Tailored Results

now dom you realize why Claus abandoned you?

yeah man that was a weak one. sorry

gay

Trevor, I thought it was alright. But I'm a dick-sucking cunt fag.

I'll give you a REAL oral extravaganza...

hey dude that wasnt even me
-saul

Hi Trev,

hahahhhhahaah. "hi trev"

I refuse to be bullied by the likes of you fucking mob-minded simpletons. National Talk Like a Pirate Day is going to be huge, and let me tell YOU something (else): Curtis Morales endorses it, and he's better than every last one of you beastly savages.

no argument about Curtis. I guess it's just the whole close talking thing I can't stand.

I've spent the last three months meticulously following your weblogs and the comments posted, and I think all those jackals who have decided to leap upon the beleaguered carcass Tailored Results due merely to this exceedingly lame entry have overlooked a number of points (two extended ones, to be precise):
- Tailored Results is the only weblog on cocaine in motion readily accessible to the outside world. "You Arrogant Bastard" is a personal log of musings correlating closely with personal experiences and incidents written for the benefit of a specific audience, "JRussell's BlogNO!!!" is far too abstract and brilliant for the minds of mere mortals and rightfully belongs on a lofty bookshelf in some university library from whence it can stare down indignantly on the lesser works of Kafka, Joyce, and Hemmingway. "Watching TV" is never updated, and the remote location from which "Mung Slurpee!" is written smacks of some sort of juvenile political exile group expounding meaningless dictums online for the benefit of yet another tailored audience.
-The Weblogs are the only active portion of "Cocaine In Motion". Placenta, while moderately funny in its heyday, apparently has not been revisited since last winter. I have been the victim of unfulfilled promises, a protracted span of time during which the only apparent signs of previously pledged activity were the ever-present beckonings of Abraham Lincoln and George Washington Carver to enroll in the DC Film Festival. This period was finally punctuated with an announcement that updates were still on the way. I am unimpressed
It is true that tailored results could have been the subject of Gibson's Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire, albeit over a shorter time span, however the light that burns twice as bright burns half as long and I cringe at the countless months of mediocrity that await me in the lukewarm embrace of Cocaine in Motion's less exemplary "publications".

Ho, Jackals! Vindication.

LISTEN DIS, LUKAS.
I never said I wanted the outside world fucking with my own personal musings. They are musings, that is that. But like fairy tales, the common symbols vested in my tales can be applied universally.

And you want progress? http://www.cocaineinmotion.com/cim

you don't make quality graphics like that in 20 minutes, cockfuck. and it took me an entire day just to get that fucking menu bar to align under the new logo-- i'm sorry i can't code html and css as easily as you can puruse your thesaurus.
and the fucker STILL won't line up for INTERNET EXPLORER VERSION 5.0 ON MOTHERFUCKING MACINTOSH. thank you dcohen but I can't find the bug fix. Klaus, if you want to code the site for me I would be more than happy to whip up some clever new placentas in the time it would have taken me to complete the daunting task of creating a visually appealing website FROM SCRATCH. in fact, i have plotlines ready, if you want to help me code this shit. there is one where placenta builds a shed ("hardly working"), and experiences an unexpected visit from its old college roommate (title TBA), but i daresay your eye for design pales in comparison to your keen ability to MAKE FUN OF COCAINE IN MOTION.

and while you're ragging on the 'blogs, I direct the reading public to YOUR weblog, which (according to the link on this page) has not only been update-free since you first posted your revolutionary mastertheory, but has in fact been ALTERED so as to appear that you just recently posted this theory. September 5th?!

I attend school during the week. I eat burritos after school. I get wasted and work at a store on the weekends. That leaves only a thin margin of time in which I have to choose between jerking off and creating websites. So before you deride the cocaine in motion community, check yourself- our updates-per capita may be low, but we bring you more venom and flame than any other website in rotation today operated by a loosely-bound coalition of wilson seniors. i cite the legendary, defunct HOLTZMANIAC and its dead-upon-arrival sister site, VSPWORLD.com to substantiate this claim. you claim to be dissatisfied with our webzone, yet, in your own words you have told us that you follow it meticulously. cocaine in motion is alive, lukas, and its heartbeat is audible in each and every one of these weblogs, although they may be the only facet of this website receiving consistent attention at this time. and now, as we have signed the great master of prose wilson dizard and the eccentric mindbender Dcohen1 to our weblog roster, we have nowhere to go but up.

So, in the words of the great Lee "Scratch" Perry:

"Seven trumpets of judgement and justice for my people. My people love my brain, and they don't criticize my brain, they enjoy my brain. And why shouldn't I love my people who love my brain? (Sings) Don't you know I have a net called the internet, and I form my winternet right into the Sleeper internet... So wake up, Sleeper, because the lion roars!"

