You Arrogant Bastard

Peer Pressure

While we wait for bigger and better things, here is something I wrote a couple of months ago. Shelf it in the "Scroggins Presents Cocaine in Motion" stage show file. WARNING: This sketch contains repeated use of the offensive word "diamond."

"Birthday Party" Sketch
3 Males
First Authored December 11, 2004.

HENRY: Here... Barley's Casino Black Diamond.
JEFF: What?
HENRY: It's all they had.
JEFF: [looks at it, amused] Eh, beer's a beer. [opens it] So what do you think of this party, huh?
HENRY: I don't know, man...Not really my scene.
JEFF: Yeah.
HENRY: Dog fucking- not really my scene.
JEFF: Really?
HENRY: Yeah-
JEFF: Because- you looked sort of like a dog fucker.
HENRY: Hey man, he's your friend.
JEFF: I'm sorry, man- I had no idea this was gonna be a ...
HENRY: A dog fucking party?
JEFF: Yeah. Dog-fucking party. What up 'Drew? [they drink: JEFF guzzles, HENRY sips slowly. awkward silence] Nice house, though.
HENRY: What?
JEFF: I said it's a nice h--
HENRY: Listen, can you hold my beer for a minute? I'm gonna go take a piss.
JEFF: Yeah, no problem
HENRY: But, look... seriously hold on to it though, man. I don't want anybody... slipping anything in there.
JEFF: Dude, relax, these are good people. It's just a different culture, that's all.
HENRY: Different culture?! These people are perverts!
JEFF: Go take your piss. I'll hold on to it.

[HENRY exits]
[MIKE enters from offstage, he is sweaty]

MIKE: Jeff! What the fuck is up?!
JEFF: Hey, Mike. This is a great party you're throwing here.
MIKE: Ah, yeah, man, this is the best birthday ever.
JEFF: Wait, it's your birthday?
MIKE: Yeah, dude, how do you think-- mean, we've got like fifteen dogs here!
JEFF: No, I mean, I saw... but happy birthday! I ... I feel bad, I didn't buy a present.
MIKE: Nah, don't worry about it- did you bring your friend? What's his name? Sterri---Strilli--Cornerio?
JEFF: Henry.
MIKE: Henry! That's it. I got a dude that you should meet, actually. He likes politics too, but he's fucking a dog right now. I'll introduce you later.
JEFF: Yeah, cool.
MIKE: So can I get you anything? I see you're pretty set for beers-
JEFF: Well, actually-
MIKE: I see you got into my Black Diamond. Man, I love that shit! [takes on some sort of obnoxious shouting voice] Barley's Black! Can I get you a dog maybe? We got some good ones in the foyer.
JEFF: I'm straight right now, man.
MIKE: Oh yeah, I forgot, [friendly mocking] you don't have sex with dogs! [chuckles] It's all good. But you're fucking a dog tonight, man. Personal goal. I am not lettin' you outta here tonight until you have sex with at least one dog.
JEFF: Ha... I don't know...
MIKE: Oh, man, [looks around, proudly] I am exhausted from fucking dogs!
JEFF: I bet.
MIKE: Hey you mind if I get a sip?
JEFF: What? Oh, actually, I was going to say before, but I'm all out [turns over his bottle, shakes it around].
MIKE: Well, what about that one? You're holding two beers.
JEFF: Oh, this one's Henry's.
MIKE: [reaches for it] I'm sure he won't mind if--
JEFF: Actually, dude, he specifically asked me not to let you guys touch his beer.
MIKE: What? [chuckles] Who's 'you guys'?
JEFF: He's- not really comfortable with the whole... dog fucking thing.
MIKE: [insulted, puzzled] Dog- What, so this guy thinks we're perverts or something? It's a different culture, man.
JEFF: I tried to tell him.
MIKE: Well, what does he think we're gonna do to his beer?
JEFF: I don't know---

[HENRY re-enters]

