July 12, 2004
Virtual European Tour: Amsterdam
The Virtual European Tour is a series of brief impressions of well-known European cities. Click on images to view the bigger picture.
Amsterdam is a one-of-a-kind town where delicious cream-based pastries are sold alongside elaborate blown-glass bongs in streetside windows. In the broad public square the Angel of Death begs you for 50 "eurocents" (What ludicrous bullshit, right? Euro-cents? Give me a break), while in narrow alleyways bathed in red light, fat Polynesian whores leer at you and scratch at their plate glass windows like living mannequins, begging for your hard earned money and hard erect phallus. The more intrepid tourists saunter the streets, in search of cheap hash, shawarma, 
and the elusive attractive prostitute (always more expensive), while the rest shuffle about with their hands protecting their wallets in their front pants pocket, nervously shrugging off the relentless sales-pitches for harder drugs ("Psst..my brother, my brother...Cokecstasy.. cocaecstasy... white rock") and gawking at the hookers in their zoo-like glass cages, all furnished adequately for a carnal encounter, but without superfluities: a bed, a curtain, a stereo, a toilet, the occasional wall-mounted dildo... but should the lady of the house need to make a phone call, she had better have a cell. This majestic scene is framed by quaint low-rise buildings and canals with names impossible to pronounce.
To reach this wonderland of sin, the CiM crew traveled by air: the cleanest form of transportation. We met up at our ‘budget hotel,’ a well-furnished building sitting alongside beautiful Oudezijds Voorburgwal. The fact that this name is impossible to pronounce did not trouble me: during my entire stay in this enticing town, I spoke not a single word of Dutch. We are Americans! You learn our fucking language.
When all is said and done, the one thing that everybody in the group could agree on was that a visit to this town is like nothing any of us had ever done before. Everything is ass backwards but at the same time it all seems so... proper. The only analogy I can possibly think of is this: a visit to Amsterdam is like having a screaming monkey beat you over the head with your own inhibitions, and then, after the monkey has had his way with you, he defecates all over you. The feces is made of pure gold, and you love it.
These movies require Quicktime.
-A Morning (1.6 MB)
-An Afternoon (1.1 MB)