Tbag, it is ironic that what is arguably your worst weblog post to date would contain the most heated comment debate as well. Yet you side with Lukas in his verbal beating of our community! OUR community! Forget not the day you sat at my house and watched as I created this weblog for you... you are just as much cocaine in motion as lichman, jrussell, tom and I. As Marcus Garvey said, "A man without knowledge of his past is like a tree without roots." Roots, branch and stem! Now the last party we have yet to hear from is the legendary antagonist S. Cohen.

Yes, Lukas, you may think you have the lyrics mountain, but to me it is just a molehill. So when I toss it down, the fall may not hurt, but the hot air you've been blowing will!

Test I in the fall, and your tombstone will tell all.

YEAAAAAAAAAAA go sam ! u kicked his B U T T! dont messs with a national merit scholar

allow me to say my piece, for whilst i am not a curator of any of these blogs, i am surely the foremost reader lurking in the shadows of this veritable algonquin round table of the web. i make my presence known not by self indulgent ramblings, but rather with the occasional insightful remark, personal assault or black cock.

but seriously dicks this site is pretty cool

trevor's has potential for greatness. always well written, neat, organized, sometimes interesting. it's a shame you try to talk like that in real life too, trevor. 4.5/5

you arrogant bastard, while usually well written and interesting, is sometimes unreadable due to length and style. 4/5

jrussel's blog is like some carnival freak show. it's simultaniously entertaining and depressing as shit. i'm sure i'll keep reading it, but please dude, lighten up. you need some variety. 4/5

mung slurpee is garbage, i think, maybe i'm just not in on the jokes. i'm sure there's something there. 1.5/5

tom, you could at least try. 0/5

with that, i leave you dudes. keep on reaching for the stars.

http://www.darksecretvideo.com/cuck4-lick-dick.jpg

i heartily endorse talk like a pirate day

stream-of-consciousness. thats how i 'muse.' but only a devoted follower like saul would know that YAB contains real-world information and weblog-friendly links to fascinating shit. at least i spice it up a bit with heavy use of curse words and ethnic prejudice. as far as tailored results... though not many would argue that it is the cleanliest weblog in this algonquin round table, take away the name Trevor and all you have is the cookie-cutter semi-liberal, semi-indie-rock weblog. check out the "http://dev.null.org" site if you don't believe it. and if you think my stuff is incomprehensible, get ready for the artist formerly weighing enough to be called 'big' will dizard.

it's not that it's incomprehensible, it's just sometimes tedious. you try hard, that's good, but don't try too hard.

also this thread brings up a pressing issue - message board

National Merit Scholar. Prestigious. This gif of some sort of beach resort that you've so scrupulously labored over, although colorful, is merely a distraction. As a reader I was quite satisfied with the previous web layout, and merely wanted more updates of Placenta. Moreover, this reconfiguration of your site layout was promised to arrive "soon" in mid-July. In cyberspace two months does not constitute "soon". You can quote Moses on the Mountaintop and you'll still be preaching in the wilderness for all I care, I don't give a damn about your troubles or your qualifications, rss and css are foreign concepts to me, I admit, I only care about the statements YOU make being fulfilled. If your lifestyle prohibits you from creating a new layout even fashionably late, then do not advertise its arrival as you begin working on it. I am disappointed by your lack of vision, however the isolationist outlook with which you created this site has now come face to face with the borderless expanses of the internet, and has become irrelevant. Moreover, your pleas for a unified CiM community are disturbing- a website upon which dissent is muffled, commentary is muted and contributors, by extension founders, are expected to be lemmings falling into line with the ever exulted webhost is something akin to a cup with holes in it. Masturbatory. I stand by my assertion that Tailored Results, short of JRussell’s BlogNO!!!!, is the best CiM has to offer. However, I do not deny the entertaining content of the website through last spring or the bleak nature of my own website- in fact many updates were rendered, however I razed the entire site in early August due to frustration with its direction. I shall raze this entry as well, it was reincarnated for a specific purpose. The faults of my own blog are irrelevant. Hypocrisy is inveterate to human nature and you, my National Merit Scholar, should not attempt to fight fire with fire whilst we argue in your house. You need fans like me, for the audible heartbeat of this “institution” falls upon deaf ears without external commentary. I am not a complete ingrate, and if your request for help in the publishing of Placentea was genuine and not, as I suspect, a sarcastic jab at my inability to read or operate web-related programs, then I would gladly donate my time to figure out how to get it up if it were to enrich the content. I eagerly await the remainder of your dancing vermin to follow your flute calls and oppose the criticisms I’ve proffered with which your site seems to have such trouble absorbing.

holy shit

Klaus Manneun, I usually vote in your favor, but Sam West, I was quite impressed with your response. Not the second quote where you bash T money's fantastic blog, but the first entry. Klaus, my club associate, I propose we head to the local Chess club meeting. Bring the digital.

