January 12, 2005
The Times They Estan a' Cambiando
In the midst of a series of small local changes and earth-shattering natural disasters comes a change that would have been a huge fucking deal for this blog audience five years ago. It appears that the puzzlingly named "true alternative" WHFS has been converted to an entirely Spanish station, "El Zol," broadcasting the latest in salsa, merengue, horchata and tacos al carbon. That's right everybody, say goodbye to the overproduced filler, gigantic stadium concerts and radio station payola that make up our rock alternative. We will now have to return to mainstream. Yes, mainstream rock and roll- well tailored suits, three part harmonies and pianos, pianos, pianos.
I'm sorry to report that yet another venerable alternative station has lost its battle with 'the man' and succumbed to the looming corporate bully that is Spanish-language dance music. Now where will we get our Good Charlotte? Or, if this had happened five years ago, Squirrel Nut Zippers? Worse yet, according to a WUSA news report that just came on while I was typing this, it appears the radio station is being run entirely by robots. Orwell warned us about Spanish speaking robots. Question: How many police officers does it take to arrest a Spanish speaking robot? Answer: Four- one to arrest him, and three to carry his oranges. Ha ha... I kid.
So it appears that DC101 has won the battle, but I can't say I have much more respect for them at this point either. The Chili Cookoff is always terrible. I'll never forget the year when Marl (sic) Babiak invited me down there with Seferino to enjoy the tickets he had won by being caller number 101 or whatever the fuck their thing was. In our naive youth we were convinced that Stroke 9 was worth staying for. But horrible music is still horrible music, so we left before the Goo Goo Dolls could serenade us with their trademark watered down department store jams. We were there to crowd surf and see breasts anyway, and when that wasn't happening we decided to go to Popeye's and get some "man we are tired of standing up" biscuits. HFS was always better when it came to tits n' surfing. They really got the white trash out at their shows. Apparently the Goo Goo Dolls got booed offstage anyway. Or somebody threw a glass bottle or some shit. That kept happening at shows a few years ago.
At any rate, listening to both stations recently, I think DC101 deserves to survive. I was always confused when radio listings described HFS as "modern rock" and DC101 as "album rock," I always figured it had something to do with their "7 CD Sides at 7" bit, which continues to hold its own as one of the worst fucking programs of any sort ever. Now, though I'm still not positive, it seems like 101 gets that name because they seem to be less inclined to follow the popular in choosing what to play- you'll still hear The Police on 101, but the furthest back HFS would ever go was "Enter Sandman." Granted, you wouldn't hear 7 shitty CD sides at 7 on HFS. What the fuck is a CD side? Whatever it was, it had a lot to do with Seven Mary Three, because it seems like that is all they would ever play on that shit. Was Seven Mary Three local? I swear I once heard DC101 talk about "breaking" them... I guess they were just looking for their own Squirrel Nut Zippers. I think I have my time order out of sync. At any rate, I guess I owe more of my radio memories to 101, and I still have a cool shirt that I got there from the time I went there with Peter in fifth grade to become a "loyal listener" and get my membership card and free promo CD (Asa gave us a hot tip about the free CD). I took the Superdrag CD, Peter took Seven Mary Three. Yeah.
So visor-wearing neo-rednecks and drunken breast-bearing 15 year old girls from Poolesville now have another reason to hate latinos. Adding insult to injury is the loss of the HFStival: there is no other concert like it! At least within a 75-mile radius. Those craving a completely identical experience will have to go to Philadelphia or something, though some people have already been making the yearly pilgrimage from inexplicably longer distances. No word yet on whether or not there will be a giant salsa fest at RFK every May sponsored by "El Zol." Nah, that would never happen. Everybody knows that robots suck with promotion (case and point: the Chili Cookoff is operated entirely by robots), but that actually gives me a really good idea. Man let me borrow a couple hundred bucks. I gotta buy some salsa. Let's have a motherfucking festival.
Still, I shouldn't understate the importance that the HFStival once held for me and almost everybody else that will read these words, regardless of whether or not they will admit it. After all, it is the only place where an eighth grader can be guaranteed the sight of breasts. It was there that I saw Rage Against the Machine in concert, a truly spellbinding set, complete with steam and Sklover (who was in way over his head chatting with a large man who insisted that we call him "Marijuana"). It was there that I first saw an apelike young fellow named Citizen Cope put on a captivating show at the street stage. And it was there, in the Buzz tent, where I lost all faith in humanity. If you have ever been inside the Buzz tent, you know what I am talking about. The HFStival was an integral part in the upbringing of any jaded elitist DCPS white kid. It is truly a glimpse into what the world would be like if it was run by sweaty, blue eye makeup-wearing, ecstasy-pacifier-sucking 15 year olds and stadium builders.
But don't make for Wheaton yet, Gomer: it is not the apparently gigantic untapped merengue-loving demographic that is to blame for the format switch. As usual, the problem lies within the heartless managing corporation, Infinity Broadcasting Corp., which cited "tremendous opportunity" in making the switch: apparently 10% of metro DC's population loves contemporary Latin dance music but is not broadcast to, and this station will fill that hole. I guess we can expect a corresponding 10% increase in car stereo thefts. Slam! Apparently going Spanish is the ultimate goal for every successful radio station. I hear the BBC is completely Spanish-language now. Yet this does not explain why the HFS employees got absolutely no advance warning of the switch, and that is fucked up in any language (except the Eskimo language, which has no word for 'employee'). Apparently the workers are under orders from their robot overlords not to talk to the media about this. But why not? What's the worst that could happen? They get fired from a radio station that no longer exists? One can only assume that Infinity kept mum on the switch to prevent the fat white kid listenership of HFS from mobilizing to save their radio station or something like that. Apparently it is standard operating procedure in the cutthroat radio business to silently make switches like that with no advance warning and then erase all evidence that there was ever a different past (WHFS.com now redirects to ELZOL991.com). Very Orwellian indeed. I guess now is a bad time to mention that a quick visit to Columbia Journalism Review tells you that DC101 is owned by ClearChannel. Surprise surprise. Well, whatever, fuck em both.
But the question on all our minds now is this: where are we going to get our "Sports Junkies in the Morning?" XM? Does satellite radio broadcast stupid bullshit? I'm not quite ready to pay the subscription fee to find out. Can't you see that I am Sirius?
Now, listen to the takeover.
Now, Seven Mary Three Singalong!
January 05, 2005
Frisco's to Close
It is with great sadness that I report that AKA Frisco's will be closing its doors forever this Friday, January 7, 2005.
Two more days to get your Juans and Kongs in... before we must find a new chili-smothered potato outlet.
I hope to see you there to bid farewell to the end of this wonderful era.
Eulogize here about how the plight of Frisco's Ruined Our Winter Break.