You Arrogant Bastard

Sketch: "The Ebb and Flow of Contemporary Economics"

The Ebb and Flow Of Contemporary Economics by sw

-beginning of sketch-

a MAN approaches a DUDE with a briefcase in the park. it appears that he has been running to get there, as he is exhausted and covered with sweat.

MAN: what you got?
DUDE: (opening case) well, what we got is figs. (shot of figs)
MAN: figs?
DUDE: ripe and delicious.
MAN: what?
DUDE: ripe and delicious figs.
MAN: ripe and delicious, huh?

pause

MAN: you don't have any... laundry detergent?
DUDE: fresh out. what we got is figs.
MAN: well... i really needed laundry detergent, but...alright, i'll take em. how much?
DUDE: 6.99
MAN: (gets out wallet, while taking out money he hesitates) figs, right? just figs?
DUDE: just figs.
MAN: no laundry detergent?
DUDE: simply figs.
MAN: this is seven.
DUDE: i don't have any pennies.
MAN: don't worry about it.

man pays dude, the figs are transferred. man runs off, dude walks left about 5 paces to a bench near his bench, labeled "variety store." on the bench next to the GENTLEMAN sitting on it is a box of laundry detergent and a large gumball.

DUDE: i'll take that detergent.
GENTLEMAN: that'll be 5.99.
DUDE: yeah, i know. oh, and, you got any of those one-dollar gumballs?
GENTLEMAN: yes.
DUDE: i'll take that too.
GENTLEMAN: total will be 6.99
DUDE: this is seven.
GENTLEMAN: i don't have any pennies.
DUDE: you're a real douchebag, you understand? just keep the fucking penny, i don't even care.
GENTLEMAN: thank you for shopping at Adolf Hitler's variety shop.
DUDE: what did you say?
GENTLEMAN: i said thank you for shopping at CVS.
DUDE: well, you're welcome.

DUDE goes back to his bench, holds the detergent in his lap, and puts the giant gumball in his mouth. he looks enormously contented, and smiles with glee as he struggles to chew. prolonged shot of him chewing the gum

title: MEANWHILE

[we see MAN running, carrying figs. he runs up to his house, enters.]

MAN: I must convert these figs into laundry detergent by 8 pm tonight!

[shots of MAN in lab coat, performing a variety of chemistry experiments. shot of MAN with white powder, some sort of machine or computer or pregnancy test verifies that it is detergent.

MAN: eureka! finally, i can wash out all the cum stains from my sport coat.

shots of man depositing cum-stained sport coat in washing machine, and then a 'dry clean only' bag. he checks his watch as he deposits it, then cut to shots of man vigorously masturbating while wearing a tuxedo. cut to shot of man getting sport coat out of drier, running down the street, checking his watch- it is 8pm. he arrives outside a club where he is met by a bouncer. there is a large sign that says "sport coats only." he puts on his sport coat and the bouncer waves him through. he walks into a room where people are waiting for him. he picks up some darts and throws them at a dart board. several people watch.

MAN: (after he finishes throwing darts.) Aha! there, i did it, Larry. I beat you in darts. I won our bet. Give me TWO DOLLARS.

LARRY: all I have is two hundred pennies.

MAN: Correction. all you have is nothing. I have two hundred pennies now. Sucker.

*optional extension: the MAN takes his pennies to coinstar and gets $1.76 after coinstar takes its 12% fee. the 76 cents is entirely in pennies. the MAN remains ecstatic.*

-end of sketch-

Now who says the art of procrastination is dead?

Posted by sw at April 29, 2004 01:46 AM