You Arrogant Bastard

What the Plot of the Movie "Million Dollar Baby" Should Have Been

I finally saw the movie "Million Dollar Baby" recently and was sorely disappointed. Here is what the movie should have been like.

The movie would open with a graphic shot of a woman giving birth. The baby emerges wearing a suit and he has a full head of hair. Gasping for air, he clearly already has a mastery of the English language and he shouts with great import "Orange futures! Invest everything in orange futures!" Then the doctor would turn to face the camera and there would be a zoom-in close up. The doctor would say, "Holy mackerel!" and then there would be an elaborate animated opening credits sequence set to ska music. It is to be assumed that the mother died in childbirth.

The baby quickly rises in the business world, despite initial skepticism from the Wall Street fatcats, who laugh and mock him when he walks into their private club and demands to be hired. They would say things like "Go home, baby." The baby shows them all when he seals the big oil company deal, and when the fatcats later seek his respect, the baby shakes his head at them. Somehow the fatcats all wind up getting covered in mud or gross poop at one point, and that should really please the audience because they were jerks all along.

The baby is a quick success, earning for himself the nickname "Million Dollar Baby" because of his propensity for earning large returns on his transactions. There would be many opportunities for jokes in these scenes where the baby could say things like "I would have gone in big on that Google IPO. Too bad I wasn't born yet." There should also be several scenes where one of his assistants says "You the man, baby" and then the baby would point at him in recognition, although he is on the phone with a client and clearly busy. But he makes an effort to acknowledge his assistant anyway because he is a good guy.

Then there would be some sort of problem or a moral conflict that would make everything seem like it was about to fall apart. Everything would come down to the line, and it would appear that Million Dollar Baby is in way over his head but in the end he pulls some wild trick and succeeds. Also in the course of this conflict he should meet another financial wizard baby who is female and they would fall in love, but there would be no physical relationship because nobody wants to see babies doing that kind of stuff. In certain lighter moments, though, it could be implied that Million Dollar Baby was fellated.

The final scenes should bear many similarities to Million Dollar Baby's initial rise to success, but we see that now he is working together with his love interest, and the name of his firm has been changed to "Million Dollar Babies." We see that Million Dollar Baby has just arranged to purchase a fledgling Major League Baseball team (this opens the door for a sequel, but the filmmakers would have to be careful not to repeat material from the movie "Little Big League"). The movie closes with Million Dollar Baby getting ready to throw out the first pitch on opening night. Kofi Annan hands him the ball and says "Go ahead, Million Dollar Baby. You've certainly earned it." The ball is the size of Million Dollar Baby's head which would make for a comical comparison, and the baby would say "What, are you fucking kidding me?" If the filmmakers didn't want an "R" rating, he wouldn't have to say "fucking."