Archives.

~Did you know? The first director of the Bureau of Engraving and Printing was mysteriously crushed in the congressional gear-room. "This has truly been a crushing ordeal for our family," his widowed wife joked to the Congressional Quarterly.

~Please do not ask if you can take home some coins. This is not a fucking mint.

~"His pain’d screams still resonate to-day / Throughout the congressional gear-room."
Copies of this poem are on sale at the bureau gift shop, as are photocopies of a pencil sketch of the director’s crushed body that the police forced his wife to draw.

ENJOY YOUR TOUR, AND DON’T FORGET TO TAKE HOME YOUR
FREE TWO-OUNCE BAG OF SHREDDED UP BANK NOTES

References:
1. "Chimney Sweep Discovers Rotting Body in Gear-Room." Annals of the Congressional Gear-Room, Vol. XLII, No. 2.
2. "Gear-Room Travesty Thrills Nation" Congressional Quarterly, June 12,1873.
3. Holmes, Oliver Wendell. Poems About Crushed Bodies and Ghastly Limb Amputations (3rd edition).
4. "Wife to Gear-Room Crushee: I don’t miss you" Congressional Quarterly, June 16, 1873.
5. "Watch Out! The Bureau of Engraving and Printing has a New Duck-Mascot" The New York Times, 2/10/06, page A1.

Money Fight!

Participate in a Psychology Study: Up to 100,000 dollars for 20 minutes of your time! Today 2pm

Merced 99: so i hear you have a couch now
Self: tis tru
Merced 99: your personal wealth has just exploded
Merced 99: exponentially
Merced 99: what are your feelings on this matter
Self: well, considering what's been going on with the markets these past few days, i'm glad i've got some of my holdings in couch
Merced 99: and, given the continued volatility in cooch, it's good to make long term investments
Self: my plan is to withdraw all my money tomorrow and spend all of it on spaceship material
Self: before the bank crisis--- which is sure to happen
Merced 99: NO BUT LITERALLY
Self: i guess you could say i plan to cause a banking crisis
Self: by walking into a bank frantically and demanding to withdraw all of my money
Merced 99: and then all the other suckers will follow you
Merced 99: you should complain of some asteroid concern
Self: of course, i won't tell the rest of the customers why-- i wouldn't want spaceship material price inflation
Self: i will just run into a bank, screaming about a bank crisis, and demand all of my money
Self: and encourage others to do the same
Merced 99: what about imminent cosmic destruction by asteroid impact?
Self: i wonder how people in banks are trained to react if somebody does something like that
Self: is it like saying "bomb" in an airport now?
Self: look that asteroid thing is a rumor
Self: is it illegal to conspire to cause a banking crisis?
Merced 99: probably
Self: certainly it would be legal for us and, say, 100 of our friends to withdraw our funds...
Merced 99: but what if you didn't benefit at all?
Self: we could say it is for a "money fight"
Self: where we throw money at each other
Self: and eventually devolve into beastlike physical warring
Self: for control of the massive amounts of money bring thrown
Self: there's your 20 minute psychology experiment
Self: hah
Merced 99: let's do it