JEFF: Hey, Henry, meet Mike- he's the... host. Mike, this is Henry.
MIKE: Oh, so this is him.
JEFF: Here's your beer, man. Hey, I'm gonna go grab us some more Barley's Casino Black Diamonds. [exits]
MIKE: Yeah, do that. I gotta talk to my man here for a minute. So, my man- what's going on, man?
HENRY: [a little put off by MIKE's visible anger, sips beer nervously] Great party. What up 'Drew...
MIKE: Great party, yeah. Why don't you drop the bullshit? You think I'm a pervert or something? You think I'm a pervert because I love dogs?
HENRY: No, I don't think... [laughing it off] definitely not, no way!
MIKE: No? You don't?
HENRY: No! I love... dogs. I love ...having sex with dogs.
MIKE: Yeah, I mean that's what I would think. I mean you are at my party, you're drinking my Black Diamonds. You had any dogs yet tonight?
HENRY: Well, no, not yet, we've only been here a little while.
MIKE: Oh, dude, you're missing out. They got some real small ones up in the TV room, shih-tzus- real top shelf dog.
HENRY: Yeah?
MIKE: Yeah, I mean, but then they got this German shepherd in the basement... thing is huge! It's like fucking a real person.
HENRY: ...Cool. That's cool.
MIKE: [looks disgusted] No, it's not. What up, 'Drew! Hey, look, you see that basset hound right in front of you? [HENRY looks at it, turns to MIKE] That dog right in front of you that my boy Drew just got through with? I hear it's nice.
HENRY: Oh yeah?
MIKE: Yeah dude, so here's what I think we should do. Why don't you give him a go? And afterward, tell me how it was, because I've been eyeing that dog all night.
HENRY: Give it a.. go?
MIKE: Yeah, have your way with it. Have sex with it. [pause] What, you weren't lying to me just now, were you?
HENRY: No, I...
MIKE: Then go, buddy! Somebody else is gonna steal it away if you don't go!
HENRY: ... Alright. But, I gotta take it to a bathroom.
MIKE: Bathroom? Man, I'm trying to keep my house clean. Do it out here in the kitchen like everybody else!
HENRY: I can't, I've got a really... small penis. I'm embarrassed of it.
MIKE: [shakes his head] Ugh... you know, I told people not to come if they had a small dick.
HENRY: I'm sorry, it's the way God made me.
MIKE: Just go, take it to the bathroom. But be quick with it. I'm tryna fuck that dog too.

[HENRY exits, JEFF re-enters]

JEFF: Where's he going?
MIKE: Well, it turns out your boy isn't so square after all.
JEFF: What?
MIKE: He's taking that hound to the stalls, man. [takes a beer from JEFF]
JEFF: No way.
MIKE: Believe it.
JEFF: Wow... that's a relief.
MIKE: So what took you so long with my Barley's Black, huh? My Black Diamonds?
JEFF: Well, I sort of got... delayed... on the deck.
MIKE: What? You... [pause] Holy shit, Jeff, you fucked a dog, didn't you!
JEFF: Well, I... yes. Yes, I did it. There was a poodle out there, and...
MIKE: Jeff, that is awesome! I am so proud! You fucked your first dog at my dog fucking party!
JEFF: I mean, these Black Diamonds are pretty ...potent, and I've had a bunch of them...
MIKE: Yeah, man, it's a man's beer! It's a dog-fucker's beer!
JEFF: Yeah, well, she was looking at me, and-
MIKE: Of course, man! These dogs are totally asking for it. [Sips beer] This is great. Cheers, buddy.

[HENRY re-enters]

MIKE: [to JEFF] So how did it feel?
HENRY: It was awesome.
MIKE: Oh! Well, shit, that's great. Hah... well, I hate to be rude, but... I'm gonna go fuck that same dog. Congratulations again, both of you. You guys just let me know if you need anything.
[MIKE exits]

HENRY: [watches MIKE until he is gone] That guy is a fucking prick.
JEFF: He just wants his turn, man. So- this is crazy, you just fucked a dog too?
HENRY: No, your friend tried to trick me into doing it. I told him I was gonna take it to the bathroom. I just jerked off instead!
JEFF: You jerked off?
HENRY: Well, yeah, I wasn't going to... it's a dog!
JEFF: Yeah, I know, that's... that's disgusting.
HENRY: So wait, what did Mike mean when he said "Congratulations, both of you?"
JEFF: I... [pause] I have no idea what that was all about.
HENRY: Alright, well, let's get out of here, man, this party is fucked.
JEFF: Yeah...
HENRY: I'll pull my car around.

[HENRY exits]

JEFF: [takes a long sip from his Black Diamond] What up 'Drew?

END

The thing would take place in front of the curtain, and the kids would go behind it when they went to get beers and whatnot. We would put medicine in the beer cans, so instead of people getting drunk when they perform, they would get better.