Arguments aside, I must admit that it is quite ironic one of the less engaging (possibly the most so) has spawned such vehement debate. In that sense I view the entry "Argh" to be a stunning success.

P.S.

I much appreciate being momentarily rated #1 in the Saul Cohen "kdfsms" blog-rating system.

Listen here you smooth talking sacklick… You have already forced me to tackle your peanut-gallery criticism in the morning, which is an offense most heinous. The late morning is not my time to shine in terms of literature, as the great Gbaquer once said, my most poignant literary works are created between the hours of 1 and 3 AM. So I’m not going to try to verbally scalp you the way I did yesterday in this digital Algonquin village. I won’t make but one last argument that focuses on your lack of internet knowhow, and that argument is as follows: design is immensely important as far as a website goes. Nobody is going to visit it if it retains that 1997 stylee. Example: [URL removed at request of site owner ~webmaster]. Everybody loves go-go, but that site is so convoluted and impossible to navigate that I feel like vomiting and crying every time I visit it. Without a decent layout and navigation system, a site is nothing. If you paint a piece of shit green, somebody will pick it up thinking it is a dollar. If you let it sit there and attract bugs, ain’t nobody gonna put it in their wallet. So as skeletal as this site may be in terms of raw content, if we doll it up and make it look like an island resort, people will look at it more. Understand? It’s the ugly whore theorem. All I am doing is giving this website a boob job and some nice makeup. But when you have to synthesize the silicone from raw materials, it takes a lot fucking longer. And it’s a JPG, damn it! A JPG! So however much ass the last layout kicked, and I admit, it kicked a lot of ass, it was created in 2001 and is outdated. On top of that it was created with the Geocities WYSIWYG editor and upon registering cocaineinmotion.com I had pretty much decided I would not have to lean upon that crutch.
So pardon me if this website does not meet your standards for frequent update, Signor Sacklick, I must have temporarily forgotten how much raw traffic we receive. Things would be different if this website were receiving upwards of 20,000 hits a day. For as you may be shocked to realize, there are not that many websites out there that are updated daily by people who are not getting paid to do it, or websites that are updated by the same people that create all of the site’s content. And I’m talking about webSITEs, not webSHITES and not personal weblogs or webpages. There is a learning curve to web design, and people are paid ridiculous amounts of money JUST TO EXECUTE the menial task of coding an update to a website in HTML and CSS.
If the mid-july thing is really upsetting you, I point you to another example: Modernhumorist.com. This is one of the funniest websites on the internet, or it was, until earlier this year when they announced that there would no longer be daily updates to the website, but instead, bi-weekly additions. But this website has gone untouched since… [GASP] MID FUCKING JULY!!!!!!!! This is qualified with a short statement… “NOTE: The lazy editors of this site update it only when capricious whim strikes.” So go ahead, continue living your life in boisterous dramatics whenever things don’t go exactly as you had hoped they would. If I had 9 arms like that Arabic kid then maybe I could get this shit going faster than I have. I’m a fat, fat man, Lukas. And laziness is a CiM hallmark. But nobody argues the point that these weblogs have been pretty active in the three months that cocaineinmotion.com has been online.

I fail to see any evidence of ‘muffled dissent’ and ‘muted comments’ on this site. You are not in Model UN right now—put down your economist “leaders” and retrieve your head from your rectum. You fail to see the fact that the ONLY CiM blogger to date who has deleted or censored a comment is your own pal Tbag. I call on Gbaker to testify, because surely he remembers his censored material and all the heartache that the suppression of his words caused him. If I wanted everybody to “fall in line” with me, I would have attempted to ban Saul’s IP from this community long ago. But as any man knows, those efforts would have been futile. Hiz IP iz unBANNABLE. And I am not the webhost. That is Alapo. Know your terms.
And I remind you- I rebuke your assaults not because I wish to suppress your criticism, but it is my firm belief that nothing short of a hearty argument can do more to spice up this webdomain. I don’t deny that you are just as important a part of this shaft-flavoured nest of tweed as any of us bloggers. But as far as poking fun at our methods and at the same time using the word “whilst,” I give you a little more wisdom, courtesy once again of the Upsetter:

”When I shit, my enemies take sick. When I speak, they split! And when I speak again, they vomit. Send them to the doctor to go cure them. There is no cure for my enemies! They die on my sword, Excalibur. I am the real King Arthur. I stand alone! On the microphone. With all my pound, shillings, and pence. I pack up the Russians with my rock, and I rock up the Americans with my cock. Rock up the Germans and say I am the wordsman, I am the herbsman, and I kaput your economy for insulting me. I am the internet and I am the winternet. And they don't see nothing yet!"

