July 29, 2003
No Fitty? Bring the Ruckus.
GOT YO NECK MOTHAFUCKAZ!
Hoo-Ha...
This is grand. Apparently, a new Department of Defense program allows traders to bet on the likelihood of future terrorist attacks. The new program, which will be implemented this coming Friday, is designed so that registered users will be able to invest their money into so called "terror futures," that specify a certain type of attack and its intended region of impact. If the supposed attack actually transpires, the investor who correctly envisaged the attack would gain a monetary reward. Example: If I bet that Saddam Hussein loyalists will assassinate L. Paul Bremer on September 17th, 2003, and lo and behold they actually do, then I get to cash in my investment. Too bad for Bremer, but hey, I got $200, who gives a fuck right?
Apparently Congress does...
"I think this is unbelievably stupid. That is a gentle thing to say about a program that is so devoid of value. It combines the worst of all our values in my judgment. It's a tragic waste of taxpayer money. It will be totally offensive to almost everyone." - Sen. Byron Dorgan, D-North Dakota
"[The] idea of a federal betting parlor on atrocities and terrorism is ridiculous and grotesque. The bizarre plan we are describing today is a waste of taxpayer money and it needs to stop immediately. The program's intent is clear: the federal government is encouraging people to bet on and make money from atrocities and terrorist attacks." - Sen. Ron Wyden, D-Oregon, said.
Interesting. Personally I think this shit is just bizarre.
July 25, 2003
Fisticuffs?
So I'm back from Europe. I havent read a newspaper in over two weeks so I'm real out of the loop. One thing I DID manage to read about was the altercation in the Ways and Means Committe in Congress. Replete with name calling and arrests it seems it almost resulted in a bout of congressional fisticuffs, the likes of which haven't been seen since 1902 when Senator John McLauren from South Carolina fought the elder South Carolinian Senator Ben Tillman on the Senate floor.
Choice exceprt:
In a move that made the skirmishing over Texas redistricting look like Athenian democracy, Chairman Bill Thomas (R-Calif.) took the extraordinary step of summoning the Capitol police to roust the Democrats from the library.
Meanwhile, back in the hearing room, California Democrat Fortney "Pete" Stark stayed behind in what turned out to be a failed attempt to deny Republicans the unanimous consent they needed to proceed. Colorado Republican Scott McInnis told Mr. Stark to "shut up," whereupon Mr. Stark said, "You think you are big enough to make me, you little wimp? Come on. Come over here and make me. I dare you. You little fruitcake. You little fruitcake. I said you are a fruitcake." The battle then shifted to the House floor, where it devolved into an argument over whether the police were summoned to remove the Democrats from the library (as Democrats contended) or to protect Mr. McInnis from bodily harm at the hands of Mr. Stark (as Republicans said).
It all sounded like a game of congressional Clue: "If it was the gentleman from California in the hearing room with the fruitcake, why did you sic the cops on the Democrats in the library?" asked Rep. Gary L. Ackerman (D-N.Y.). At the end of the day, everyone was splattered in muck.
July 07, 2003
Leavin on a Jet Plane
Oooh, Prague.
Just a reminder to those who don't know: I'm leaving for Europe tomorrow afternoon, therefore I won't be able to post or respond to comments for the next two weeks. I apologize for my recent lack of updates and responses, but I've been running around for the past few days trying to get everything ready for my trip. I will probably have brief internet access while I'm there so if anyone wants some sort of item or souvenir post it here and I'll see what I can do.
July 03, 2003
Oh man...
When I first heard about the National Do Not Call Registry, my family and I jumped at the prospect of avoiding the irrepressible onslaught of unwanted phone calls throughout the day. In fact, I was legitimately surprised at the registry's even existence, for after all, it seemed to be something that made far too much sense for the current administration to have created. Therefore, with a little skepticism but mainly a generally optimistic feeling I went ahead and added my family's two home phone numbers to the registry. I mean, this seemed pretty straightforward; it would take the administration some effort to fuck up...right? Wrong.
About two days go by, and then I run across this article on Fortune.com. To give you the gist of it, apparently there are numerous loopholes in the registry that allow certain organizations to call registered numbers regardless. This was obviously to be expected, but the extent of the loopholes is laughably vast. For example: Not only do charities, long distance phone companies, banks, airlines, insurance companies, telephone surveyors, credit unions, and political organizations get exemptions from the registry, but ANY organization that already has an "existing business relationship," with you is exempted. Now lets think about what sorts of organizations are calling your house every night: Banks...airlines...insurance companies...telephone surveyors...credit unions...political organizations...charities...phone companies...who the fuck is left? No, really...who the fuck CAN'T call you? Nobody.
July 01, 2003
Depraved and Insulting English
Being that I'm to soon ship off to Europe, my mother has taken it upon herself to present me with an early birthday present in the form of a book of depraved and insulting english. While hilarious, it is quite extensive, therefore I will reproduce only a few choice favorites from what I have read so far in the space below:
Note: These entries all come from the F section because its the only one I've read so far, and are literal replications of the definitions + examples provided in the text. Let the depraved word fest begin!
Feculent /FEK yoo lent/adj - Covered in feces.
"Trying out his new Rollerblades for the first time, Fullerton brought his mastiff down to the overused dog run in the park after a rainstorm. He was so horridly feculent when he finally made it back home that his doorman wouldn't let him into the building without first hosing him off on the sidewalk."
Feist /FEIST/n - A silent fart.
"The disgusting and flatulent little toad from Word Processing was forever in the habit of letting loose with feists while lunching in the company cafeteria, and would always give himself away by tittering loudly when he did so."
And my personal favorite...
Fico /FIKE o/n - A gesture, thrusting the thumb between the middle and forefinger of a closed fist, that is indicative of deep contempt.
While this word is not terribly insulting in and of itself, it does have a romantic and insulting pedigree.
Let us go back to strife-torn twelfth-century Europe. Our story centers on Frederick Barbarossa, a German prince who captured Milan in the 1160's, but was expelled a short time later. While removing him from their city, the Milanese took occasion to humiliate Barbarossa's wife in a manner unspecified by accounts of the period. He was not a man to look kindly upon such a deed (whatever it was), so when he retook Milan he enacted a strange and horrific revenge.
He began by having every able-bodied man of the city kneel behind the posterior of a defecating mule. As the mule voided what he had to void, the poor man behind it was forced, on pain of death, to take the lump of excrement between his teeth and, turning to his captors, say, "Ecco la fica" ("Behold the fig").
Although the physical gesture in question has been around since time immemorial, only after Freddy Barbarossa did it assume the meaning that it has today. He truly was the father of the fico, and in this respect he was a visionary.
I'm debating whether or not to use this book as a basis of a "word of the day," feature on this blog. Tell me what you think.