You have once again composed a baseless ramble designed to distort the point. I am seeking accountability. I do not intend to compare mountains to molehills, and neither the modern humorist nor “dc gogo” hold a straw to Cocaine in Motion in terms of content, although I will agree with your assertion that slick website navigation is essential. In terms of accountability, the greatest problem is not that you are a worthless bum who has allowed the site to sit idle for so long Placenta should have converted by now. Updates were promised in mid-July, the previous four months saw nothing. The modern humorist provided a realistic timetable for updates, if you hold them in such esteem I suggest you do the same. The real problem, however, lies in the system of patronage upon which the site relies. You are the only one who reads html, rss, css, and whatever the hell else you read to create your much vaunted page designs. Hence you hold the same level of indirect control over the site that ancient rulers once held over their clustered city-states of ignorance- you are the only one literate, capable of interpreting information and modifying the site. This has resulted in a system of patronage- who, may I ask, selected the authors of these feverously active blogs you point to? There is no way to remove lousy blogs- in the ideal world, “Watching TV” and “Mung Slurpee!” would have been axed long ago, replacements pending or otherwise. I am not yet sure whether or not Watching TV can still be considered dormant or if it has made that final plunge into stagnation, and “Mung Slurpee!” is written for an audience at NYU that neither provides for the target audience nor increases accessibility of the page as a whole. Whether benign or not your control is disproportionate, although I concede general blog content has not been overly tampered with (Although this is not saying much, since Tailored Results is the only blog of the five that ever raises contentious issues, in the responses it elicits). Unfortunately there is little to do beyond heckle you as a self-appointed Ombudsman, that or create an extraneous site free of the tyranny of your jpgs (I'm not about to learn the intricacies of webpage design). As for me and my “sacklick”, it seems we both write entries directed solely for purposes of subconscious self-worship, and I can promise you will never find a more arrogant bastard than the one you spar with today. I don’t need much to see that your just as full of shit as I am, and if my shit isn’t more aromatic and of a finer composition than your own then I’ll be goddamned.

hey dude rank the aphex twin albums

You know Sam...I realized that the comment we both thought I had censored a long time ago is actually very much still published. Check it out under my Digital Freedom entry wayyyy back in the June archives. Dead negar corpse and all...

Hey, Klaus, you got any of that racist shit blogged yet?

I had it blogged before I razed the record. It was about minority business incentives though, and how they allow wealthy (often foreign) minorities to underbid non-minority firms and have a 15 percent profit guaranteed. Rarely do those for whom the bill was designed benefit. But it was a bit too much and needed razing. Its funny, somehow I think it should be less surprising that so many white people are eager to oppose white-guiltest movements without getting their asses kicked.

I don't have time to type up another pagelong rebuttal. So I'll leave it at this: You want accountability, hold me accountable. And you are going to make a great cantankerous old man. I've got enough Lee Perry quotes to last through a nuclear winter and this thing would have just become a stalemate anyway. But if you write my Sonnabend paper for me, I'll be more than happy to write another page of text concerning how awesome I am compared to you. So klip klop klippity kloppity lick my dick and so forth. I've had too much Buddhism today to spar with you over matters such as these. War of words over.

fine dude, dont

damn.
if I read this blog, I would've seen my blog mentioned twice.

and wait, these blogs are supposed to have merit? Well fuck me. I just thought they were here for fun.

...wait...1.5? one point FUCKING five? Even my worst shit is better than that watching TV thing. fuck, trevor. I knew you had stalkers, but I didn't know you had saul suck your dick.

then again, from what I know of saul, I wouldn't be surprized.

fuckin' 1.5. No wonder that kid's into emo--doesn't know amazing from makeoutclub-shit. Christ.

oh yeah. and I'll support pirate day. sadly, that's also the day the Queer Union is having a street fair. So I think I'll be able to find flashy, colorful characters parading around in long-johns.

-ma$e

hey Ma$e, how's your friendster account doing, indie-boy? You coping with the loss of Dismemberment plan and how you got that art-fag pumpin Bali shag like it was zip lock sodomy.

that was six days ago, apparently!

The Tao's principle is spontaneity.

It is only the most intelligent and the most stupid who are not susceptible to change.

Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.